Ok, most of you know that the GF and I recently got a puppy. (If you didn't know that, you do now.) This past Tuesday, we took him to be neutered.

I'll pause here while all the guys cringe. Feeling better? Ok.

So, he was gone all day with surgery and recovery. We brought him home, and he seemed ok, although a little drunk from the anastheia. (I probably spelled that wrong. Tough Shakespeare.) He didn't seem to care about the stitches, he was just happy to be back in a safe place where razor-sharp knives aren't coming towards his groin with the sole purpose of removing his male organs.

(Another respectful pause for the guys.)

We kept an eye on him all evening, and he seemed happy (as happy as he could be) and we put him to bed in his crate. He never paid any attention to the wound, which was a good thing. If he did, the vet warned us that it could be damaging and we'd need to put him in one of those awful elizabethan collars (aka - plastic conehead.) But since he paid no attention to it, we put him in the crate as naked as a fur-covered dog can be.

So, the next morning as we're getting ready for work, I decide to check his incision and make sure it's healing ok. I lay him in my lap [shut up] turn him over and take a gander at his puppy penis [seriously, shut up.] I can't believe my eyes [OK, I get it, the lesbo is talking about a penis - get over it!] I hollar at the GF, and she runs over to look. We both look down, and see the same thing: the stitches are gone.

She runs up to check the blanket in his crate. Nope, no blood. I grab a towel and puShakespeare against his incision to see if it's bleeding - nope, it's clean. We call the vet, and explain what happened. She asks if he's in pain, and we say we don't think so because he's playing and eating. So, her response?

"He probably ate the stitches."

YUCK?! I want to puke, but she tells us this is normal, and often happens with male dogs. (Yet again I am convinced that males, regardless of species, are freaks.) She says we just need to keep and eye on the incision and make sure it's healing ok, but that we're fine.

Fast forward to this morning...

I come down the stairs after sleeping in as per usual on Saturday mornings. The GF is playing on the computer, and the dog is curled up on a blanket in front of the heater. I go see him, kiss his nose, rub his ears, and turn him over to check his incision.

Shakespeare! It's all swolen! It's literally three times the size it was yesterday! I yell for the GF, she takes a look, and says "We need to call the vet. Now." I call, and explain our problem. She tells us to come in right away. We're panicking - it's got to hurt, having an infection there. [Another pause - can't you hear the guys groaning?] We jump in the car immediately and rush to the office.

We walk in, and the tech walks out and says "I'll take him back right away." They whisk him into a back room somewhere, and we sit on the couch. We're freaking out, picturing horrible consequences. I'm seeing needles, and drainage, and puss... ick! Then, as quickly as they took him from us, they brought him back.

"He's fine," the vet tech says. "The doctor said he's healing well, and you don't need to bring him back." I asked "What about the swelling? It's huge." She responds, "No, it's just healing, it's ok." So we leave. In the car, I turn him over, and see that it's not swollen at all - nothing like the triple-sized penis I had seen in the morning. [Why did you even go there? It was just too easy.]

As I'm discussing this with the GF, I start nuzzling the dog. I'm pulling on his ears and he's kissing me on the nose. As he's doing this, I see the swelling come back suddenly. Then it hits me:

THE DOG WAS TURNED ON. That's why it was swollen. We rushed the dog to the vet because he had a hard-on.

Honestly, is there anything else I can say after that?

Ditdah 123,110 14
03/21/2009 10:22 PM

This probably should have been a conversation, not an article, but it would have taken at least three posts. I finally got sick of trying to cut-copy-paste into enough boxes, and just submitted it.

Meh.

Dog of Ditdah 3,887 30
03/21/2009 10:29 PM

Hey!  Since when is morning wood such a crime?

Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
03/22/2009 10:09 AM

For those of you just getting up with hangovers, let me summarize:

Two lesbians rush a dog to the vet because it has a hard on.

Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
03/22/2009 10:10 AM

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take my wife to the ER because she's bleeding from between her legs.

Woof Woof Dammit 127 5
03/22/2009 10:38 AM

 I laughed so hard at this that I got a hard on to stop the possibility of pissing myself!

