A field guide to identifying  gabbers. (also known as livers/zuggers/ mother-Frosters)





1. The post whore:  These semi-funny individuals use a saturation bombing technique to achieve their status. Posting   new threads sometimes 3 to 4 times in a given day, sometimes funny but more often annoying and prammy, these squirrely cravers of attention can be recognized by their sheer neediness and lack of self esteem. By vomiting their failures in life onto our computer screens for our sympathy or derision they achieve a modicum of catharsis, allowing them to take the barrel out of their mouths and make it through another day.



2. The preg whore: Closely related to the post whore, this less funny subspecies is usually not as successful  at earning zugs but thinks they should be. Almost always  female this crustatious procreating  cretin is known for frequent  name alterations due to frequent hormonal mood swings. Given the chance, they are quick to turn an innocent comment into innuendo and often rely an references to their once alluring sexuality in hopes to earn favor.



3. The cougar:  Milling about the threads are the sworn enemies of the preg whores. Shell shocked by encroaching middle age the cougars are wise and often hilarious, but easy to anger. They are best approached with care and often respond best when engaged in conversations about raising teenagers or complaints about lazy husbands.



4. The hater: Seldom venturing to create a thread the haters lie in wait, ready to feed on the attempts at humor by the post whores. Cruel and unrelenting no comment is over the line. The anonymity of posting online has hardened their hearts and driven them to life of derision and hatefulness.



5. The noob: Often slain by the haters is the noob. Noobs are often  self righteous and easily offended.  Unaware of the shark infested waters of Zug they often dive strait in, only to be seriously maimed and sent running for safer place. Occasionally funny but almost always naïve the noob is lured in by the hopes of tickling the funny bones of strangers only to be boned by funny strangers( figuratively speaking). Few noobs make it to swim along side the others. Persistence and a thick skin is required.



6. The opportunist: With a resounding thud this group is by far the alphas. Choosy with comments and quick to find the funny they know when less is more and when more is required. Amung this group are the young the old and the in between. It could be your teacher, mailman or john. ( if you’re a preg whore) So be sure to look for this group because it’s usually worth the read.

Lobster with a side of Matzoh 18,570 33
04/08/2009 04:19 PM

I knew you wanted to sleep with me.

Test Tube Baby Bunnies 828 5 breaks Velveturd's keyboard over his head
04/08/2009 04:38 PM

Please do not be hating on Lobsty or you will suffer the wrath.  Ever seen a pissed off

Mother grizzly bear ?

Lobster with a side of Matzoh 18,570 33
04/08/2009 04:41 PM

Heh. I got a bodyguard. Now what, punk? Huh? Huh?

Ditdah 123,110 14
04/08/2009 05:06 PM

Why do the majority of the big-eyed-girl posts (with the excpetion of Undies') make my eyes bleed?

MungChamp 35,891 35
04/08/2009 05:09 PM

Hey, I made a list!

I can't believe you knew I was pregnant! I just thought it was gas.

Ditdah 123,110 14
04/08/2009 05:14 PM

Mung spawn frightens me.

Thud 68,506 19
04/08/2009 05:35 PM

Dit!  How's it going?

Thud 68,506 19
04/08/2009 05:51 PM

I forgot to add something:  Nicely done, VT.  I was greatly amused.  I laughed until I stopped.  It made me want to eat my own vomit.

Test Tube Baby Bunnies 828 5
04/08/2009 06:38 PM

Why do the majority of the big-eyed-girl posts (with the exception of Undies ) make my eyes bleed ?

My question to you is why do you think it's wise to push the bitch button ?

Ditdah 123,110 14
04/08/2009 08:04 PM

My question to you is why do you think it's wise to push the bitch button ?

There's a button? You mean, I could turn this off!?! Why didn't anyone tell me!?

Thud 68,506 19
04/08/2009 08:10 PM

Ditdah, that's normally called menopause.

<ducks>

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
04/08/2009 08:55 PM

I have to admit, that was the funniest thing you have ever written. But, enough about you lets talk about me.

Test Tube Baby Bunnies 828 5
04/08/2009 09:02 PM

You mean, I could turn this off!?!   Why didn't anyone tell me !?

