• Bill the Squirrel
• Getting phonecalls in the middle of the morning from strangers
• Being kicked in the spleen
• Having panic attacks in my sleep
• Bill the Squirrel
• Not owning a pony
• When Chance doesn't reply fast enough on Twitter
• Being invaded once a week by a Philipino woman who claims to be a "doctor"
• The idea of pushing a bowling ball through a key hole
• Bill the Squirrel

Anh is here. 10,502 8
05/02/2009 06:49 PM

Asbestos.

MungChamp 22,625 16
05/02/2009 06:52 PM

Redundancy

Analog 2,801 6
05/02/2009 07:15 PM

The thought of ever developing smegma

Lobster is Laying a Egg! 9,797 9
05/02/2009 07:18 PM

The thought of ever developing smegma


Eww.

A nice frothy mug of Undies 72,856 16
05/02/2009 08:01 PM

Something small poking my leg in the middle of the night.

Bill the Squirrel 25,508 8
05/02/2009 08:05 PM

The fact that I've havn't got into Lobsters head enough for her to mention me more than three time.

Shell Belle 31,385 9
05/02/2009 08:21 PM

I went to Target yesterday, and saw a pair of twins walking side by side, dressed in identical clothes. Usually I find that sort of thing cute, but not when it's two old ladies that looked to be about eighty.

It bothered me. It was creepy.

Bill the Squirrel 25,508 8
05/02/2009 08:35 PM

Another thing that bothers me, the smell when you leave the dead hooker in the trunk too long. Even Fabreeze doesn't take it out.

Bill the Squirrel 25,508 8
05/02/2009 08:37 PM

And, redundancy

Brubert 392 5
05/02/2009 08:46 PM

People who blame the fork when the fork falls off the plate into the cat food.

The Mailman 130,735 14
05/02/2009 11:04 PM

People who can't make a post on the Internet without mentioning their pregnancy.

Lobster is Laying a Egg! 9,797 9
05/02/2009 11:06 PM

French Canadians

Test Tube Baby 816 3
05/02/2009 11:14 PM

When I catch crappie that aren't keepers.

The Mailman 130,735 14
05/03/2009 02:52 AM

People who think I'm a French Canadian.

Dougie 54 1
05/03/2009 03:36 AM

When I was at the ATM the other day, and ended up getting quesitoned by the police for pushing over an old lady who had asked me to check her balance.

Wino Willie McManus 141,586 23
05/03/2009 04:11 AM

Unmarried pregnant sluts walking around all proud of themselves like they achieved something special by pointing their heels at the ceiling for every slob who walked past.


I'm pretty easy-going. Nothing really bothers me much.

Sippin Straw 59,645 11
05/03/2009 06:24 AM

I'm pretty sure my obstetrician was Filipino. But it was a man. Not sure if that makes it better or worse.

Honestly, I was more concerned about the nurse that kept wanting to stick her fingers with the three inch nails up my hoo ha.

Closet Friend 3,984 5
05/03/2009 08:50 AM

A key hole? If that's what your "doctor" told you, then you've clearly been letting her invade the wrong opening...

Closet Friend 3,984 5 then thinks of something bothersome...
05/03/2009 08:54 AM

An episiotomy!

Chit 163,898 10
05/03/2009 09:19 AM

I just watched a WHOLE commercial with Jamie Lee Curtis...and she didn't even take off her top!?!

WTF??


And what the hell is bifidus regularis?

Chit 163,898 10
05/03/2009 09:34 AM

Why didn't she just show her tits?

I'd buy the yoghurt if she just showed her tits!

BuddhaGreens 0 1
05/03/2009 01:44 PM

Small animals that believe they reign superior over me.

Wino Willie McManus 141,586 23
05/03/2009 02:38 PM

Chit, I'm going to wager that you'd be happier if you went and got some DVD's of Jamie Lee Curtis movies from the '80's than if you somehow got her to take her top off this week.

Buy a copy of Trading Places. Jamie Lee Curtis' boobs were probably at their peak of perfection then.

uh, NSFW.
>O>

Pubah 47,449 11
05/03/2009 06:18 PM

-Crappie that nibble but never really bite...

Crappie, the best tasting fish EVER!

