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Warts have long proven helpful in identifying persons of questionable moral fiber, from evil witches to overly promiscuous sexual partners.
"Try a good concealer."
In today's glamorous world where looks count first (and second, and third), warts have the unfortunate side effect of being completely gross. Not to mention labeling you filthy, and potentially contagious. It shouldn't be such a big deal when "at least 50% of sexually active men and women acquire genital HPV infection at some point in their lives." That's a real statistic from the CDC.
And that's just the genital stats (which is a great name for a band).
"Be glad this is on your hand."
When it comes to the hundreds of variations of the Human Papillomavirus that cause warts, you can assess your risk using a simple formula:
- Are you alive?
- Have you ever had close contact with another living human being (hugging, kissing, snuggling, spooning)?
- Have you ever had sex?
If you answered yes to any of those questions, congratulations! You have the virus that causes warts. So we're all walking around like a bunch of bumpy, cauliflower-shaped Typhoid Marys. Except, of course, for ME, because I don't have warts. And you certainly don't have any warts either; you're just an upstanding Internet citizen reading this while your German fetish video buffers.
"E True Hollywart Stories"
So how can you keep the virus at bay or at the very least under the iron-fisted control of your immune system? If you want medical advice, see a doctor. But if you want the three worst wart removal strategies, you've come to the right place. I recently investigated three common wart treatments, using myself as a smooth-skinned litmus, so you'll know what not to try. The results:
Method 1: The Vaccine
That's right, there's a vaccine for HPV, specifically the genital-altering, cancer-spewing kind that likes to pop up in cervices around the world. While my cervix isn't too scared, my wife's is, so I decided to save us both some potential anguish and get vaccinated.
Procedure: I assumed they would just stick me with a needle, and I prayed it would be an arm or butt shot, not a penis shot. I rang up the Saban Free Clinic in Los Angeles to get an estimate. I wish I could tell you this was a funny conversation, but basically the receptionist told me males could not receive the vaccine, and hung up. Since the vaccine is only for pre-teen girls, and this is an article for ZUG, my wife suggested I call back and tell them I'm planning on sleeping with some 12-year-olds and needed a few vials of the vaccine "just in case." My newfound love of the woman I married aside, I didn't want to risk ending up a mugshot on The Smoking Gun because a free clinic receptionist can't take a joke.
Results: Dick. All. The vaccine is only available to girls and women ages 11 to 26. Actually, it's really only recommended for 11-12 year olds, but if you haven't had sex yet, or you started the vaccine series but didn't finish it before your 13th birthday, they can make an exception and give it to you. The problem? If you managed to hook up with someone (perhaps drunkenly at your 13th birthday party) you've pretty much screwed any chance of the vaccine working as you most likely contracted HPV with that one sexual encounter. Mazel tov!
"Classiest. Costume. Ever."
I was too old, and too male, to try the first wart cure, but I would have more luck with my second experiment. Stay tuned.
Next: Selling Your Wart!
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