Perhaps you didn't get the memo.  I've e-mailed John about it and we should know

something before the next millenium.

TheVelveTurd 6,553 10
04/08/2009 09:46 PM

I have to admit, that was the funniest thing you have ever written.

Shucks....du-hilch..

peoriagrace 6,166 11
04/09/2009 12:15 AM

Hey SoftPoop I think you forgot one: The poster who uses a city name in part or all of their name; and are strange, some funny, and  frightening.

Just plain Jeeni 47,795 51 tries to see where she fits in ~
04/09/2009 02:44 AM

Nice job, Turd!

Bonky 75,733 15
04/09/2009 07:29 AM

You know . . . a proper field guide would tell us which kind of rat we should or should not eat.



 

Chance 171,275 14
04/09/2009 07:45 AM

Nothing about me? I HATE YOU!

Nachos 57,521 23
04/09/2009 07:48 AM

The anonymity of posting online has hardened their hearts and driven them to life of derision and hatefulness.

For some of us it's more of a perk bestowed by Mother Nature.

God bless amoral sociopaths.

UnderPeep 101,398 77
04/09/2009 08:52 AM

Why do the majority of the big-eyed-girl posts (with the exception of Undies ) make my eyes bleed ?

I'm going to start a new thread Dit.

TheVelveTurd 6,553 10
04/09/2009 11:07 AM

Nothing about me? I HATE YOU!

You're in there. I even used your name. You might hate me more because of where I grouped you though.

Chance 171,275 14
04/09/2009 11:10 AM

That doesnt apply to me. Not capitalized.

Thanks and come again.

TheFoye 55,700 16
04/09/2009 11:21 AM

You forgot:

Women who show their boobs.

       Usually unknown and ignored until the day they show their boobs then clicked a lot for a single post and accepted as a Gabber whatever the Frost John is calling  it these days.   A toss up on whether they are funny, but still much loved, well, at least for one post.

Chance 171,275 14
04/09/2009 11:24 AM

FOYE!

TheFoye 55,700 16
04/09/2009 11:26 AM

Chance!

Ravos, A-boi-oi-oing! 63,472 21
04/09/2009 12:35 PM

Shucks....du-hilch hast..

TheVelveTurd 6,553 10
04/09/2009 02:06 PM

Ok, I thought of a couple more.

The nostalgic: This gabber can be identified by their constant complaining about the downfall of the website. Wearing the same old jeens, and whistling that same old tune they reminisce about how great it use to be before the noobs came along and ruined it all when in fact, it was the intolerance of new talent that created the funny famine. Unable to pinpoint exactly what went wrong and unwilling or unable to bring back that magic, they long for better days and drift further into obscurity.

The Frost-ing noob: this close relative of the noob is by far the most hated species in the gabosphere. Also know as the troll, the Frosttard, the dipShakespeare . This surly creature comes around every so often usually just to wreak havoc and test everyone’s resolve. Living off the essence of hatred radiated from their antics they usually bask in it’s glow and try to milk it for as long as possible with racism , sexism, and general douchebaggery. Then they disappear and move on to another website until their mom kicks them off the computer and makes them mow the lawn.

Test Tube Baby Bunnies 828 5 makes Velvet a sammich
04/09/2009 03:48 PM

One of the best threads started by far.   You've got some big balls and the ability to say

what needs to be said.   Oh and you're funny.   Poop. 

( I stand by what I said about Lobsty though)

Colored Egg Shell 77,143 25
04/09/2009 04:38 PM

Shell shocked by encroaching middle age

Heh. I'm only thirty-five. You guys act like I'm collecting Social Security or something.

And I am not a sworn enemy of the pregnant whore type. I used to be one myself.

Nice article, Velveeta. The cougar says Rawr!

Thud 68,506 19
04/09/2009 06:23 PM

Thirty five year old cougar?  Hmmm...

Hey Shell, hold still a minute.

Colored Egg Shell 77,143 25
04/09/2009 06:44 PM

Hey Shell, hold still a minute.

Remember to approach with caution. I anger easily.

Colored Egg Shell 77,143 25
04/09/2009 06:49 PM

Some practical advice for all of the male GABbers.

Pubah 56,813 18
04/09/2009 09:48 PM

Neglected;

Lurkers...Those who watch, but don't play....

