• Bill the Squirrel
• Getting phonecalls in the middle of the morning from strangers
• Being kicked in the spleen
• Having panic attacks in my sleep
• Bill the Squirrel
• Not owning a pony
• When Chance doesn't reply fast enough on Twitter
• Being invaded once a week by a Philipino woman who claims to be a "doctor"
• The idea of pushing a bowling ball through a key hole
• Bill the Squirrel

Anh is here. 11,108 14
05/02/2009 09:49 AM

Asbestos.

MungChamp 35,886 35
05/02/2009 09:52 AM

Redundancy

Analog 9,387 18
05/02/2009 10:15 AM

The thought of ever developing smegma

Lobster is Laying a Egg! 17,422 30
05/02/2009 10:18 AM

The thought of ever developing smegma


Eww.

A nice frothy mug of Undies 99,723 76
05/02/2009 11:01 AM

Something small poking my leg in the middle of the night.

Bill the Squirrel 53,130 53
05/02/2009 11:05 AM

The fact that I've havn't got into Lobsters head enough for her to mention me more than three time.

Shell Belle 76,640 24
05/02/2009 11:21 AM

I went to Target yesterday, and saw a pair of twins walking side by side, dressed in identical clothes. Usually I find that sort of thing cute, but not when it's two old ladies that looked to be about eighty.

It bothered me. It was creepy.

Bill the Squirrel 53,130 53
05/02/2009 11:35 AM

Another thing that bothers me, the smell when you leave the dead hooker in the trunk too long. Even Fabreeze doesn't take it out.

Bill the Squirrel 53,130 53
05/02/2009 11:37 AM

And, redundancy

Brubert 758 10
05/02/2009 11:46 AM

People who blame the fork when the fork falls off the plate into the cat food.

The Mailman 174,473 52
05/02/2009 02:04 PM

People who can't make a post on the Internet without mentioning their pregnancy.

Lobster is Laying a Egg! 17,422 30
05/02/2009 02:06 PM

French Canadians

Test Tube Baby 828 5
05/02/2009 02:14 PM

When I catch crappie that aren't keepers.

The Mailman 174,473 52
05/02/2009 05:52 PM

People who think I'm a French Canadian.

Dougie 59 4
05/02/2009 06:36 PM

When I was at the ATM the other day, and ended up getting quesitoned by the police for pushing over an old lady who had asked me to check her balance.

Wino Willie McManus 183,262 42
05/02/2009 07:11 PM

Unmarried pregnant sluts walking around all proud of themselves like they achieved something special by pointing their heels at the ceiling for every slob who walked past.


I'm pretty easy-going. Nothing really bothers me much.

Sippin Straw 95,470 36
05/02/2009 09:24 PM

I'm pretty sure my obstetrician was Filipino. But it was a man. Not sure if that makes it better or worse.

Honestly, I was more concerned about the nurse that kept wanting to stick her fingers with the three inch nails up my hoo ha.

Closet Friend 6,622 10
05/02/2009 11:50 PM

A key hole? If that's what your "doctor" told you, then you've clearly been letting her invade the wrong opening...

Closet Friend 6,622 10 then thinks of something bothersome...
05/02/2009 11:54 PM

An episiotomy!

Chit 178,088 15
05/03/2009 12:19 AM

I just watched a WHOLE commercial with Jamie Lee Curtis...and she didn't even take off her top!?!

WTF??


And what the hell is bifidus regularis?

Chit 178,088 15
05/03/2009 12:34 AM

Why didn't she just show her tits?

I'd buy the yoghurt if she just showed her tits!

BuddhaGreens 2 4
05/03/2009 04:44 AM

Small animals that believe they reign superior over me.

Wino Willie McManus 183,262 42
05/03/2009 05:38 AM

Chit, I'm going to wager that you'd be happier if you went and got some DVD's of Jamie Lee Curtis movies from the '80's than if you somehow got her to take her top off this week.