-Dust particles that drift up my nose and tickle my brain
alergies in general

-People that feel they have to zoom past you to get to a red light.
bad drivers in general

-Women who depend on you for everything EXCEPT sex

-People who try to monopolize entire weekend

-When GabLive goes down and dosen't swallow

TheVelveTurd 4,931 3
05/03/2009 07:25 PM

Long lines at Starbucks and fat butts at Wal-Mart.

Drivers on cel phones and Smores flavored Pop Tarts.

Wives that will bitch about every thing.

These are a few of my most hated things.


Bills that need paying and snot covered babies.

A yard that needs mowing and neighbors from Hades.

Every time when I pee and it stings.

These are a few of my most hated things.


When get laid, when I get paid, when I'm feeling great.

I simply remember my most hated things, I then I can feeeeeel the hate.

Ironbuttkickinsnork 44,997 8
05/03/2009 09:43 PM

People.

Test Tube Baby 816 3
05/03/2009 09:49 PM

Alright already I'll buy you a damn pony.

Just stop having the anxiety attacks.

The baby will be all colicky and I'll

be able to hear her scream all the way over here.

Tell that Philipino she better be good docta.

Dogs Akimbo 158,693 11
05/03/2009 09:55 PM

Strangely enough, this thread does not bother me.

Ditdah 115,023 10
05/03/2009 11:43 PM

Smores flavored Pop Tarts.

Ugh. That sounds thoroughly revolting. Why do we (Americans) feel the need to make a million types of artificially-flavored crap?

The original 4 types of artificially-flavored crap (Strawberry, Cherry, Blueberry, and Brown Sugar) were plenty for me.

Phuc 231,348 13
05/04/2009 12:57 AM

Chiggers.

Boozers.

Thank god that chiggers can't be boozers.

Wino Willie McManus 141,586 23
05/04/2009 04:27 AM

By Chiggers, do you mean the little insects or the Asian-Americans who favor hip hop style?

Thud 53,122 10
05/04/2009 04:29 AM

Whistler, I think those are normally called dipShakespeares.

Bill the Squirrel 25,508 8
05/04/2009 04:38 AM

Yeah, I hate it when dipShakespeares jump on me when I walk through the grass.

Shell Belle 31,385 9
05/04/2009 04:56 AM

It bothers me when someone ends an email with the phrase "Hit me up later." You want me to what now? Why is that preferable to simply asking someone to email you back?

I'll hit you up, yo. With a baseball bat.

Bill the Squirrel 25,508 8
05/04/2009 05:09 AM

What kind of people are you e-mailing with?

I have never once had someone say, Yo hit me up later. The Viagra people and Acai berry people who make up 99.97 percent of my e-mails never write that.

Chix is in da house 238,110 14
05/04/2009 05:11 AM

Getting an awesome paycheck and having to pay it all out in bills.

Lobster is Laying a Egg! 9,797 9
05/04/2009 06:14 AM

People mispronouncing my name. It's not like my name is Le-a or anything.

Juan Campos 1,151 3
05/04/2009 06:50 AM

People that have different skin color and religious views from me.

Lobster is Laying a Egg! 9,797 9
05/04/2009 07:01 AM

Silly Gentiles thinking that their preaching to me is going to buy me a ticket toheaven. I'm a Jew. I get in for free, bitches!

Thud 53,122 10
05/04/2009 07:08 AM

Devices that don't work properly.

Like, let me think... Windows machines.

Shell Belle 31,385 9
05/04/2009 07:14 AM

What kind of people are you e-mailing with?

I mostly get that from my nieces and nephews. Along with a lot of misspelled words. Like this:

"Aunt Shell, I see you tomarrow or Saterday. Hit me back later!"

I guess I shouldn't be surprised to see this. My brother and sister are both idiots. It doesn't seem to have skipped a generation.

Lobster is Laying a Egg! 9,797 9
05/04/2009 07:30 AM

The future of the general public. As I am a nationally recognized (no Shakespeare, I have the papers to prove it. Math only) jenius (misspelled on purpose, Jeeni will get the joke), I do not worry about my own spawn, but those of the less intellectually inclined.

Pubah 47,449 11
05/04/2009 07:33 AM

There's a seat on the short bus for all of us.

Cravin Moorhead 3,303 10
05/04/2009 07:52 AM

So Lobster is the ZUG Rainman?

What bothers me is "Tim and Eric" on Adult Swim.

