If you're plagued with warts, you have many treatment options, from freezing it off with liquid nitrogen to burning them off with lasers. You also have a lot of ill-advised homemade wart treatments found on the Internet. So as a public service, I'm presenting the three worst wart removal strategies [read Part 1].

Method 2: Selling your wart

There are many bizarre homespun recipes for wart removal, including rubbing the wart with a cloth and burying the cloth, rubbing a penny on it (which sounds perfectly reasonable for eliminating a contagious skin disease), and my personal favorite, selling your wart.

The superstition goes like this: when someone is plagued by warts, a good Samaritan will offer to "buy" them by offering a few bucks to the diseased. The money is accepted (presumably it's thrown on the ground to avoid any actual hand touching) and, within a few weeks, the wart is gone. I assume then the buyer owns any rights to said wart and will probably look to make a trade with Tampa Bay in order to add some depth to the bullpen.

Procedure: I don't have any warts to sell at the moment, but I'm increasingly worried about the horrid wart nanobots coursing through my veins, so it's best to bank on the inevitable and have a bailout plan. I called up Scottrade, because they're the first sponsored ad that popped up when I googled "investment firm," to discuss selling my wart futures.

Don: Good afternoon and thanks for calling Scottrade, this is Don. Can I help you?

Me: Hi Don. I'm wondering who I need to talk to about getting Scottrade to invest in a product of mine.

Don: Uh, okay ... I can take your information down and have someone contact you, most likely tomorrow afternoon at the earliest.

Me: I'd really rather speak to someone now. I can hold.

Don: (Clearly thrown off) Well, I don't know if anyone's available at the moment, let me see. Who may I say is calling?

Me: Randall Cleveland.

Don: ...Cleveland. Okay. And what sort of investment are you offering?

Me: Well, I guess it'd be futures.

Don: You ... guess ... it'd be futures?

Me: Yeah. Wart futures.

Don: I'm sorry? Wharf futures?

Me: (Stifling a laugh) No, wart futures. See, I don't have warts now, but --

Don: *click*

"BUY! SELL! I DON'T CARE! JUST DON'T TOUCH ME!"

Results: Well, I still don't have any warts, so I guess that's a success. But I didn't find anyone willing to pay me for my potential warts, either, which leaves me exposed. I put in a call to my insurance carrier, Aetna, but in a very unfunny conversation the receptionist explained I'd be covered for a doctor's visit, but any experimental treatments would need prior approval for coverage.

Also, if you've ever got a fringe investment idea, Scottrade is not the place to go.

I had tried two wacky wart remedies, but comedy comes in threes. Stay tuned.

i bit mine off when i was a kid

I got ride of two when i was about 14....

One , at the side of the nail in my thumb.... just took an escalpel, and chopped it right off. Put a lot of salt on the wound, and not even a scar was left.

Other, at the base of my middle finger. Didnt have an escalpel at hand, and the location was difficult.. so i used a nail-clipper to chop it off... it took a lot of time.. but i finally did it. It hurted , but it also went off without leaving a scar.

:)

I'm sorry to hear that the escalpel hurted so much...

What are you, a Nigerian prince?

Maybe he should take the escalpel and cut off his escrotum.

And what about wart acquisition strategies?!