It's that time of year again. Time to show off my arms and legs and be discriminated against for my race! That's right. I'm white. More specifically, I'm a light-skinned Caucasian.

Never fails. Every summer, as I sit in the shade by the lake, wearing my fuchsia swimsuit, someone walks by and says, "You need some color," or a friend will comment, "You're blinding me!" THAT'S DISCRIMINATION! I'll keep slathering on SPF-1,000,000 as if I live on Mercury! I'm a colored person and that color is white!

Back in the '80s, I learned a hard lesson. I fell asleep in the sun and woke up tomato red. For weeks I had to wear baggy dresses so the fabric wouldn't touch my skin. Phuck!!! When my skin started to peel, it was something out of a horror flick. My thighs started peeling-- only at the tops-- and when I stepped into the shower, the fronts of my legs ballooned out like, well, giant balloons! I hollered for my then-husband to come take a look. We both got a good laugh. We got another good laugh a few days later when it happened again.

I started going to a tanning salon after hearing that getting a "base" would help me not to burn in the sun. Being lily-white, it took me ten sessions just to get a base. After a few years, and thinking about the high incidence of cancer in my family, I bowed out of the struggle forever, embracing my pale skin in my 20s, for that is my natural color.

I can't help but ponder these things every time I see a tanned whitey walk past me in the gym in March. I mean, come on! Am I supposed to believe that you just got back from a month in Cancun? You look like a baseball glove!

Here's how the tanning hut works: you go in and plop down your ten bucks or whatever, and then you climb into a giant microwave oven and lie there in a ridiculous position so the rayShakespeare every potential crease or crevice. And don't forget to sit on the edge of the glass for your last five minutes to nuke your genitals, 'cause god forbid you have a white buttcheek line! It's oh, so very sanitary. And then you can walk out and be a little browner. And a little happier.

Whateva. I'll keep my snow white tan, thank you. I'll wear long sleeves while working in the yard and I'll shy away from shorts. I'll never sit in the sun. When I start to get a one-armed "driver's tan", you'll see me cruising down the road leaning to the port side, tucking my arm down low away from the sun's rays. It's goofy, but hey, it keeps me looking symmetrical. I defy you, all three of my readers, to find a tan line on me anywhere!

Thud 68,506 19
04/01/2009 07:35 PM

I defy you, all three of my readers, to find a tan line on me anywhere!

You're just begging to be asked for pictures, aren't you?

Lobster with Battery Acid Sauce 18,570 33
04/01/2009 10:39 PM

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait just a minute. You're a chick?

Juan: Animal Collectivist 1,173 5
04/01/2009 11:14 PM

You're going to need to stop doing that Shakespeare with the capitalization in the title, sweetheart.

tHe HaLogEn aNaTomY 19 4
04/02/2009 04:41 AM

I'll drop mine if you drop yours.

Rock Lobster is Laying an Egg 18,570 33
04/02/2009 03:10 PM

No, seriously, new girl. If you're old enough to remember the 80's, then you're too old to be doing that Shakespeare. My 14-year-old sister (Don't get any ideas, you pervies!) has even grown out of that nonsense. Use proper grammar here, please.

This has been a public service announcemet from Rock Lobster, Inc.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled funny.

tHe HaLogEn aNaTomY 19 4
04/02/2009 03:53 PM

 Wet blankets.... so Frost-ing hard to wring out!

Pants 14,252 17
04/02/2009 04:21 PM

You look like a baseball glove!

I had to give the love for that line but please, please, please learn to spell if you plan on posting in the future.

tHe HaLogEn aNaTomY 19 4
04/02/2009 07:40 PM

I didn't misspell anything, you elitist blog-peeps.

That funny caps thing? It's called IRONY!!

sTuDlYcApS 

Google it. You word-whore bigots.

Thud 68,506 19
04/02/2009 07:45 PM

How is it ironic?

And I still haven't gotten those tan line pictures so I can verify your claim.

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
04/03/2009 06:07 PM

According to the Jargon File "ThE oRigiN and SigNificaNce of thIs pRacTicE iS oBscuRe." it appears to have been popularized among adolescent users during the BBS and early WWW eras of online culture, as a form of rebellion against the rules for proper capitalization of names and sentences. Unlike the use of all lowercase letters, which suggests laziness or efficiency as a motivation, StudlyCaps requires additional effort to type, either holding and releasing the Shift key with one hand while hunting-and-pecking, or alternately pressing one Shift key or the other while touch typing. The iNiQUITY BBS software based on Renegade had a feature to support this automatically.

So much information and it still sucks ass.

Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
04/03/2009 06:32 PM

"I don't tan, I stroke."

- George Carlin

manhole 21,656 29
04/03/2009 08:23 PM

climb into a giant microwave oven

Close, but there is a slight difference. The "stuff" that cooks your food and gives you a tan is actually the same thing. The only difference is the frequency. Microwave ovens produce electromagnetic radiation at a wavelength of almost 5 inch's. Tanning bed radiation is closer to 0.00001299212598425197 inches.

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
04/04/2009 12:25 PM

climb into a giant microwave oven

Close, but there is a slight difference. The "stuff" that cooks your food and gives you a tan is actually the same thing. The only difference is the frequency. Microwave ovens produce electromagnetic radiation at a wavelength of almost 5 inch's. Tanning bed radiation is closer to 0.00001299212598425197 inches.

Captain: Engage dork factor 5

Straw: Captain I don't think Zug can handle it.

Taco Murderface Murderface 61,976 36
04/04/2009 05:29 PM

I thought articles had to be approved before posting.  Hrmph.