Everyone knows it's easy to order drugs over the Internet. My question was: how easy? Inspired by ZUG's original Viagra Prank, I recently tried to order Viagra online for my six-month old baby.
"It gives me shiverws"
I tried ordering from Internet pharmacies located in Canada, India, and Switzerland. I was very clear that I was ordering for a baby, even calling their offshore "support centers," which aren't exactly staffed with licensed physicians -- or people who can even spell "physicians."
After a few days, I received a notice on my doorstep that my baby's Viagra had arrived. I have to admit, when ZUG hired me to write this piece, I never thought it was going to work. So I wasn't surprised when I arrived at the post office to be handed not a pill bottle or tamper-proof container, but a flat envelope.
But the customs slip indicated that it had indeed come from India.
I opened the envelope to find a package sealed under the strictest of laboratory conditions.
Roughly taped to the inside of the paper packet was a packet of my generic Viagra pills, which they sent me without a prescription, medical history, or consultation -- along with my "bonus" Cialis, which they threw in just for being a good customer.
I couldn't believe I had just purchased these drugs legally, without a prescription or any kind of authorization, giving them only a credit card and street address. When you buy street drugs, they come packaged pretty much like this, except you can't use MASTERCARD and the U.S. POSTAL SERVICE to buy them. This is complete bullShakespeare.
The fact that I told them this Viagra was for a six-month old baby was the extra dollop of bullShakespeare on this massive bullShakespeare pudding sundae. Angrily, I called the Internet "pharmacy" who sold me the pills. I got a confused Indian support guy who tried desperately to understand what I was saying.
INTERNET PHARMACY: May I help you?
ZUG.COM: Big big problem! I ordered some of your Viagra and I gave it to my baby. And now she's growing an extra finger! It's a lump on the side of her leg, and it looks exactly like a little baby finger.
IP: You said Wiagra for your baby, sir?
ZUG: Yes, and now she's growing an 11th finger. What the hell is she going to do with a finger on her knee? She can't exactly use it to play the tuba!
IP: I'm extremely sorry about this sir, but the Wiagra is not for the baby sir. It is only for the sexual health, only.
ZUG: What am I going to do, sell her to the circus?
IP: Oh, no sir. We know that Wiagra is only good for men, for sexual health.
ZUG: What if she wants to join track club? That extra finger is going to be flopping around like a ... like ... oh my God. I hope it's not a penis! THERE BETTER NOT BE A PENIS GROWING ON MY DAUGHTER'S LEG!
IP: No sir, I can assure you, none of the customer support guys told you that is safe. Because I can tell you, we are selling Wiagra for more than 10 years, and we are just giving to the men only, sir.
ZUG: Hang on ... Oh my God. Hennessey? Hennessey!? Oh God. She's unconscious. SHE'S UNCONSCIOUS!!! I just gave her another dose of the Viagra just a few minutes ago. HENNESSEY!!
IP: Yes?
ZUG: What do I do?! WHAT DO I DO!?!?
IP: [Click]
mother-Froster hung up on me. This was the final straw: I called them back immediately and got the customer service manager this time.
Not actually doctors, but just as unhelpful as doctors.
IP: Thank you for calling customer support, may I help you?
ZUG: WHAT DO I DO!? SHE'S UNCONSCIOUS!!! AND SHE'S GOT A PENIS GROWING ON HER LEG!
IP: You should call 911 then, sir!
ZUG: THAT'S THE BEST YOU CAN DO FOR ME!?
IP: Do you know that Viagra should not be taken by a child?
ZUG: YOU TOLD ME IT WAS SAFE!
IP: [Angrily] Sir, here's what we do! Now, you order online, we get the payment, we ship the order successfully, you get the parcel and sign for it. Now it's YOUR job to keep the pills in a secure place, sir.
ZUG: Wouldn't it be YOUR job to dispense pharmaceuticals in a responsible manner with proper medical prescriptions?!
IP: [Pause] Sir, the shipping department is packing the parcels the way they always did. Once the parcel is delivered to you, you sign for it, and our job is done.
ZUG: I don't think you answered the question! The question is: shouldn't you be dispensing pharmaceuticals in a responsible way?
IP: [Long pause] Well, it is in a responsible way. We're packing the boxes in a responsible way.
ZUG: The issue is not whether the package was taped correctly, it's whether the package was shipped with a proper medical review!
IP: [Very long pause] Okay sir, I don't know what you're talking about. I think you should call 911 first, OK? Take your daughter to the hospital, calm yourself down, then call us back.
ZUG: Hey! Wait. Hang on. Hennessey? [Baby crying in background] Hennessey!! Guess what!? She's awake! She's alive again! [Baby continuing to cry]
IP: Sir, I am going to end this call right now. You need to call 911.
ZUG: It's all right. It's all good. I'm just going to give her another couple of tablets and put her back down.
IP: Another couple of tablets?!
ZUG: Yeah. I think they help her doze.
IP: Why are you feeding her tablets? Do you know what you are doing? You are killing your child, sir.
ZUG: She's fine. Listen. [Baby cooing and gurgling]
IP: You should call 911, sir. Good day. [Click]
Then they hung up on me a second time. But really, the joke was on him: I don't even have a daughter.
But if I do ever have a daughter, I'll tell you one thing: I'm not going to let her buy drugs online. Too many weirdos.
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