by Whistler P. McManus

I'm of the opinion that an accomplished artist can take a work by another and make it into not just something else, but something more. It doesn't always work out, but if people didn't try, we wouldn't have Jimi Hendrix's version of Bob Dylan's All Along the Watchtower, Patti Smith's version of Them's Gloria, Cream's version of Robert Johnson's Cross Road Blues, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's version of Judy Garland's Over the Rainbow, or Alanis Morrisette's version of Fergie's My Hump.

That's Bruddah Iz (Israel Kamakawiwo'ole), not Suicide Ranger.

I'm going to try to stick with cover versions that I think were recorded with the belief that the covering artist was making a genuine effort at an artistic statement or at least paying tribute to the original artist/song. I will nominate 25 songs, and select from that list the worst 3. I have listed the covering artist, followed by the song title, followed by general note categories (in parentheses) and original artist [in brackets]. Notes following each song title indicate the following general categories of awfulness:

1. Bad covers of bad originals.

2. Grossly inappropriate material for the covering artist.

3. Original so awesome it should not have been covered.

4. Covering artist just plain sucks.

The nominees:

Pat Boone: Tutti Frutti. (2, 3) [Little Richard]. This is a great place to begin. For those without the historical background, Little Richard was a popular artist on what used to be called "Race Records." There was a belief at the time that white folks wouldn't buy records made by black musicians. We're talking about the 1950's and earlier here. If a race record was a hit, a white artist would record a version sanitized of racial and sexual overtones and whatever other teeth it might have had. The cover would then make money for everyone but the original artist. Pat Boone is probably the first name that comes to mind when people remember this practice. Little Richard, along with Chuck Berry, are the first names that come to mind when people think of early race records that "crossed over" and were bought by white audiences. Boone's verion of Tutti Frutti made it to number 12 on the Billboard charts. Little Richard's original peaked at number 17. Still, it's Little Richard's version that has endured, and Boone's has faded in ignominy.

In 1955, white people were afraid of this man.

Guns 'n' Roses: Knockin on Heaven's Door. (2) [Bob Dylan]. Even Avril Lavigne's version was better.

Guns 'n' Roses: Live and Let Die. (2) [Wings]. I like GnR, but I believe that if you're going to cover a song, you should have your vocalist learn the lyrics, or at least have a copy to read from when recording it. Axl sounded like he was making it up as he went along.

James Blunt: Rocky Racoon. (1,4) [Beatles]. If you're a totally lame would-be-romantic-but-is-actually-quite-homosexual crooner, and you're going to try to sell CD's by covering the most popular band in history, why wouldn't you pick a nice ballad or love song instead of the stupidest song they ever recorded?

William Shatner: Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. (1,4) [Beatles]. This is considered by many people to be the worst cover song of all time. I'm not 100% certain that Bill wasn't goofing here. The Shatner ego, however, is enormous. It's entirely possible that Captain Kirk actually believed that his interpretation added something.

Picture. Yourself. On a boat. In a river.

Madonna: American Pie. (2) [Don McLean]. This song didn't exactly rock in the original version, but it is wonderfully fun to analyze, makes a bold statement and has a catchy chorus. The Material Girl just butchered the hell out of it, removing any semblance of sense, any meaning whatsoever and any heart it may have once had.

Kelly Osborne: Papa Don't Preach. (4) [Madonna]. Madge deserved this after what she did to Don McLean.

Britney Spears: Satisfaction. (2,4) [Rolling Stones]. Just sooooo inappropriate. The original rocks like a mother-Froster. It is an angry song. Angry riff, angry lyrics, angry everything. And not "the groomer screwed up the cut on my teacup poodle" angry, or "someone put regular milk in my soy latte" angry.

Britney Spears: I Love Rock and Roll (2,4) [Joan Jett and the Blackhearts]. Joan Jett may not be Jagger/Richards, and this may be the corniest of her efforts, but Joan does have balls. And I'm not trying to say she's a lesbian (though I think she might be).

Metallica: Turn the Page. (1) [Bob Seger]. I actually like Metallica, even if I do think that Lars and James are a little too full of themselves. And while James' voice is well suited for most of their originals, he makes a garbled mess of this song. Bob Seger sings to tell a story, and James sings to set a mood, or conjure an image. Metallica should have known that.

Metallica: Whisky in the Jar. (2) [traditional]. Not to pick on Metallica again, but Whisky in the Jar? Leave it for the Chieftans, the Dubliners, the Clancy Brothers, Thin Lizzy or even the Pogues.

Whisky in the Jar: Yes

Whisky in the Jar: No

Limp Bizkit: Baba O'Reilly. (3,4) [The Who].

