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a.k.a. "If I Wasn't Married, I'd Be All Over That Shakespeare."
By Whistler P. McManus
I vaguely remember being single, though I've been married for almost 23 years now, and might as well have been married for the two years prior to that. Yes, marriage changes things.
Let's start with your living arrangements. A single guy, whether he lives alone or with roommates, is free to live where he likes. Who cares if the neighborhood isn't the safest, or the schools aren't the best, or there isn't a picture window with a southern exposure -- as long as you're conveniently located to your favorite bar, a decent pizza place and a bus line to get you to work? And if the rent is cheap enough to leave enough money for microbrews instead of Milwaukee's Best, so much the better.
Single guy's kitchen/living room.
I like living in pleasant surroundings, but really, function is much more important for me. As a bachelor, my prized piece of furniture was a La-Z-Boy recliner I rescued from a trash heap. The upholstery was a little rough in spots, but I'm sure that several naugas died to make it, so it was worth investing in a roll of duct tape to repair it with. Throwing an afghan, hand crocheted by my grandmother, over it added just the splash of color and class it needed. Sadly, that chair did not make it to the first apartment my wife and I shared. In fact, no piece of furniture with accommodations for resting one's feet (other than the bed) did. No recliner, no ottoman. It was the first argument and the first loss of my cohabitation.
Married couple's kitchen/living room.
I never really paid much attention to window treatments when I was single, either. If there was something there when I moved into a place, great. If not, it either stayed uncovered, or if the light was bothering me, got covered by an old sheet. Once married, I found out that it was possible to spend the equivalent of the gross national product of a small Central American country on window treatments.
Single guy's bedroom.
Married couple's bedroom. This lucky bastard has an ottoman.
The next topic I'd like to discuss is financial independence. When I was single, I once won a fairly significant amount of money in a Super Bowl pool. When I collected that money, I was free to do with it whatever I pleased. Which mostly involved spreading it around the local bars. Now as a married guy, if I had a windfall like that, it's another story. My wife and I have always lived by the what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine guideline. And even if she told me to do whatever I want with the money, I know the deal. If I'm going to do something frivolous and irresponsible, either it should include her, or I should give her half the money or buy her something with half the money. A better idea would be for me to independently decide to spend it on some kind of home improvement, or something for our whole family.
What to do with a windfall when you're single? Hookers and blow! Ferrari optional.
Some guys might try to hide the fact that they got the extra dough. If you're spending it on hookers and blow, hopefully there will be no evidence, but if you were thinking of buying a motorcycle or some computer gear or a fancy new fife, she might want to know how you managed it. You're better off 'fessing up. And sharing.
What to do with a windfall when you're married? Take the whole family to Colonial Williamsburg!
Ignoring my family of origin was one of the great perks of my single days. I had a couple of years of peace in between leaving home and getting married. When, for whatever reason, I wanted to see or speak to my relatives, I did so. And when I didn't (which was most of the time), I didn't. Remember that this was before cell phones and e-mail made it almost impossible to hide. There was quite a bit of time during those years when I was living on the road or just didn't have telephone service. Usually there was someone they could call who could get a message to me, but for the most part, I was easily able to duck them.
When I first met my wife, she had pretty much the same relationship with her own family. And that worked out just great. And then we got married. Somehow, after we were married, my wife decided that if I wasn't in contact with my parents or siblings, it was a reflection on her. And so I had to let that annoying bunch back into my life. It got even worse after we had children. Not only did we have to call and visit them, but we had to invite them to visit in our home. After spending 16 years plotting my escape from them, they were back in.
Women. It's the topic you've all been waiting to hear. I'm constantly hearing all the married guys in my office talking about what the single guys should do.
As the man said, "If I wasn't married, I'd be all over that Shakespeare."
Most of them are lying.
I knew these guys when they were single, and they were fumbling idiots when it came to women. Most of them practically had to wait for the girl to ask them out, or resort to using go betweens, like a middle-schooler, to find out if she liked him "like that."
If we get a good-looking new woman at my job, within days every guy in the place can tell you her life story, but none of them have actually asked her out. And the big talking married guys wouldn't have had the guts to ask when they were single, either.
When I was single, I fancied myself something of a ladies' man. I was scrawny, poor, badly dressed and average looking at best. I was not a star athlete and I didn't have a great car. All I had going for me was the sort of arty/intellectual image I'm still trying to cultivate, a relentless enthusiasm for the pursuit of women, and a fairly thick skin when it came to rejection. And still, I did pretty well. Most guys, though, hate rejection so much that they let it get in the way of their relentless enthusiasm.
I could give plenty of advice to single guys about the pursuit of women, and some of it might actually be good advice, but none of it will do a bit of good until they can get past that fear of rejection. Pickup lines are for losers, but there is such a thing as having game, and you can learn game. Using it takes more guts, though, so most guys either resort to a stupid line or don't even bother trying.
Single guy's mode of transportation. I once owned a bike like this.
Married guy's. Sadly, I have owned two of these.
There are about a thousand things I can think of that I took for granted when I was single, like waking up whenever I felt like it on days off, keeping the place only as clean as I deemed necessary, watching whatever I wanted on television, and eating without tableware. But I have to be honest: I love being married. I know it's because I married one of the good ones, but I really am happy. I look around at the beautiful home she has made for us, and the kids, and I'm proud. I think about the future we have together and I'm looking forward to it. Yeah, I know it sounds corny, but I don't give a Shakespeare. The truth is that I wouldn't trade the life I have now for the freedoms of single life.
I would like my motorcycle back, though.
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