Buy a copy of Trading Places. Jamie Lee Curtis' boobs were probably at their peak of perfection then.

uh, NSFW.
>O>

Pubah 54,895 17
05/03/2009 09:18 AM

-Crappie that nibble but never really bite...

Crappie, the best tasting fish EVER!

-Dust particles that drift up my nose and tickle my brain
alergies in general

-People that feel they have to zoom past you to get to a red light.
bad drivers in general

-Women who depend on you for everything EXCEPT sex

-People who try to monopolize entire weekend

-When GabLive goes down and dosen't swallow

TheVelveTurd 6,551 10
05/03/2009 10:25 AM

Long lines at Starbucks and fat butts at Wal-Mart.

Drivers on cel phones and Smores flavored Pop Tarts.

Wives that will bitch about every thing.

These are a few of my most hated things.


Bills that need paying and snot covered babies.

A yard that needs mowing and neighbors from Hades.

Every time when I pee and it stings.

These are a few of my most hated things.


When get laid, when I get paid, when I'm feeling great.

I simply remember my most hated things, I then I can feeeeeel the hate.

Ironbuttkickinsnork 45,631 12
05/03/2009 12:43 PM

People.

Test Tube Baby 828 5
05/03/2009 12:49 PM

Alright already I'll buy you a damn pony.

Just stop having the anxiety attacks.

The baby will be all colicky and I'll

be able to hear her scream all the way over here.

Tell that Philipino she better be good docta.

Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
05/03/2009 12:55 PM

Strangely enough, this thread does not bother me.

Ditdah 123,092 14
05/03/2009 02:43 PM

Smores flavored Pop Tarts.

Ugh. That sounds thoroughly revolting. Why do we (Americans) feel the need to make a million types of artificially-flavored crap?

The original 4 types of artificially-flavored crap (Strawberry, Cherry, Blueberry, and Brown Sugar) were plenty for me.

Phuc 237,453 20
05/03/2009 03:57 PM

Chiggers.

Boozers.

Thank god that chiggers can't be boozers.

Wino Willie McManus 183,262 42
05/03/2009 07:27 PM

By Chiggers, do you mean the little insects or the Asian-Americans who favor hip hop style?

Thud 66,695 17
05/03/2009 07:29 PM

Whistler, I think those are normally called dipShakespeares.

Bill the Squirrel 53,130 53
05/03/2009 07:38 PM

Yeah, I hate it when dipShakespeares jump on me when I walk through the grass.

Shell Belle 76,640 24
05/03/2009 07:56 PM

It bothers me when someone ends an email with the phrase "Hit me up later." You want me to what now? Why is that preferable to simply asking someone to email you back?

I'll hit you up, yo. With a baseball bat.

Bill the Squirrel 53,130 53
05/03/2009 08:09 PM

What kind of people are you e-mailing with?

I have never once had someone say, Yo hit me up later. The Viagra people and Acai berry people who make up 99.97 percent of my e-mails never write that.

Chix is in da house 282,028 58
05/03/2009 08:11 PM

Getting an awesome paycheck and having to pay it all out in bills.

Lobster is Laying a Egg! 17,422 30
05/03/2009 09:14 PM

People mispronouncing my name. It's not like my name is Le-a or anything.

Juan Campos 1,173 4
05/03/2009 09:50 PM

People that have different skin color and religious views from me.

Lobster is Laying a Egg! 17,422 30
05/03/2009 10:01 PM

Silly Gentiles thinking that their preaching to me is going to buy me a ticket toheaven. I'm a Jew. I get in for free, bitches!

Thud 66,695 17
05/03/2009 10:08 PM

Devices that don't work properly.

Like, let me think... Windows machines.

Shell Belle 76,640 24
05/03/2009 10:14 PM

What kind of people are you e-mailing with?

I mostly get that from my nieces and nephews. Along with a lot of misspelled words. Like this:

"Aunt Shell, I see you tomarrow or Saterday. Hit me back later!"

I guess I shouldn't be surprised to see this. My brother and sister are both idiots. It doesn't seem to have skipped a generation.

