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by Whistler P. McManus
Though most of you know me as a specialist in antiquated instruments and forms of music, I also have a deep and abiding interest in some more modern forms of music, particularly blues, rock and roll and classic rock. I love a badass rock song, I love Christopher Walken, and I love some cowbell, and so it was not without some foreknowledge that I began to compile my list of nominations for this honor.
I decided upon the following parameters for considering songs for this honor: the use of cowbell in the song must be significant enough that upon hearing the name of the song alone, I would think, "Of course!" And further, the cowbell part should be so well defined that I could easily play the part in a cowbell karaoke contest, were such a thing to exist. Finally, the song could not be "Don't Fear the Reaper."
So babies, before we're done here, y'all'll be wearing gold plated diapers.
The Nominees:
AC/DC: You Shook Me (All Night Long). An extra badass song by an extra badass band.
B-52's: Rock Lobster.
B-52's: Love Shack. Both of these are great songs with great cowbell parts by a band that should have been taken more seriously.
Beatles: Drive My Car. Ringo was a criminally underappreciated cowbell artist.
Blood, Sweat, and Tears: Spinning Wheel. This is an odd, but wonderful song with wild horns and a delicious cowbell part.
BTO: Ain't Seen Nothing Yet. A classic cheesy rocker. But take away the cowbell and you're left with nothing but stuttering nonsense.
Commodores: Brick House. 36, 24, 36, what a winning hand!
Creedence Clearwater Revival: Down on the Corner. Willie and the Poor Boys is the name of the album, but you should get Chronicle, a greatest hits compilation CD, if you don't already have it.
Dale Hawkins: Susie-Q. Creedence took a page (and a couple of songs) from Hawkins, who was one of the architects of swamp rock.
Def Leppard: Rock of Ages. One-armed cowbell playing rocks.
Edgar Winter Group: Frankenstein. This is another weird and wonderful tune that features a prominent cowbell and drum solo.
Oh yeah, he was a weird looking dude, too.
Elvis Costello: Everyday I Write the Book. The real Elvis.
Foghat: Fool for the City. More cowbell cheese. I am unashamed of my love for this band.
Free: All Right Now. If you've ever tuned in to a classic rock radio station, you've heard Paul Rodgers belting out this cowbell classic.
Grand Funk: We're an American Band. Come on dudes, let's get it on!
Guns 'n' Roses: Welcome to the Jungle. Probably the best song this group ever did, and naturally, their cowbell showcase.
Iggy and the Stooges: Raw Power. It's Iggy, bitches. Kneel.
Iron Butterfly: In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida. This 17 minute magnum opus took up the entire second side of Iron Butterfly's second album. Many people consider this release to be the birth of heavy metal. That metal, my friends, was the copper of a cowbell.
James Gang: Funk #49. Funk #49 is an instrumental that features Joe Walsh's guitar and, believe it or not, a brief cowbell SOLO!
Jethro Tull: Cross Eyed Mary. Cowbell, and flute, too!
Jimi Hendrix: Stone Free. The master of all that is rock, and his most cowbellified composition.
Kiss: Rock and Roll All Night. Another great drum and cowbell solo, with chanted chorus.
Led Zeppelin: Moby Dick. It may or may not be about John Bonham's penis.
Lipps, Inc.: Funkytown. Don't tell anyone, but this is a disco song that I actually liked.
Motley Crue: Dr. Feelgood. Tommy Lee is a tool, but he can drum. And cowbell.
Tommy's setup. Note the cowbell just to the right of drum D.
"Wow, I couldn't be more of a douchebag."
Mountain: Mississippi Queen. I believe this to be a perfect rock song. Iconic lyrics, crushing riff, awesome guitar solo and it opens with a rocking cowbell intro.
Nazareth: Hair of the Dog. How can you not love a song whose chorus is: "Now you're messin' with a. A son of a biitch!" Not to mention the emphatic cowbell punctuation.
New York Dolls: Private World. When Buster Poindexter was still David Johanson, he was in a really great band.
Parliament Funkadelic: One Nation under a Groove. George Clinton and Bootsy Collins are two of my heroes.