Limp Bizkit: Behind Blue Eyes. (3,4) [The Who].

Pearl Jam: Love Reign O'er Me. (3,4) [The Who].

Cheryl Crow: Behind Blue Eyes. (2,3) [The Who].

Hilary Duff: My Generation. (2,3,4) [The Who].

You just don't cover The Who. Even if you're George W. Bush singing Won't Get Fooled Again. No other band, or group of studio players, is The Who. The Who, to a man, are gods. And these are four of their greatest achievements. Maybe The Clash could have covered a Who song and I wouldn't have objected. Maybe The Stooges. But Hilary Frost-ing Duff? Limp Bizkit? Pearl Jam, with that no talent Eddie Vedder? Cheryl "Tour de France Groupie" Crow? No, no, no and good god no.

Faith Hill: Piece of My Heart. (2) [Janis Joplin].

Faith Hill is pretty.



Janis Joplin was not.


Janis Joplin could sing like someone really was tearing out a piece of her heart.




Faith Hill is pretty.

Celine Dion: You Shook Me All Night Long. (2,4) [AC/DC]. I'm not sure that anyone without testicles should attempt an AC/DC song, but I try to keep an open mind. The warbling of this Canadian curse on the world, though, is an insult to the memory of Bon Scott, and to the ears of every living thing.

Counting Crows: Big Yellow Taxi. (1,2,4) [Joni Mitchell]. The original was a stupid song. And a chick song. And Adam Duritz sings like my ass chews gum.

Michael Bolton: Dock of the Bay. (3,4) [Otis Redding]. Otis Redding's version of this song nearly makes me cry. Unfortunately, Michael Bolton's version does make me cry.

Frank Sinatra: Something. (2) [Beatles]. Who the Frost is Jack, and what does he have to do with George Harrison and Patti Boyd? Frank just totally missed the point on this one.

Rod Stewart: Downtown Train. (2,4) [Tom Waits]. Once upon a time, Rod Stewart was a cool guy. Not as cool as Tom Waits, but pretty Frost-ing cool. Anyway, Rod is not cool anymore, and he did nothing for this song.

Motley Crue: Anarchy in the U.K. (2) [Sex Pistols]. I really, really, highly doubt that anyone in Motley Crue (with the possible exception of Mick Mars), could even give us a proper definition for anarchy. Or find the U.K. on a map.

Kid Rock: Feel Like Makin' Love. (4) [Bad Company]. When they came out, I thought Bawitdaba and Cowboy were kind of fun, interesting "songs." And I put songs in quotes because they're kind of tuneless. Or at least Kid's singing is. But they're fun, if you don't pay too much attention to the macho posturing and weenie waving. Kid took a wrong turn covering Bad Company and trying to sing like he was serious.

Kid Rock: All Summer Long. (4) [Lynyrd Skynyrd] [Warren Zevon]. (Sweet Home Alabama and Werewolves of London) In case you didn't know already, I don't like Kid Rock. He's a tool. To take these songs, whose original composers are no longer alive to defend themselves, and bring them together in his own lame-ass "mash up" is just too much.

He takes a good mugshot, though. I'll give him that.

And the winners (losers?) for Top 3 Worst Cover Versions That Ruined the Original Song:

3. Madonna: American Pie. As the Christians say, it is an abomination.

But at least she's still sexy.

2. Metallica: Turn the Page. Take the marbles out of your mouth, James.

1. Limp Bizkit: Baba O'Reilly. Fred Durst - please die.

Thumbs up like Fonzie. Douchebag.

If you enjoyed this article, you might also enjoy Three Badass Rock Songs That Really Do Use Cowbell, by the same brilliant author. Or you can earn funny points by arguing with his selections, below.

Chit 178,781 15
04/13/2009 12:36 AM

Best Article Evar!





Wow...you have 4 more like this?  



Long Live ZuG!



 

Wino Willie McManus 186,130 44
04/13/2009 12:46 AM

Thanks, Chit.  I don't have all five yet, but I'm working on them.

I actually have 50 nominees for the 3 badass rock songs that features cowbell article.  I wish I didn't suck so much at the html, or it would be done by now.

Redwing 3,887 30
04/13/2009 12:54 AM

Great article. 

The cover I hate the most is White Snake doing Ian Hunter and Mick Ronson's Once Bitten, Twice Shy.

Compared to the original, White Snake sounds like a second grade kazoo band.

Chit 178,781 15
04/13/2009 01:23 AM

Easily, (in my opinion) the best cover version of any of the songs that you mentioned was, Over the Rainbow, by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole.