Sippin Straw 98,019 37
04/09/2009 10:56 PM

Aww c'mon, I'm not that bad...

Just plain Jeeni 47,795 51
04/12/2009 02:55 AM

Wow, my first "I made a list!" Thanks for the inclusion, Turd!

...though you are reading me wrong if you think I'm bitching.

Chicken McNipples 2,207 7
04/13/2009 03:25 PM

What about the guy who's only been around this site for a few months but writes a guide to something that was discontinued before he started coming here?

Pot:  You're black

Kettle:  I know you are but what am I?

TheVelveTurd 6,553 10
04/13/2009 03:39 PM

What about the guy who's only been around this site for a few months but writes a guide to something that was discontinued before he started coming here?

What about me?  I only called it a field guide for Gabbers because A field guide for Livers sounds like it was meant for the black market organ trade. It only took a couple of months to pen something that evidently struck a chord with everyone here. Like me or not I hope I've made it past the noob stage(both Frost-ing noob and just plain old noob).  Not sure where I fit in, but I like it here. So this asshat may be arround for a while, critiquing you all like I've got some right to do so.

Chicken McNipples 2,207 7
04/13/2009 04:15 PM

Sorry Turd, I was just jealous that there was no "Sexy, hilarious man beast who leaves all who cross his path in tears of laughter."  reference in there.  I just felt left out, that's all.  I've probably been actively coming to this site as much if not less than you have.  

Juan Campos 1,173 5
04/13/2009 07:36 PM

I've probably been actively coming to this site as much if not less than you have.

Deep. Very deep.

Thud 68,506 19
04/13/2009 07:59 PM

Sorry Turd, I was just jealous that there was no "Sexy, hilarious man beast who leaves all who cross his path in tears of laughter."  reference in there.  I just felt left out, that's all.

My suggestion for you:  Wear pants more often.

Pants 14,252 17
04/13/2009 08:03 PM

My suggestion for you: Wear pants more often. 

Dude, if he even gets near me I'm going to bust his Frost-ing lip.

P*H*L*A* 131,068 34
04/14/2009 12:00 AM

You forgot the Aardvark Senator Battleships: Best known for their grocery lists of fun and on-topicness.  Orange tic-tacs optional.  Kung Fu skills a plus.

Tweak 18,881 12
06/01/2009 02:34 PM

I find Turd's spelling ability vaguely amusing. His posts are long and almost all of the words are spelled correctly, however the errors he does make are so Frost-ing retarded I don't know how he manages to turn his computer on at all. Jeens? Really?

Also, his smug self satisfaction and the assumption that he's got everyone here completely figured out, along with his own delusion that he belongs here, would be funny if it wasn't the exact same delusion shared by about fifty other people who didn't last very long after they declared they were here to stay.

TheVelveTurd 6,553 10
06/01/2009 02:42 PM

Tweak, you are a Frost-ing moron. I think everyone else here knew I was referring to Jeeni when I said Jeens, and Mung when I said "amung". It was a schtick I used throughout the whole article you dipShakespeare. I haven't got everyone figured out but I'd say I know all I need to about you.

Tweak 18,881 12
06/01/2009 02:48 PM

Sorry 'bout that, I was of the impression that Jeeni was more recent than 2006. On the other hand, it's 6am here and I still think you're a douche. Good day.

The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy, Jr. 203,956 21
06/01/2009 02:52 PM

I want to punch Chance in the vagina.

Tweak 18,881 12
06/01/2009 02:56 PM

And I want my dick to be in your hand when you do it.

The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy, Jr. 203,956 21
06/01/2009 03:03 PM

Fag.

Lobsta- Now With FIBER!! 18,570 33
06/01/2009 03:09 PM

Keep talking like that BIG, and I'll do something diabolical.

The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy, Jr. 203,956 21
06/01/2009 04:45 PM

From the AP News Desk: "Pregnant Woman in Florida goes on fire bombing spree: Liquor Stores Targeted."

/Pram 80,728 42
06/01/2009 06:16 PM

Noobs are often self righteous and easily offended. Unaware of the shark infested waters of Zug they often dive strait in,

You misspelled "straight", ya dumb Frost!