Police: Roxanne. Before he filched his lyrics from Hallmark cards, before his hairline receded and before he got all tantric on us, Sting had some worthwhile output. With cowbell.
Pretenders: Brass in Pocket. Chrissie Hynde is the woman who rocks the hardest, and this is her cowbell anthem.
Ramones: Suzy is a Headbanger. R.I.P. Johnny, Joey and Dee Dee. Hmmm. The only survivor is the one who played the cowbell.
Rick Derringer: Rock and Roll Hoochie Koo. This classic rock staple is also a Guitar Hero staple, which makes me wonder when they're going to come out with Cowbell Hero.
Rolling Stones: Honky Tonk Woman. The cowbelliest of the many Stones songs that feature cowbell.
Jimmy Miller.
Rolling Stones: Satisfaction. Everyone thinks this one is all about Keith Richards' guitar riff. I attribute its success to producer Jimmy Miller's rockin' cowbell beat.
Run DMC: King of Rock. Yes, even rappers cowbell.
Santana: Evil Ways. When a band has three drummers, it's inevitable that you'll end up with a healthy dose of cowbell in their music.
Sly and the Family Stone: Dance to the Music. Cynthia and Jerry got a message that says, "All the squares, go home!"
Soundgarden: Spoon Man. It's a shame this band broke up. And it's a shame they didn't call this song Cowbell Man.
Stealer's Wheel: Stuck in the Middle with You. It's hard to hear this song now because I cover my ears with my hands whenever it comes on the radio, but it does have an undeniably infectious cowbell groove.
Steely Dan: Do It Again. Though it's more notable for the electric sitar solo, the cowbell is indispensible.
Sweet: Little Willie. With a crappy melody, a non-existent riff and some juvenile lyrics, how do you make a hit song? Simple: More. Cowbell.
Talking Heads: Once in a Lifetime. You may ask yourself: how did I get here? With cowbell, that's how.
Ted Nugent: Free For All. The Nuge is an Emerson, pure and simple. He is, however, an Emerson who rocks. With cowbell.
Tom Jones: She's a Lady. Alright, it's not exactly a badass rock song, but it does swing hard. And rocks the cowbell.
Tone Loc: Funky Cold Medina. With samples from Honky Tonk Women and You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet, plus a beat stolen from P-Funk, you know you're entering into cowbell history.
Twisted Sister: We're Not Gonna Take It. Another example of a song where the penultimate appearance of the chorus is chanted over a cowbell beat. I'm detecting a pattern among one hit wonders with this phenomenon.
War: Low Rider. Lonnie Jordan was the artist on this cowbell classic from another group that should be better remembered.
Warrant: Cherry Pie. With all due respect to Donk, this band sucked. But drummer Steven "Sweet" Chamberlin had talent. And a cowbell.
Wild Cherry: Play that Funky Music (White Boy). Admit it: you sing along at the top of your lungs to this when you're alone in the car. And if you had a cowbell, you'd play that, too.
Yardbirds: For Your Love. Eric Clapton claims that the decision to record this song was the final straw that prompted his departure from the Yardbirds. Still, I love the song, the cowbell part and the fact that Clapton went right into the Bluesbreakers and Jimmy Page stepped into his Yardbirds shoes.
Obviously, a lot of great rock songs have major cowbell in them. Like it's the secret ingredient for rock hitmaking. THE Bruce Dickenson* must have been on to something.
The final step was narrowing the 51 nominees down to just three winners. First I focused on eliminating all the songs that really weren't badass. The remaining songs I played over and over in my mind, and eventually decided on those with the strongest cowbell presence.
And the winners:
3. Mountain: Mississippi Queen. I may be biased, though, because this is also my favorite rock song of all time.
2. Nazareth: Hair of the Dog.
1. Grand Funk: We're an American Band.
Luckily, in the pre-MTV era, you didn't have to be good-looking to have a hit song.
*name of the character played by Christopher Walken in the famous skit. Not actually the name of the song's producer.
If you enjoyed this article, you might also enjoy The Chinese Tattoo Prank, in which he pranks a co-worker into thinking that her Chinese tattoo really spells "tofu."
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