Prank Phone Call to Kashi
A comedy article
by John Hargrave | 04/29/2009 12:17 PM | 120 views
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I recently bought some of these party crackers from KaShakespearehe whole grain health food company. Well, "recently" might be the wrong word, as I discovered when I made the following call to Kashi.
I spoke with an incredibly patient young woman at their customer service center who tried to help me as I played my "dumb guy" character. (I actually did try to serve the crackers to guests, so you may wonder if the dumb guy is a "character.")
KASHI: Thank you for calling Kashi, my name is Joanna, can I help you?
JOHN HARGRAVE: I have a big problem. I had some business colleagues over to my house, and I broke out a package of your TLC party crackers.
KASHI: Mmm-hmm.
JH: One of them bit into the cracker, and then said politely, "This cracker has a chemical taste to it." So I took one out of the package, and I bit into it, and it was the single worst food I have ever tasted. And that's saying a lot. I went to Asia once, and I ate some weird things. Porcupine, skunk, all kinds of stuff. Sea otters, earthworms. A live aardvark. Your cracker tasted worse than any of those, like someone had coated it with a protective chemical.
KASHI: Definitely not, there's absolutely no chemicals used in our products. What kind of cracker is this?
JH: TLC 7-Grain Party Cracker. What kind of party would you serve this at, unless you hated everyone there?
KASHI: I'm terribly sorry about this, but in any case we definitely don't use any chemicals. Now, do you still have the package and can you tell me the "Better If Used Before" date on that?
JH: Yeah, one second. [Deep sigh] I was burping up your cracker all day, and it was like this rancid polymer compound.
KASHI: It was like a rancid taste, then?
JH: Yes. It couldn't have been rancid, though, because I'm looking at the expiration date, and it's March 3008.
KASHI: [Pause] And that was March 30, 2008?
JH: No, March 3008.
KASHI: Okay, that's March 30, 2008.
JH: That's not what I see. I see MAR3008.
KASHI: That's correct. It's the month, then the day, then the year. Which means the crackers are actually expired, and the reason they taste like that is because the oil has probably separated which gives it a really bad, stale taste.
JH: [Long pause] How was I supposed to know this? I thought they were good for a thousand years.
KASHI: No, they've actually been expired for over a year.
JH: [Huge sigh] That is just not clear.
KASHI: I apologize if it wasn't clear -- but in any case, I can replace the product for you.
JH: I thought you just made these things to last, maybe until a future race could enjoy them.
KASHI: I apologize that it didn't taste fresh, but like I said it was over a year expired.
JH: Are you sure there's no chemicals? What does the TLC stand for?
KASHI: "Tasty Little Cracker."
JH: WHAT?!?
KASHI: Mmm-hmm.
JH: Is that a joke?
KASHI: They are normally really good, flavorful crackers.
JH: That wasn't my experience.
KASHI: Well, we don't recommend that you eat them a year after the expiration date.
JH: [Long, deep sigh] This is the last time I buy my food from that guy.
KASHI: What store did you purchase the product from?
JH: Well, it's not a "store." It's this man, he sells food out of his pickup truck.
KASHI: More than likely, he's selling the product because it's expired.
JH: I'm definitely not going to eat that yogurt I bought from him now.
KASHI: I can send you out a coupon so you can purchase the product again, if you like.
JH: What should I do with this box? Should I incinerate it?
KASHI: You can just throw it away.
JH: Is that safe? Do I need a hazmat suit?
KASHI: No, it's safe.
JH: I'm just saying, if I'm disposing volatile chemicals, I want to make sure...
KASHI: There are no chemicals. It's an all-natural seven-grain cracker.
JH: Okay, I'm going to throw it in the trash can now. Hold on ... FOOM! AHHHH! MY EYE! THE TLC CRACKERS ASSPLODED! THEY ASSPLODED ON MY EYE! [Hang up]
Inside the Kashi nerve center, I'll bet they have a name for people like me: "Terrible Little Customers."
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
14 votes
3.7
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Phuc
04/29/2009 12:52 PM
Hippies never think about the future.
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0 votes
0.0
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Jeeni Beanie
04/29/2009 01:14 PM
JH: No, March 3008.
Awesome.
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Hilarious
6 votes
4.0
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Professor Nutbutter
04/29/2009 01:40 PM
My wife buys those things and even inside the expiration date they still taste they're made out of twine and pot seeds.
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy, Jr.
04/29/2009 01:50 PM
Dear John,
Get a real job. You were funnier when you weren't trying so hard.
Hugs,
BIG
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0 votes
0.0
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Anh is here.
04/29/2009 03:15 PM
My favorite part was: "Is that a joke?"
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Funny
5 votes
3.4
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Ditdah
04/29/2009 04:19 PM
Note to self: If I ever get invited to John's house, don't eat anything.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Shell Belle
04/29/2009 04:22 PM
A lot of their stuff is called "Go Lean" for a reason. You'd rather starve than have to eat it.
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Funny
6 votes
3.7
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TheVelveTurd
04/29/2009 04:25 PM
I like their cereal, Bi-racial Lesbian Couple Crunch.
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0 votes
0.0
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Thud
04/29/2009 05:40 PM
JH: No, March 3008.
Awesome.
This.
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Funny
5 votes
3.8
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The Mailman
04/29/2009 07:05 PM
Dear BIG,
You were funnier when you had more to contribute to ZUG than just your whines about how much better it was in the old days.
Hugs,
Mailman.-
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0 votes
0.0
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Gonzo
04/30/2009 01:12 PM
it was the single worst food I have ever tasted. And that's saying a lot.
I love it when you throw an inside joke in there.
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Side-splitting
2 votes
5.0
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Wino Willie McManus
04/30/2009 02:13 PM
I thought you just made these things to last, maybe until a future race could enjoy them.
That's the second funniest thing I've read today.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Wino Willie McManus
04/30/2009 02:14 PM
Ditdah
04/29/2009 04:19 PM Note to self: If I ever get invited to John's house...
And that's the first.
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0 votes
0.0
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Kimbomommy
05/05/2009 02:21 PM
Thanks for another great prank John!!
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0 votes
0.0
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TomServo
05/08/2009 06:09 AM
Kashi : Well, we don't recommend that you eat them a year after the expiration date.
This person deserves a medal!
Maybe you should use your free coupon to buy her a box of crackers.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Gonzo
05/08/2009 07:36 AM
A lot of their stuff is called "Go Lean" for a reason. You'd rather starve than have to eat it.
Actually, the cereals Go Lean and Go Lean Crunch are pretty tasty. I think what they are referring to is that you need to Go Lean on the railing of the patio, away from all other humans, for the 7 hours following eating a bowl, because the fiber content (roughtly equal to that of eating one of those wicker samurai-armor-suits) makes (me, at least) produce an unending stream of GI airbiscuits... usually odorless, but constant, and unstoppable.
Wait. Why am I sharing this again?
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0 votes
0.0
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mobiledeb
05/08/2009 09:13 AM
Not your best work but not to bad.
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0 votes
0.0
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Pistol Slap
05/08/2009 11:47 AM
JH: [Long pause] How was I supposed to know this? I thought they were good for a thousand years.
KASHI: No, they've actually been expired for over a year.
JH: [Huge sigh] That is just not clear.
Lol...
What does tlc stand for? Tasty Little Cracker.
What?! Is that a joke? I thought it stood for Totally Loaded with Chemicals! I'm dying here!
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