Cmacker 5,303 10
03/22/2009 11:03 AM

Two lesbians rush a dog to the vet because it has a hard on.

In my mind I imagine the vet as Dr. Doolittle, as played by Eddie Murphy.  The puppy and Eddie Murphy share a good laugh.  Puppy rolls his eyes and shakes his head.  "Silly lesbians...."  Eddie high-fives the puppy for ending up with two lesbians, and asks him if they're the type who don't mind doing it in front of the dog.

Chance wears GREEN Undies 171,275 14
03/22/2009 12:18 PM

Heh. So what youre telling us is that you have no clue what a hard on looks like. Dont you own a dildo? For future lessons I'm sure someone here (coughDogscough) could help you and your "Sweetness" out.

Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
03/22/2009 04:04 PM

coughDogscough

I am deathly afraid of kennel cough.

Millie 116,988 28
03/22/2009 04:56 PM

I their defense, dog hard-ons look different than people hard-ons.  Kind of.

Thud 68,506 19
03/22/2009 06:33 PM

Bravo, Ditdah.  Bravo.

Old Dirty Bastard McManus 186,130 44
03/22/2009 06:58 PM

The other day I was looking for a used riding lawn mower on Craig's List and there was a miniature donkey mixed in among the ads for Toros, Deeres and Snappers.  It reminded me that I want a miniature donkey.

Now I don't want one anymore.  So thanks, Ditdah!

Ditdah 123,110 14
03/23/2009 07:12 AM

So what youre telling us is that you have no clue what a hard on looks like.

Well, can I be expected to?

Seriously, I DO know what a human hard-on looks like. But this certainly didn't look the same. You know when a dog is excited, you sometimes see the head stick out? (I can't believe I'm describing this.) He wasn't doing THAT. And frankly, seeing it from across the room as the dog tries to make friends with a stuffed animal the closest I've ever come to inspecting a dog in that state.

In this case, his whole area was swollen, and directly on either side of the incision it was bulging out sideways. Actually, it looked like his balls suddenly re-grew his balls on both sides of the surgery. So I thought he had an infection and there were like two huge areas that needed to be drained. If the head was sticking out I'm sure I would have caught on and not rushed him to the vet.

This is not the pruodest moment in my life. Neither the original goof-up, nor the fact that I'm now discussing in detail what my dog's penis looks like. I may need therapy.

TheVelveTurd 6,553 10
03/23/2009 07:46 AM

Hey If I had two lesbians waking me up in the morning with kisses and rolling me over to check out my junk, I'd be pitching a tent too. Oh and by the way I just can't resist. What kind of dog is it? A Dikeshound, Clit Bull, Dildoberman?...

Ditdah 123,110 14
03/23/2009 08:16 AM

What kind of dog is it?

It's a dachshund. Yes, the lesbians have a wiener dog.

Bill the asshole 53,270 54
03/23/2009 08:21 AM

t's a dachshund. Yes, the lesbians have a wiener dog.

Kinda makes sense, in a sad sort of way.

KChiki - Keeper of the Canned Air 128,392 98
03/23/2009 08:39 AM

 Good lesbian! 

Fratberry 283,028 53
03/23/2009 10:45 AM

BWuhahAHahAHahAhaHAHAhAHahAhaha

Trae Spawn On Board 156,790 17
03/23/2009 10:57 AM

I think I just had a contraction, I laughed so hard.

thanks, Dit

Phuc 237,919 21
03/23/2009 11:22 AM

If having stitches on his c0ck gives him a hardon, you should start shovelling salt peter into his alpo.

...that just made me hawt.

TheVelveTurd 6,553 10
03/23/2009 03:08 PM

yes, the lesbians have a wiener dog.

That's almost as funny as a couple of fags with a Coleridge -a-poo. 

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
03/23/2009 05:01 PM

yes, the lesbians have a wiener dog.

That's almost as funny as a couple of fags with a Coleridge -a-poo cat named Licken.

It makes more sense this way.

TheVelveTurd 6,553 10
03/23/2009 05:05 PM

C'mon  Bill.  Coleridge?   Poo?    Fags?    that makes sense, and quite funny I thought.