Lobster is Laying a Egg! 17,422 30
05/03/2009 10:30 PM

The future of the general public. As I am a nationally recognized (no Shakespeare, I have the papers to prove it. Math only) jenius (misspelled on purpose, Jeeni will get the joke), I do not worry about my own spawn, but those of the less intellectually inclined.

Pubah 54,895 17
05/03/2009 10:33 PM

There's a seat on the short bus for all of us.

Cravin Moorhead 3,307 12
05/03/2009 10:52 PM

So Lobster is the ZUG Rainman?

What bothers me is "Tim and Eric" on Adult Swim.

Wino Willie McManus 183,262 42
05/03/2009 11:27 PM

Lobster, to paraphrase Forrest Gump, genius is as genius does. So far, you're failing to impress.

Butt Face Chicken McNugget 129 4
05/04/2009 12:43 AM

When someone at work walks over to ny desk to tell me that they just sent me an email.

When my 8 year old bests me at Rock Band drums. The little ingrate rat-face.

When I cut the back of my own leg with my own overgrown toenail.

TomServo 3,752 7
05/04/2009 05:00 AM

You know when you go to the dentist for a cleaning and they insist on performing the precautionary rectal exam.

That really bugs me... It's been 10 years now and I have never really understood the point to this.

Wino Willie McManus 183,262 42
05/04/2009 05:32 AM

When yet another noob shows up and gives themselves a name with "chicken" in it.

Lobster is Laying a Egg! 17,422 30
05/04/2009 07:03 AM

Lobster, to paraphrase Forrest Gump, genius is as genius does. So far, you're failing to impress


Jeebus, who pissed in your Cheerios?
I simply stated that I am a math genius. I never said I had common sense.

TheVelveTurd 6,551 10
05/04/2009 07:22 AM

Yo Shell, Hit me up later.

Ravos is the impostor 62,361 20
05/04/2009 08:17 AM

It bothers me when someone ends an email with the phrase "Hit me up later."

I think you misread the tagline on Lobster's emails. I think it is "Knock me up later". I assume it is "Later", because she is still waiting for the current spawn to errupt.

Jacques Strap 51 5
05/23/2009 10:54 AM

Bill da squirrel
Kidney stones
Stepping on nails
The fat people at Wal-Mart that plug up the isles with their enormous asses
People in general

Bill the Squirrel 53,130 53
05/23/2009 11:00 AM

Awwww, isn't that cute!

It's trying to jump on the "Hate Bill the Squirrel" bandwagon.



Good luck with that, new person....

Redwing 3,656 30
05/23/2009 12:10 PM

... because that's one crowded band wagon.

Pram (no relation) 78,171 40
05/23/2009 01:07 PM

Bill the idiot who thinks he's a squirrel.

Lobster is Still Waiting for Godot 17,422 30
05/23/2009 05:01 PM

Bill still bothers me. He formed this stupid club and now he thinks he's my boss or something.

I WILL NOT GO MAKE YOU A GODDAM SAMMICH!!!

Jacques Strap 51 5
05/25/2009 09:40 PM

Bill, there is a reason that so many people have decided to jump on this "bandwagon".

TheVelveTurd 6,551 10
05/25/2009 09:46 PM

It's ok Bill, I got your back........





























...right in the crosshairs.

Bill the Squirrel 53,130 53
05/25/2009 10:39 PM

I am not allowed to bash on you anymore guniepig613. Unless you like it of course and want to sign a concession.

If you would like I will send you a waiver to sign, which we would then have to get notarized and then send it certified mail to Phuc and John. After they receive it, verify your handwriting and check your left thumb print with the FBI and Interpol, I will receive a confirmation e-mail.