Wino Willie McManus 141,586 23
05/04/2009 08:27 AM

Lobster, to paraphrase Forrest Gump, genius is as genius does. So far, you're failing to impress.

Butt Face Chicken McNugget 110 1
05/04/2009 09:43 AM

When someone at work walks over to ny desk to tell me that they just sent me an email.

When my 8 year old bests me at Rock Band drums. The little ingrate rat-face.

When I cut the back of my own leg with my own overgrown toenail.

TomServo 3,733 5
05/04/2009 02:00 PM

You know when you go to the dentist for a cleaning and they insist on performing the precautionary rectal exam.

That really bugs me... It's been 10 years now and I have never really understood the point to this.

Wino Willie McManus 141,586 23
05/04/2009 02:32 PM

When yet another noob shows up and gives themselves a name with "chicken" in it.

Lobster is Laying a Egg! 9,797 9
05/04/2009 04:03 PM

Lobster, to paraphrase Forrest Gump, genius is as genius does. So far, you're failing to impress


Jeebus, who pissed in your Cheerios?
I simply stated that I am a math genius. I never said I had common sense.

TheVelveTurd 4,931 3
05/04/2009 04:22 PM

Yo Shell, Hit me up later.

Ravos is the impostor 34,380 10
05/04/2009 05:17 PM

It bothers me when someone ends an email with the phrase "Hit me up later."

I think you misread the tagline on Lobster's emails. I think it is "Knock me up later". I assume it is "Later", because she is still waiting for the current spawn to errupt.

Jacques Strap 44 1
05/23/2009 07:54 PM

Bill da squirrel
Kidney stones
Stepping on nails
The fat people at Wal-Mart that plug up the isles with their enormous asses
People in general

Bill the Squirrel 25,508 8
05/23/2009 08:00 PM

Awwww, isn't that cute!

It's trying to jump on the "Hate Bill the Squirrel" bandwagon.



Good luck with that, new person....

Redwing 1,935 10
05/23/2009 09:10 PM

... because that's one crowded band wagon.

Pram (no relation) 53,482 11
05/23/2009 10:07 PM

Bill the idiot who thinks he's a squirrel.

Lobster is Still Waiting for Godot 9,797 9
05/24/2009 02:01 AM

Bill still bothers me. He formed this stupid club and now he thinks he's my boss or something.

I WILL NOT GO MAKE YOU A GODDAM SAMMICH!!!

Jacques Strap 44 1
05/26/2009 06:40 AM

Bill, there is a reason that so many people have decided to jump on this "bandwagon".

TheVelveTurd 4,931 3
05/26/2009 06:46 AM

It's ok Bill, I got your back........





























...right in the crosshairs.

Bill the Squirrel 25,508 8
05/26/2009 07:39 AM

I am not allowed to bash on you anymore guniepig613. Unless you like it of course and want to sign a concession.

If you would like I will send you a waiver to sign, which we would then have to get notarized and then send it certified mail to Phuc and John. After they receive it, verify your handwriting and check your left thumb print with the FBI and Interpol, I will receive a confirmation e-mail.

Precisely 16 hours and 31 minutes later I will arrive in Fort Collins Colorado. After I pay the private investigator 300 bucks for information on your whereabouts, I will drive to your house. Knock, Knock, Knock, the door will go. You will wonder to yourself, "Who is knocking on my door at this hour of the night?" But like the dumb blond girls in just about every horror flick you will answer it. I will be standing there. You will be startled. You will say, "Who are you?" because you will not know my face. I will look into your eyes and say, "Hello Guniepig, it's me, Bill the Squirrel."

A look of shock and horror will creep to the corners of your eyes as you realize your situation. As you are cowering in your doorway wondering what I am going to do, I will turn around and walk back to my car. You will then go in the house and clean the Shakespeare out of your pants.




Either that or I'll sit on my fat ass and type, "A Jacques Strap that doesn't protect your nuts is useless!", after all your posts.

Thud 53,122 10
05/26/2009 07:56 AM

And another chapter closes in the on going saga of ZugLive...

Stay tuned for a startling revelation next week.

Ravos is New & Improved 34,380 10
05/26/2009 04:38 PM

"A Jacques Strap that doesn't protect your nuts from a squirrel is useless!"