Bean 8,602 19
03/24/2009 01:09 PM

I think I just had a contraction, I laughed so hard.

Wait a minute... you ARE pregnant?  Last I knew you were and then weren't.

In other lesbian news, I had a dream the other night i was making out with my female boss.  She's an attorney.  In the dream, I was kissing her in places, and asked if she liked it or not, and she said, "I motion to continue."  This is something I wouldn't have thought of AWAKE, so I am really curious how I thought of that when asleep.  

Chance wears GREEN Undies 171,275 14
03/24/2009 02:24 PM

Sleeping in the closet are we?

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
03/24/2009 02:32 PM

I was kissing her in places

Which places?

Just plain Jeeni 47,795 51
03/24/2009 02:53 PM

Somehow I knew you started this thread, Ditdah!

Nicely written, hehehe!

Bean 8,602 19
03/24/2009 03:33 PM

Sleeping in the closet are we?

Not sleeping so much as NOT sleeping. 

Wait... yeah. 

Lobster with Battery Acid Sauce 18,570 33
03/24/2009 04:01 PM

Somehow I knew you started this thead, Ditdah.

PSSST, Jeeni! Over here!

Puppy Penis Problems

Started by Ditdah

Jeff Haynes 631 4
06/03/2009 07:36 AM

The dog has no balls, is living with lesbians and stills gets wood.

Ignorance really is bliss.

Great stuff, very funny!

Jeff Haynes 631 4
06/03/2009 07:39 AM

Or maybe I should say, "Hope/wood springs eternal."

Jelly tipped Neep: Open other end. 35,066 15
03/27/2011 01:16 AM

I freaked out the first time my puppy got a hard on, because it was oozing a yellow substance with pieces of what looked like ham. It had cleared up by the time I got him to the vet, they couldn't find anything wrong with my little man.


Oh, when he got his operation he got just one suture and the vet nurses wouldn't let him forget it. He may be little, but no need to joke about him missing his peanuts.

Jelly tipped Neep: Open other end. 35,066 15
03/27/2011 02:08 AM

Adding insult to injury, they gave him a cat collar.

Sean MacChickens 286,601 61
03/27/2011 06:11 AM

WARNING: THE WOMEN ON ZUG REMOVE BALLS. PROTECT YOURS NOW.

Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
03/27/2011 03:38 PM

Years ago, a friend of ours got a job with a veterinarian. One of the 'percs' was that she could have work done on her animals for free. So, she took the two cats in to be neutered.

The next day, she took the two dogs in to be neutered. When she got home from work that night, her husband was hiding.

SIV9939 13,629 16
03/27/2011 04:40 PM

It would be better if the lesbians got a Poe or two.

Shemp Happens 22,222 17
03/27/2011 05:02 PM

For some reason, the puppy penis story reminds me of this one.


2003-02-12 - Weird News
Wireless Flash News
Skunk Ape Flashings Arousing Attention In Everglades


Ochopee, FL -- Here's a news flash: An exhibitionist Bigfoot is arousing attention in the Everglades.

That's the naked truth according to RV Park owner David Shealy, who says a "skunk ape" recently flashed two Swedish women who were fishing near a river.

Shealy says the witnesses told him the smelly creature suddenly appeared out of the bushes near their rental car and started growling while sniffing the air strangely.

The women feared for their lives but Shealy says they were more concerned about being sexually assaulted because the Skunk Ape had an erection measuring more than 12 inches long.

Luckily, once the creature got his jollies, he disappeared back in the bushes and the ladies drove off in a huff.

Still, Shealy expects more exposures in the near-future. He says it's almost Skunk Ape mating season and the creatures are attracted to the scent of menstruation

Shemp Happens 22,222 17
03/27/2011 05:08 PM

I was still living in Florida at the time, and the above story made the local evening news.

Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
03/27/2011 05:30 PM

and the creatures are attracted to the scent of menstruation

What happens at Gabberglades stays at Gabberglades.

PacificPhi - Back In Action 1,860 6
03/27/2011 06:43 PM

The word everyone is searching for is "Red Rocket".

C'mon folks, at the very minimum let's be medical about said condition.