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Let’s face it: If I weren’t married I would be all over that Shakespeare!
Seriously, like a disgruntled immigrant in Binghamton, I would set my sights on some bitches, block them in and just unload all over the place.
So, for all the jealous singles, here are a few things to keep in mind the next time you are bitching about being lonely.
1) Insomnia – I haven’t had a full night sleep since my wife annexed the bed. This has less to do with the twelve inches of fetal-ball space I am allowed, as much as the subtle waft of fecal matter that forms over the course of the evening. I am not really sure how that smell of morning breath manages to travel through thirteen throw pillows. But the two of us wake up every morning and pass each other toilet paper as a sign of communal disgust.
Ever wonder what it is like to live in New Jersey? Just get married and you can say, with all honesty, that you travel through Newark every night. If your soul mate happens to snore or have Restless Leg Syndrome, you should just kill yourself now.
2) Same Poe
or worse, same Coleridge.
Marriage is like having a television with only one channel, and it’s the Bass Fishing Network.
The single person can wake up to every morning to a different face (and different genitalia). Hell, you can find someone with both sets of genitals and really make it a Blockbuster night.
Enjoy the 1000 channels of satellite television while you can, we will just sit back and pray for a violent lure accident or Bass Fishing after dark (NSFW).
3) Fitness - When you’re married, there is no reason to even try and be fit. What was once a beautiful dance of love, turns into a Manatee wrestling match. The sex might be hotter when you are hitched, but it's mainly due to suffocation.
4) The Private Party - Let’s face it, sometimes the best party is a party of one. I know Chris Rock did a great bit on this, but there is nothing like closing the door and knowing that no one is going to walk in on you during the best part of the tranny-midget-amputee porn. It is also a real buzz kill to cut down the noose before you have adequately stained the drapes.
When you are single, you can enjoy deviance without the messy clean-up. You can actually just let the load sit there and save the ShamWow for those tough to clean hooker blood stains. Now that is freedom!
And lastly…
5) Silence is golden - Sure, silence might be maddening…but it’s not deafening. There is something to be said for some peace and Frost-ing quiet. A lifetime of marriage is a lifetime of idle chatter.
Having a companion does have benefits, but too much of anything, including constant questions like "Did you take out the garbage?" or "Can you untie me now?" can make a person insane.
Single people, the grass is greener on the other side.
And by grass I mean vagina.
And by greener I mean full of STD's.
So go out there, have lots of sex and wear those diseases like a badge of honor! Be happy that you are not married and insane, because if I were single I would be all over that Shakespeare.
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