He also wins the prize for making me unsure that he wasn't using a full sized guitar in the photo...even though I'm sure it was a ukulele that he used in the recording of the song.

John Hargrave 128,751 73
04/13/2009 06:12 AM

Best. Article. About. Bad. Cover. Songs. Ever.

Rating Madonna above Bill Shatner shows that you are not afraid to take on the entire Internet with your musical opinions.

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
04/13/2009 08:06 AM

Awesome article, sir.  Also, and this is very rare for an article about music, I agree with pretty much everything you wrote.  You really hit the nail on the head, especially about The Who, and how perhaps The Clash could get away with covering them but few others could.



I would also nominate Marilyn Manson’s cover of Sweet Dreams for a category 4.  Not only does he just plain suck, he sings it in that “This’ll really scare your parents!” Voice that nobody over 12 actually believes anymore.  You’ll also need another category “Covering artist wants to suddenly be known by a wider audience so he covers a song that the previous generation will recognize.”   See also: The Lemonheads covering Mrs. Robinson, though that’s actually somewhat passable.

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
04/13/2009 08:20 AM

Also, I would tottally delete that reference to Suicide Ranger, and then delete this post.  In-jokes have no place in an article that could be read by non-regulars.

TableTopJane 173,958 15
04/13/2009 09:07 AM

Donk and I were talking just this weekend about how bad Limp Bizkit's cover of George Michael's Faith was. I don't think I realized until I read this thread just how many songs Fred and his posse had ruined. Awesome article, icon-buddy

Colored Egg Shell 77,143 25
04/13/2009 09:07 AM

Great article!

I'm so glad that they have stopped playing Kid Rock's All Summer Long  on the radio so much. It made me want to ram my minivan into the nearest bridge abutment whenever it came on. It's almost as annoying as Beyonce's song about putting the ring on it or whatever.

Pubah 56,817 18
04/13/2009 10:32 AM

Bravo, bravo...Whistler,  you've shown me how to write an article.

May I add to your list of "Immortals NO ONE SHOULD EVER TRY TO COVER" (The Who, Janis Joplin)

Chaka Kanh, Minnie Ripperton, Phillip Bailey, Teddy Pendegrass, Marvin Gaye

I'm gonna go read that again so I can get smarter.  

manhole 21,656 29
04/13/2009 11:04 AM

Limp Bizkit: Baba O'Reilly.

My ears are lucky to have never heard this. The first time I heard their version of Behind Blue Eyes, I wanted put my radio in a triangle choke. What really irked me was how they added their own lyrics. It's one the thing to do a Shakespearety cover. But to actually change the lyrics, that's sacrilege.

 

skevimc 0 4
04/13/2009 12:48 PM

Great article.  Although I have to disagree with the Pearl Jam thing.  I like Pearl Jam a lot and think they capture Reign and Baba O'Riley pretty well.  But that's my opinion.  And they've definitely done a few stinkers The Last Kiss.

At any rate...   I was thinking about this very thing last week and I put Tori Amos' Smells like teen sprit.  To sing Cobain's jibberish sounding chorus all slow and serious is pretty "frosting" stupid.  (Love the use of the word frosting in here).  Somebody should have told Tori it's not really a piano kind of song.

Also Billy Corgan covering Landslide.  Dude.  Come on.  Seriously.  You're Billy-frosting-Corgan of the Smashing-frosting-Pumkins.  You wrote "emptyness is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness and cleanliness is godliness and god is empty just like me".  Don't sing a chick song.

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
04/13/2009 12:59 PM

Tori it's not really a piano kind of song.



I disagree.  Who wants to hear a cover that is identical to the original song?  One of the best things an artist can do when covering a song is to completely change it and make it their own.  Now, I’m not really much of a Tori Amos fan, mostly because I don’t have a vagina, I’m not 22, it’s no longer 1993, and I don't define myself by that time I was date raped back in college, but I think she does that song justice because she takes a song that means a lot to a lot of people and turns it into a song that means a lot to Tori Amos fans.  It's like Jimi Hendrix turning Bob Dylan into Jimi Hendrix, or Van Halen totally making a Roy Orbison song their own.  That's when cover songs really shine.



Billy Grogan, on the other hand, could sing Happy Birthday To You and it would be the worst song in the world, because anything that comes out of that little bald headed “look at me I’m so angsty!” loser’s mouth automatically turns to Shakespeare.

 

Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
04/13/2009 01:02 PM

I'm going to read that whole thing when the speed kicks in.

Lobster with a side of Matzoh 18,570 33
04/13/2009 01:02 PM

Who broke ZuG?

That was really good, Whistler. I look forward to continuing wasting my day by reading your articles.

