Analog 9,608 19
04/24/2009 07:00 AM

throw the cow over the fence some hay

Fratberry 283,028 53
04/24/2009 07:21 AM

throw the cow over the fence some hay

KChiki needs a witty tagline... 128,396 98
04/24/2009 07:39 AM

I have a friend at work that sticks her foot in her mouth every day like clockwork. I'll have to post the latest when it occurs.

::checks watch::

Any time now.

TheVelveTurd 6,553 10
04/24/2009 07:50 AM

I once had a job working at Sears in the hardware department. Every Christmas we would get a ton of the most 'tarded questions from wives and girlfriends desperate to find that perfect gift for their impossible to shop for husbands/father/boyfriends. Well, Black and Decker had just come out with the Snake Light, so Craftsman followed suit with the Grip Light. The following is a conversation I had with a customer about the a fore mentioned craptactular gift ideas.

Customer, " So what is the difference between the Snake Light and the Grip Light?"
Me, " Well, they do essentially the same thing but the Griplight takes D batteries and has a removable head if you don't want to use the flexible neck."
Frosttard, "Well,....does it crawl around?"
Me, "..........." both in awe of and waiting for her to realize her own stupidity.
(For those of you that haven't seen it, there was a commercial for the Snake light that had a cute little stop motion musical number with the snake lights crawling around like....uh...snakes.)
Me, not able to hold my condescending tounge, " No Ma'am, it doesn't crawl around. I believe they did that in the commercial just for effect." Amazingly, she didn't seemed phased by my reply, she just accepted my expert advise and bought the stupid thing. What a lucky husband she has.

The Rev. Big Irish Guy, Jr. 203,956 21
04/24/2009 11:18 AM

"Could you guys come up with a tagline for me?"

The Rev. Big Irish Guy, Jr. 203,956 21
04/24/2009 11:26 AM

Now with a link.

A nice frothy mug of Undies 101,398 77
04/24/2009 12:07 PM

Jade! You're a mug too? I feel so much better about this.

Gonzo 20,522 17
04/24/2009 12:14 PM

"I, George W. Bush do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States..." etc. etc.

Test Tube Baby 828 5
04/24/2009 12:26 PM

Somebody I worked with would say "I'm going to go empty my bladder"

The Mailman 176,464 56
04/24/2009 12:41 PM

It amuses me when the waiter in a restaurant sees me entering the place and asks me, "For dinner?" I feel like replying, "Uh, no, we came here to play bowling. Do you have any alleys available?"

And on the other hand, I find it silly when a customer in a restaurant asks, "Is your fish fresh?" Do they expect the waiter to reply, "Nah, it smells so much that the cooks wear oxygen masks in the kitchen. Actually it would really help if you ordered it tonight."

Mothcleaner 4,106 10
04/24/2009 01:30 PM

Now, I'm guessing she meant battery farmed as opposed to battery operated, but there was something funny about the idea of a battery operated chicken.

SHE KNEW WHAT SHE WANTED!

Phuc 237,919 21
04/24/2009 01:44 PM

"Have a bless day!"

Frost you and the God you rode in on.

Dougie 59 5
04/24/2009 02:31 PM

Was playing hockey today (field hockey to you folks across the pond), when a mate of mine fell awkwardly.

He was screaming, quite clearly in pain, turned out he had broken his ankle pretty badly (that's not the punch line by the way for all you masochists out there.)

A team-mate, not me I hasten to add, who is a few trees short of a forest, rushes up to him and says:

"Are you OK?"

Some of you may question what's so bad about this. Think about it for a second. What do you REALLY think the answer's gonna be? Do you ACTUALLY think he's going to just pop right back up again, thank the lad for his kindness, and stroll off into the sunset?

TheVelveTurd 6,553 10
04/24/2009 02:37 PM

I once knew a girl that worked at a pet store. I would often visit to play with the puppies. The baby dogs they had there were fun to play with too. At one time they had Rottweiler puppies there. One of the guys that worked there put a little addition to the sign that read.
" Rottweiler (Not "Rock"weiler) puppies 750.00 " He had gotten into several arguments with rednecks that came in referring to them as Rockweilers. The sign caused so many problems that the manager eventually yielded to the stupidity of the local populous and had him remove it.

Bill da Squirrel 53,270 54
04/24/2009 02:48 PM

A team-mate, not me I hasten to add, who is a few trees short of a forest, rushes up to him and says:

"Are you OK?"

Some of you may question what's so bad about this. Think about it for a second. What do you REALLY think the answer's gonna be? Do you ACTUALLY think he's going to just pop right back up again, thank the lad for his kindness, and stroll off into the sunset?


So, are you saying we are to stupid to figure out the gist of your post? Because, it was amusing before you questioned our collective intelligence. Now it is lame, not unlike it's author.

Strangely Cromulent Bikini 62,262 18
04/25/2009 09:02 AM

I recently went on tour to Italy with my Ultimate Frisbee team (yes, it is a real sport). Coincidentally, the person I'm currently dating also plays Ultimate and we shared a room for the week. One afternoon, we came back from the beach with some other teammates, one of whom was my lovely & innocent friend Mike. He constantly is surprising us with the depths of his innocence. It really should be impossible at his age. He honestly is just like a little puppy, always so naive, always so excited, always just on the verge of weeing all over the rug. Anyway, Mike & the other guys went into their room, while we went into ours to "relax."