Naughty but KChiki. 50,428 11
05/26/2009 05:21 PM

Having panic attacks in my sleep

Welcome to the next 12+ months of your life!

I used to wake up at least 3-4 nights a week in utter panic that my son was in the bed somewhere under the covers and I couldn't find him and he was going to suffocate. I actually tried to push my husband off the bed (out of a dead sleep) because I was convinced he was laying on our infant son.

Jacques Strap 44 1
05/27/2009 01:32 AM

I'm sorry Bill, but I just don't like you in that kind of way.

peoriagrace 5,962 9
05/27/2009 02:07 AM

Things that bother me;

tripping over the bodies in dark basement

blood cheese, it's just gross.

Dead Pussy 213 2
06/09/2009 11:39 PM

silent farts that aren't silent!!!

The Ammo in Mammogram 979 4
06/10/2009 06:21 AM

Yeah, I hate it when dipShakespeares jump on me when I walk through the grass.

Goddammit Bill! You tried to Frost Nana's Weimaraner, didn't you?

Lobsta- Now With FIBER!! 9,797 9
06/10/2009 06:48 AM

Why in God's name did you bump this? It was almost dead, you know.

BC Bud 11,117 10
06/10/2009 07:06 AM

I hate people who put 'chickens' in their name...

There is only one 'chickens'...

Bill the Squirrel 25,508 8
06/10/2009 07:52 AM

Yeah, I hate it when dipShakespeares jump on me when I walk through the grass.

Goddammit Bill! You tried to Frost Nana's Weimaraner, didn't you?


To:(new person whose name I forgot)

Hi, how are you? I'm fine thank you. I haven't meet you yet. Are you enjoying Zug? I sure love it. Why don't you shoot me your address on twitter, we could follow each other. I really liked your joke about your grandmas dogs. I was chatting with John the other day and he said, "WOW, have you read the stuff (new person whose name I still can't remember) has been writing?", I quickly agreed that your writing has been wonderful. Well, nice seeing you. Have a great week.

Sincerly,

Bill the Squirrel.

The happy bouncy and somewhat twisted one 73 2
06/10/2009 07:59 AM

For me, I hate when my pomeranian won't shut the Frost up at night. And that weird old lady from poltergeist (this house is clear), but the movie itself is okay I think.

Like a Ravos 34,380 10
06/10/2009 04:47 PM

silent farts that aren't silent!!!

And deadly farts that aren't deadly!!!

The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy, Jr. 176,046 10
06/10/2009 06:33 PM

I am bothered by the number of people that have celebrity status, yet have done nothing to deserve it.

I don't like that the few can decide the fate of the masses.

I don't like the sense of entitlement that children have today.

I don't like the Amish.

Dogs Akimbo 158,693 11
06/11/2009 03:21 AM

Persian Serial Posters.

Pants 12,163 13
06/11/2009 03:43 AM

For me, I hate when my pomeranian won't shut the Frost up at night.

Invest in a box of these; It works every time the first time. It may take about half and hour or so to work but I guarantee that little rat will not wake you again.
The real plus is that the draw strings make disposal a snap.




Heft, Hefty, cinch sack.

Bayan Rabbani 1,654 3
06/11/2009 03:57 AM

Persian Cereals and Persian Posters.

The happy bouncy and somewhat twisted one 73 2
06/11/2009 06:02 AM

generally the dog's pretty adorable, untill you try to sleep.

The ARRH! in Diarrhea 979 4
06/11/2009 12:48 PM

generally the dog's pretty adorable, [strike]untill you try to sleep[/strike] when it's permanently asleep.

Fixed.

If it's puntable, it's not a dog.

The ARRH! in Diarrhea 979 4
06/11/2009 12:52 PM

generally the dog's pretty adorable, untill you try to sleep when it's permanently asleep.

Refixed.

The happy bouncy and somewhat twisted one 73 2
06/11/2009 02:03 PM

It isn't puntable. Always runs away. HE KNOWS... (spooky music) HE KNOWS WHATS COMING...












And he's too damn fast!

The happy bouncy and somewhat twisted one 73 2
06/11/2009 02:05 PM

Not exactky convenient when you've just caught him eatin out of the cats litter-box.

The happy bouncy and somewhat twisted one 73 2
06/11/2009 02:06 PM

Not exactly convenient when you've just caught him eatin out of the cats litter-box.