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
04/13/2009 01:51 PM

I have no idea who Faith Hill is but, yes, she is indeed pretty.  I wonder what she looks like when she hasn't been worked on by a team of Photoshop masters.

Pram eats cholit bunnies ASS FIRST! 80,728 42
04/13/2009 02:37 PM

Also Billy Corgan covering Landslide. Dude. Come on. Seriously. You're Billy-frosting-Corgan of the Smashing-frosting-Pumkins. You wrote "emptyness is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness and cleanliness is godliness and god is empty just like me".

He also wrote many ballads that sound like chick songs. Billy Corgan can do both the hard and soft.

That doesn't sound right... But he probably does those things, too.

Marilyn Manson- 1, 2, 3, 4 (especially his last album, which was a 5- "this was written on a typewriter by retarded Rhesus monkeys".)

Thud 68,506 19
04/13/2009 07:32 PM

[/i]Bravo Whistler, bravo.  Very nicely done.

Phuc 237,919 21
04/13/2009 10:23 PM

Awesome article, Whistla. I think I agree with almost everything you wrote.

I would like to add 311's cover of that Cure song. Not that I particularly like The Cure, but if you're going to cover a song, don't use the exact same arrangement and try to sound just like the original. Then again, 311 is to music what a dead dog's gangrenous ass is to appetite.

Also, Dropkick Murphy's cover of AC/DC's "It's a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock and Roll)." Again for the same reason: Don't do it note-for-note, especially if you aren't fit to lick the original band's toe cheese.

Wino Willie McManus 186,130 44
04/14/2009 12:11 AM

</i>I was thinking about doing an article on cover songs that kick ass, but I don't think I could make it funny.  So I'm just going to suggest that you all go find a copy of Steve Allen and Eydie Gorme doing Soundgarden's Black Hole Sun.  And Type O Negative doing Neil Young's Cinnamon Girl.

Wino Willie McManus 186,130 44
04/14/2009 04:05 AM

According to the ZuG main page, John Hargrave wrote this article.  I demand a recount!

Pubah 56,817 18
04/14/2009 10:04 AM

Who gives a Shakespeare...According to him, he also invented the internet

Juan Campos 1,173 5
04/14/2009 10:20 PM

Also, Dropkick Murphy's cover of AC/DC's "It's a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock and Roll)." Again for the same reason: Don't do it note-for-note, especially if you aren't fit to lick the original band's toe cheese.

Iwouldn't say that the Dropkick Murphys are a phenomenal band by any means, but let's be frank for a second here. AC/DC sucks. They're not the worst band ever, but they barely scrape together enough talent between however many members they have to add up to mediocre.

Notes following each song title indicate the following general categories of awfulness: ... Grossly inappropriate material for the covering artist.

Now while I'll agree that this is true in a general sense, sometimes the style of the covering band is so polarly opposite to that of the original as to be hilarious, like the grindcore/progressive metal/jazz fusion bandThe Number Twelve Looks Like You covering The Knack's late 1970s pop hit, My Sharona.

Original version

Cover version

Thud 68,506 19
04/14/2009 10:22 PM

but let's be frank for a second here. AC/DC sucks.

Bite your tongue, youngster.

Juan Campos 1,173 5
04/14/2009 10:53 PM

Bite your tongue, youngster.

I wish Brian Johnson had done that, instead of singing AC/DC albums for the past 30 years.

Thud 68,506 19
04/14/2009 11:03 PM

You wish Brian Johnson had bitten your tongue?

Whatever twists your licorice, I guess.

Juan Campos 1,173 5
04/15/2009 12:07 AM

You comically misunderstand me.

Then again, you know that.

Juan Campos 1,173 5
04/15/2009 06:53 PM

Is anyone else seeing this entire page in italics?

Thud 68,506 19
04/15/2009 06:54 PM

No, no one else is.  It's just your eyes.  Try taking them out and cleaning them.

Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
04/15/2009 07:12 PM

Then again, 311 is to music what a dead dog's gangrenous ass is to appetite.

Given what you've shared with us about what whets your appetite, does that mean that you like 311?

Your What?! Hurts? 5,582 10
04/15/2009 10:47 PM

"I have listed the covering artist, followed by the song title, followed by general note categories (in parentheses) and original artist [in brackets]."

Goddamnit, ZUG is Frost-ing hard!  Was I supposed to try & remember all that sequency stuff, AND read the rest of the article at the same time?  Jesus Christ, I didn't come here to prep for the SATs.

Could I get a poop joke, please?  

Phuc 237,919 21
04/16/2009 05:35 PM

Then again, 311 is to music what a dead dog's gangrenous ass is to appetite.