Six minutesAn hour or so later, we went next door to their room and Mike, bless his little heart, asks us with all the sincerity in the world "So, what have you guys been up to?"



I still don't think he got it, even when the rest of us all burst out laughing. Bless!

Dougie 59 5
04/25/2009 10:56 AM

So, are you saying we are to stupid to figure out the gist of your post? Because, it was amusing before you questioned our collective intelligence. Now it is lame, not unlike it's author.

Woah take a chill pill! I wasn't implying that you're all thick, it's just that 'Are you Ok?' seems to be so common in society nowadays, that some people never actually stop to question it. Happy?

Pubah 56,820 18
04/25/2009 11:45 AM

while Begging...uh...panhandling...uh practicing my enteprenureship on America's street corners...
I'm sometimes struck with these words of wisdom:
"My time is too valuable to give it to no good bums."
But your time is not so valuable that you use it to telln no good bums you don't have time for them?

Pubah 56,820 18
04/25/2009 11:48 AM

While standing, shovel in hand, four foot deep in a 6 foot by 4 foot hole at a cemetary, someone walks up to me and says, "What cha doin?"

And people call me stupid because I sometimes forget the rules of punctuation...

Wino Willie McManus 186,130 44
04/25/2009 06:39 PM

Am I the only one for whom the thought of SCB having Italian hotel sex was the high point of the day?

Pram eats cholit bunnies ASS FIRST! 80,728 42
04/26/2009 10:31 AM

"the girls at the house want some near-beer because they don't drink liquor".

(we don't carry either)

"how much for this forty?"
(holding up a 32 ouncer)

"If I make my underage friend go outside, can I buy the beer?"

(yeah, because state laws don't exist outside of the store because it is a different dimension where common sense doesn't exist either-especially AFTER they go outside).

"I know it's not legal to buy alcohol after 2:30, but can we buy it illegally?"

Pram eats cholit bunnies ASS FIRST! 80,728 42
04/26/2009 10:33 AM

The baby dogs

THEY'RE CALLED PUPPIES.

Pram eats cholit bunnies ASS FIRST! 80,728 42
04/26/2009 10:36 AM

I would often visit to play with the puppies.

Oh.

At one time they had Rottweiler puppies there

that'll do.

" Rottweiler (Not "Rock"weiler) puppies

son of a bitch.

TheVelveTurd 6,553 10
04/26/2009 11:11 AM

The baby dogs

THEY'RE CALLED PUPPIES.


Pram, Since you are humor impaired I will explain. The first puppies I referred too were the girl who worked at the Pet Store's tits. Get it, then I referred to the baby dogs so you would get the joke. " I would often stop by to play with the(Girl's firm perky) puppies. The baby dogs were fun too." GET IT!!??? Sheesh..

Bill da Squirrel 53,270 54 throws up a little in his mouth sticking up for Pram's post
04/26/2009 11:17 AM

Turd boy, if you have to explain it, it wasn't funny. If at any other time in my life I had heard someone refer to a womans breasts as puppies, maybe I would have understood.

TheVelveTurd 6,553 10
04/26/2009 11:23 AM

Must be an east coast/ west coast thing. I've heard them called puppies many times. " Let them puppies breathe!" Is a SUYT equivalent around these parts. The only reason I explained it was because Pram was trying to correct my word usage when it was like that for a purpose. I wasn't trying to explain it to make it funny, otherwise I would have done that in the original post, ya retard.

Pram eats cholit bunnies ASS FIRST! 80,728 42
04/26/2009 12:03 PM

I would often stop by to play with the(Girl's firm perky) puppies. The baby dogs were fun too."

so you fondled the baby dogs too? SICK!

TheVelveTurd 6,553 10
04/26/2009 12:06 PM

No fondling, just heavy petting.

Bill da Squirrel 53,270 54
04/26/2009 01:28 PM

So, what you're saying is, everyone else on the site got that reference?

On a lighter note......Heavy petting, Nice!

Bean 8,602 19
04/26/2009 05:44 PM

Me.

The other day I found myself telling my 4 year old girl, "honey, beating it doesn't make it grow."

(she was holding a cup with the little seed in it that they planted at school, and it wasn't sprouting yet so she was banging it against the window sill)

TheVelveTurd 6,553 10
04/26/2009 09:46 PM

Heavy petting, Nice!

I would 5 orb you for the props, but I don't believe in clicking compliments although I do enjoy getting them. I mean if you were ranked like 50th then whatever, but every time I click you it makes it more difficult to pass you in the rankings, and I'm getting close you squirrely bastard. I'm in a moral quandary every time you say something genuinely funny, which hopefully you've used up your copy of Humor for Dummies. You could always create a "Ask the Squirrel." thread or how about another Ode to somebody, or oohhh a capcon. You could use that picture of you before the operation.. Hilarious!!!.. anyway ...uh..thanks for the compliment dude.

Jeenanimator 47,799 51
04/26/2009 10:09 PM

My uncle says "Let's see if we can't get this to work." which makes me chuckle every time I hear it.