Big 3 Reasons Why the DiggBar is Destroying Our Planet
A comedy article
by John Hargrave  128,751  73
04/20/2009 02:46 PM 489 views
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Digg recently released its DiggBar, which (according to the company) gives you an easy way to browse sites without leaving Digg, but which (according to millions of rabid Digg users) is so evil that it is destroying the planet. Why is the DiggBar so bad? We took a look at some of their arguments -- from "DiggBar is boiling the planet" to "DiggBar causes cancer" -- then called various experts to see if there's any truth to their complaints.
DiggBar, As Explained by Bloggers (click to enlarge)
REASON #1: DiggBar is responsible for global warming. The argument: all the complaining and exaggerated sighs by frustrated Digg users is contributing to heightened CO2 levels across the planet, thus increasing the average temperature of the Earth via the greenhouse effect. A more serious side effect, they claim, is an increase in the level of global smelliness, since the most fanatical Digg users do not brush their teeth.
To get to the bottom of this, I called the United States Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), which is responsible for the environmental policy of the United States. I spoke with a middle-aged man who apparently thought I was a prank caller from earlier in the day.
ZUG.COM: I have a quick question about global warming.
ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY: [Angrily] Have you been calling and hanging up on me?
ZUG: No.
EPA: Are you sure?
ZUG: I'm sure. Was someone calling and hanging up?
EPA: Yes, I'm sorry. You sounded like this guy who keeps calling and asking questions about wetlands, then hanging up.
ZUG: I'm sure people feel strongly about the issues they call you about.
EPA: Yes, but some of them don't have good phone manners. Sorry. What can I do for you?
ZUG: I heard the DiggBar is responsible for global warming.
EPA: [Pause] The which?
ZUG: The DiggBar. Not contributing to global warming, but fully responsible.
EPA: I'm not understanding the word you're using.
ZUG: Warming?
EPA: No, the ... PigBar?
ZUG: The DiggBar. It's a new feature of the popular news aggregation site Digg.
EPA: I'm not really familiar with that site.
ZUG: [Stunned] You ... are you serious? The DiggBar is probably the single most evil development in the history of humanity, with the possible exception of the Nazi motorcycle.
EPA: I'm not really familiar with it. How do you spell this site?
ZUG: D-I-G-G. The extra G is for Gravy.
EPA: So what you're saying is somebody was referring to global warming on this site?
ZUG: No, the Web site itself is causing global warming.
EPA: And how is that happening?
ZUG: High levels of carbon dioxide, caused by frustrated nerds exhaling a lot.
EPA: Well, there are lots of causes of global warming. CO2 is one of them, but severe heavy metal gases are another, like methane...
ZUG: Methane! Digg users produce a lot of methane.
EPA: Everyone produces methane.
ZUG: Right, but these guys produce, like, twenty or thirty times the normal amount.
EPA: Look, there are many factors that go into global warming. It's not just one thing.
ZUG: So you're saying that the link between the DiggBar and global warming is indirect at best?
EPA: Yes.
ZUG: Well, thanks for making the situation a whole lot more complicated than I thought.
EPA: Sorry, but it is complicated.
ZUG: And WETLANDS RULE, BEEYOTCH! [Hangs up]
Cross-section of cancerous testicle. Note DiggBar lodged in scrotum.
REASON #2: DiggBar is responsible for cancer of the balls. The argument goes that many Digg users have boycotted the site, turning instead to their other hobby: chronic and excessive masturbation. Many are pleasuring themselves in dangerous ways, like with vacuum cleaners, or gas-powered demolition hammers, which is leading to injury of one or both testicles. The weakened defense system of the damaged testicle eventually leads to ball cancer.
Tom Green was reportedly a beta tester for the DiggBar.
To find out whether the DiggBar is really causing nutrot, I called the American Medical Association, who I figured should be able to clarify this kind of thing. I spoke with a terse middle-aged "support" representative.
AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION: Thank you for calling the AMA, can I help you?
ZUG.COM: Is it true that the DiggBar is responsible for testicular cancer?
AMA: I'm sorry -- what type of cancer?
ZUG: Testicular. Testicles. Testes. Nuts. I read that the AMA might have a position on this.
AMA: Are you a physician?
ZUG: Not legally.
AMA: Okay, the AMA is a member-only service for physicians. What I highly recommend, for any position that the AMA puts out, is that that you research it on the AMA's Web site.
ZUG: I can't use a computer. I lost my fingers in a food processor.
AMA: Is there anything else I can help you with?
ZUG: Yes, answering my question: does the DiggBar cause cancer of the balls?
AMA: The AMA does not take any position on medical issues; it is a membership organization for physicians.
ZUG: Maybe you should consider taking the "Medical" out of your name, then.
AMA: Okay, and is there anything else?
ZUG: You should call yourself "American Physicians Club." Maybe build a treehouse with a big flag reading, "NO PATIENTS ALLOWED."
AMA: I'm going to end this call now, sir. How satisfied were you with your service today?
ZUG: Very dissatisfied! You still haven't answered the question!
AMA: What is your question?
ZUG: Was Lance Armstrong exposed to the DiggBar before he lost one of his man marbles?
AMA: [Hangs up]
REASON #3: DiggBar is responsible for the extinction of the slow loris. These impossibly cute creatures are being slaughtered throughout Asia -- less than a million remain. Why? They are used in traditional medicine, where they are treasured for their large doe-eyes, used to make love potions.
The argument goes that Cambodian Digg users have given up on the site entirely because of the DiggBar. Because masturbation is illegal in Cambodia, these Digg users are forced to examine their lives, whereupon they realize they need girlfriends. They go to their local folk healer to get a love potion, which leads to the cold-blooded murder of the slow loris!
