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For those of you afflicted with the skin disease known as warts, I recently undertook a series of experiments to find out the three worst wart removal strategies [read Part 1 and Part 2]. From old wives' tales to wacky Internet cures, I tried the worst advice I could find, which is how I ended up taping banana peels onto my face.
Like this, but dumber looking.
Method 3: Banana peels
I kept coming across this "cure" in my Internet research: a Google search on "warts banana peels" brings back thousands of results. Banana peels are not used for wart prevention, but a wart cure, but I've also heard an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. On the plus side, that means my banana expenses will be 1/16th what they would be if I actually had warts.
Procedure: According to home remedy sites, you're supposed to rub the inside of a banana peel vigorously onto the wart, and if possible, leave it on overnight. Why does this work? Explanations vary from "acids in the peel" to "all the potassium somehow kills the wart" to "the healing power of organics," but banana peels are by far the most popular homemade wart cure.
Since I don't have any warts to remove, I wasn't sure how to approach this preventatively. I decided to just tape a banana peel to my head before bed.
Results: Wart free! This thing might actually work! Side effects seem to include smeared banana mess on my sheets, face, and boxer shorts, as well a general odor of rot. I can't really tell if the annoyed wife was caused by the banana peel or my failure to take out the recycling bin, as she's not speaking to me at the moment. Also, fruit flies.
And, PS, it didn't happen to me but there's a small chance this can give you eczema. But hey, it beats having warts right?
In the end, webMD says the best shot you've got at preventing warts is washing your hands a lot, because currently there is no known prevention or cure for common and plantars warts. But I say go with the banana peels, because millions of itchy, bumpy people can't be wrong.
And if you're looking for a safe investment in these dire economic times, I'd love to talk to you about some wart futures.
If you enjoyed Worst Wart Removal Strategies, you might also enjoy our Tinned Meat Taste Test, in which this same intrepid reporter tries various flavors of potted meat products.
Randall Cleveland is a wart-free writer/performer in Los Angeles. You can see him perform around LA with the improv team Party Trap, the sketch team Woof, and at various shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre.
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