Given what you've shared with us about what whets your appetite, does that mean that you like 311?

I only like it alive. Gangrenous dog ass sashimi.

Millie 116,988 28
04/17/2009 04:26 PM

I have (thankfully) not heard many of those sucky cover songs.  But I did hear Faith Hill's version of Piece of My Heart and wanted to drive to Nashville and kill her.  Janis Joplin was actually doing a cover version when she recorded it, although it did become her signature song, and once she recorded it, anyone else recording that song was doomed to sound like crap.



Some bands' songs just shouldn't be covered, like AC/DC.  I can't imagine anyone doing an AC/DC song as good as they do.  Same with the Sex Pistols.  Please.



If someone is a good and talented musician with a lot of great songs that he/she has written, I think they've earned the right to do cover songs.  Steve Earle does great things with other people's songs.  Also,  Johnny Cash (Cash), The Ramones (Acid Eaters), Bruce Springsteen, etc.  One of my favorite cds is Deadicated, which has a bunch of different artists doing Grateful Dead songs.  I especially love Dan Baird's version of U.S. Blues, which kicks ass (he also does a great cover of Deep Purple's Hush on one of his albums).



There are some songs where I prefer the cover to the original, like Steve Earle doing State Trooper (Springsteen) or Dead Flowers (Stones).  I agree that I think the cover should not sound just like the original--what's the point of that?



What I don't like is if you are a sucky musician with Shakespearety songs, so you think doing a cover song will get you radio play.  Which are most of the people in Whistler's article.



One song I didn't see in the article is Manfred Mann's Blinded By the Light .  UGH.  Manfred Mann is a repeat offender--didn't he also ruin Quinn the Eskimo?



One cover I like which I have only seen on that Pepsi commercial is whats-his-name doing Forever Young and then it blends into Bob Dylan's version. 



 

Thirza 3 5
04/18/2009 06:30 PM

Anything by Onan Keating. Or more specifically Time after Time. Bland.

He is such a wanker. I think it may be Roman Keating, in which case I'd take it to the forum.

Oo the Fugees, and Killing me Softly (with his song)

It was absolutley wonderful, until the guy with the pajamas emerged from his pit, presumably , and proceeded to destroy the whole thing.

T.

EvilGod 4 4
04/21/2009 11:44 PM

I can only assume you haven't heard the horror that is Cheryl Crow's acoustic destruction version of Sweet Child O' Mine. [cringe]
I think it would be fair to say anything rehashed by Celine Dion. She even wrecked a song that seemed perfect for her, the pop ballad Jennifer Rush's, The Power of Love. Mind you I'm biased, I was once the choirmaster at school so I can recognise a total lack of natural talent, kind of like Eddie Vedder.

Your taste in music is truly excellent.

Neeley 0 4
04/23/2009 06:46 PM

Great article, I agree with pretty much everything here. Especially Whiskey in the Jar, I've always thought that was an odd song for Metallica.

Although I must say, My Chemical Romance's cover of Desolation Row by Dylan should have been on the list. I had never listened to a cover that had so completely missed the point of the song until I heard that.

The Rockin' Donkey 77,546 17
04/23/2009 07:55 PM

Johnny Cash's version of Hurt.

Don't get me wrong, I like a lot of Cash's music, but that was just wrong.

BC Bud 13,792 15
04/23/2009 10:46 PM

Twisted Sister and Quiet Riot ruined 2 great Slade songs (yes I remember the early 70's). Come feel the noise and Mama were all crazy now...


and to you younguns NO TWISTED SISTER and QUIET RIOT DIDN'T WRITE THEM!!!!!!!!!


now get off my Frost-ing lawn........

Thirza 3 5
04/25/2009 07:09 PM

The cover I hate the most is White Snake doing Ian Hunter and Mick Ronson's Once Bitten, Twice Shy.

Mick was underated, an innovative and amazing guitarist, just a poor boy from Hull really, but focused David Bowie's brilliant Lust for Life Ziggy Stardust and the forgotten Man Who Sold The World album, without which Bowie would never have been able to sell his Future Sales and bring about The Credit Crunch.
Mick arranged the instruments on Lou Reed's legendary Transformer album. So David Ditched him, Bastard.
Iggy Pop is proud (and advertising Insurance here).
T.

charlie guitea 29 8
05/22/2009 06:51 PM

Nobody mentioned George Michal's version of The Police's Roxanne!!!
Hands down, that HAS TO BE the worst cover ever!!!
Anybody with me on this one???

Juan Campos 1,173 5
05/23/2009 12:59 AM

STFU N00B