Cosmic irony: the slow loris may be biologically related to Kevin Rose.
I'll admit this seems like a stretch, so I researched this claim by calling America's foremost experts on the slow loris: the Lemur Center at Duke University, where I spoke with a knowledgeable lemur expert named Alan.
ZUG.COM: I have a quick question about the slow loris.
DUKE UNIVERSITY LEMUR CENTER: Sure, I'll try to answer it for you.
ZUG: Is there a cuter animal on Earth, or is this as cute as they come?
DULC: I suppose that's subjective, but personally yeah, I think they're pretty much the cutest.
ZUG: What's causing their extinction?
DULC: The primary cause for all the strepsirrhine primates is habitat loss -- clear cutting of the forest, slash and burn type clearing, whatever else they're doing to the forest. There may be mining as well. Slow lorises are also in the unique position of being nearly wiped out by the destruction and chemical agents of the Vietnam War.
ZUG: Really? I heard the DiggBar is responsible for their extinction.
DULC: That ... I don't know, it very well could be.
ZUG: So the cutest animal on earth is being killed off by the DiggBar?
DULC: The what?
ZUG: The new browser extension of the popular news site Digg.com.
DULC: Ah ... no, I haven't heard anything about that.
ZUG: Why do they call them slow? Shouldn't they be called "special needs"?
DULC: It's kind of a misnomer; lorises in general are slow. When hunted by a predator, they rely on freezing and camouflaging themselves, rather than moving quickly.
ZUG: Can you get one as a pet?
DULC: Great question. You can. State law varies, but there are sources if you're really interested.
ZUG: Oh, I am. What do they taste like?
DULC: [Long pause] I really have no idea.
ZUG: Damn.
CONCLUSION: I found no correlation between the DiggBar and these pressing world problems. In my next report, however, I will investigate some of these additional DiggBar complaints:
* DiggBar is responsible for the spread of Malaria in developing nations.
* DiggBar is responsible for use of the term "developing nations" when really we mean "third-world countries."
* DiggBar is responsible for the clubbing of Canadian baby harp seals for their rare and valuable pelts.
* DiggBar is responsible for the Iraq War.
* DiggBar was responsible for the Spanish-American War.
* DiggBar is responsible for chocolate not tasting as good as it did when you were a kid.
* DiggBar is responsible for the career of David Blaine.
* DiggBar is responsible for 93% of humanity's pain and suffering (the other 7% is Digg itself).
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
11 votes
4.5
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Also Recommended on ZUG:
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0 votes
0.0
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Jeenanimator 47,799  51
04/20/2009 03:32 PM
First to post digg!
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0 votes
0.0
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Alfred, the Eater of Cats 51 6
04/20/2009 05:13 PM
Crap, I got a measly second post!
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Thatsgreat2345 30 5
04/20/2009 06:41 PM
This would mean a lot more if the diggbar hadn't paid off those people you called.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Analog 9,608 19
04/20/2009 07:06 PM
Forget hurting the planet - it makes my browser load slower - it's evil!!!!
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
04/20/2009 08:28 PM
John has anyone ever called you Thundermug(John)Funnysign(Hargrave)?
Your article made me laugh several times. Thanks!
yes I fived you
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
04/20/2009 10:15 PM
I'm too old to read all that in one sitting, but you young folks: you should read that and take heed.
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Funny
4 votes
3.5
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John Hargrave 128,751 73
04/21/2009 04:49 AM
Thanks for the two Diggs, everyone.
About 10,000 less than I was expecting, but really, thank you. You're too kind. Both of you.
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.0
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Spicey McHaggis 117,784 37
04/21/2009 06:08 AM
I would digg this, but I don't want to contribute to the planetary destruction.
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0 votes
0.0
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Thatsgreat2345 30 5
04/21/2009 12:13 PM
I care about the planet, so I don't have the diggbar installed so how would I digg this, it is impossible.
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0 votes
0.0
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yekejem 0 4
04/22/2009 09:01 AM
ZUG: Is there a cuter animal on Earth, or is this as cute as they come?
DULC: I suppose that's subjective, but personally yeah, I think they're pretty much the cutest.
I would have loved to leave a funny comment, but I am still trying to get up off of the floor where I have been laughing hysterically.
Oh and I think that I split one of the stitches my dentist put in my mouth yesterday while laughing...(hurts)
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0 votes
0.0
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John Hargrave 128,751 73
04/23/2009 03:02 PM
Wow, twelve Diggs!
Six times the amount from earlier this week!
I'm rich!
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0 votes
0.0
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Juan Campos 1,173 5
04/23/2009 03:56 PM
I'm rich!
I had no idea there was this much money to be made on the internet!
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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WickedWedgieWoman- WHO?!? 15,741 12
04/24/2009 01:16 AM
I dont dig for comedy gold. I thought that was Hargrave's job?
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Chit 178,781 15
04/24/2009 01:37 AM
I dont dig for comedy gold. I thought that was Hargrave's job?
W3 ...Welcome back! You have been gone a long time!!
We have become Hargrave's job!
in these challenging economic times
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Chit 178,781 15
04/24/2009 01:40 AM
Wow, twelve Diggs!
Six times the amount from earlier this week!
We're Digging it just like you told us to.
When are they guys coming to install the hot tub again?
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1823562
Frogpop 173,153 25
04/24/2009 01:43 AM
Great question.
hahahahaha! Somebody get that guy a comedy website!
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0 votes
0.0
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Chit 178,781 15
04/24/2009 02:38 AM
I just found this on Digg as well. Maybe we still have time to save the planet.
Removing DiggBar From Your Website
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