Precisely 16 hours and 31 minutes later I will arrive in Fort Collins Colorado. After I pay the private investigator 300 bucks for information on your whereabouts, I will drive to your house. Knock, Knock, Knock, the door will go. You will wonder to yourself, "Who is knocking on my door at this hour of the night?" But like the dumb blond girls in just about every horror flick you will answer it. I will be standing there. You will be startled. You will say, "Who are you?" because you will not know my face. I will look into your eyes and say, "Hello Guniepig, it's me, Bill the Squirrel."

A look of shock and horror will creep to the corners of your eyes as you realize your situation. As you are cowering in your doorway wondering what I am going to do, I will turn around and walk back to my car. You will then go in the house and clean the Shakespeare out of your pants.




Either that or I'll sit on my fat ass and type, "A Jacques Strap that doesn't protect your nuts is useless!", after all your posts.

Thud 66,695 17
05/25/2009 10:56 PM

And another chapter closes in the on going saga of ZugLive...

Stay tuned for a startling revelation next week.

Ravos is New & Improved 62,361 20
05/26/2009 07:38 AM

"A Jacques Strap that doesn't protect your nuts from a squirrel is useless!"

Naughty but KChiki. 124,281 89
05/26/2009 08:21 AM

Having panic attacks in my sleep

Welcome to the next 12+ months of your life!

I used to wake up at least 3-4 nights a week in utter panic that my son was in the bed somewhere under the covers and I couldn't find him and he was going to suffocate. I actually tried to push my husband off the bed (out of a dead sleep) because I was convinced he was laying on our infant son.

Jacques Strap 51 5
05/26/2009 04:32 PM

I'm sorry Bill, but I just don't like you in that kind of way.

peoriagrace 6,153 11
05/26/2009 05:07 PM

Things that bother me;

tripping over the bodies in dark basement

blood cheese, it's just gross.

Dead Pussy 219 5
06/09/2009 02:39 PM

silent farts that aren't silent!!!

The Ammo in Mammogram 1,071 7
06/09/2009 09:21 PM

Yeah, I hate it when dipShakespeares jump on me when I walk through the grass.

Goddammit Bill! You tried to Frost Nana's Weimaraner, didn't you?

Lobsta- Now With FIBER!! 17,422 30
06/09/2009 09:48 PM

Why in God's name did you bump this? It was almost dead, you know.

BC Bud 13,693 15
06/09/2009 10:06 PM

I hate people who put 'chickens' in their name...

There is only one 'chickens'...

Bill the Squirrel 53,130 53
06/09/2009 10:52 PM

Yeah, I hate it when dipShakespeares jump on me when I walk through the grass.

Goddammit Bill! You tried to Frost Nana's Weimaraner, didn't you?


To:(new person whose name I forgot)

Hi, how are you? I'm fine thank you. I haven't meet you yet. Are you enjoying Zug? I sure love it. Why don't you shoot me your address on twitter, we could follow each other. I really liked your joke about your grandmas dogs. I was chatting with John the other day and he said, "WOW, have you read the stuff (new person whose name I still can't remember) has been writing?", I quickly agreed that your writing has been wonderful. Well, nice seeing you. Have a great week.

Sincerly,

Bill the Squirrel.

The happy bouncy and somewhat twisted one 82 4
06/09/2009 10:59 PM

For me, I hate when my pomeranian won't shut the Frost up at night. And that weird old lady from poltergeist (this house is clear), but the movie itself is okay I think.

Like a Ravos 62,361 20
06/10/2009 07:47 AM

silent farts that aren't silent!!!

And deadly farts that aren't deadly!!!

The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy, Jr. 203,777 21
06/10/2009 09:33 AM

I am bothered by the number of people that have celebrity status, yet have done nothing to deserve it.

I don't like that the few can decide the fate of the masses.

I don't like the sense of entitlement that children have today.

I don't like the Amish.

Dogs Akimbo 205,285 31
06/10/2009 06:21 PM

Persian Serial Posters.

Pants 14,213 17
06/10/2009 06:43 PM

For me, I hate when my pomeranian won't shut the Frost up at night.

Invest in a box of these; It works every time the first time. It may take about half and hour or so to work but I guarantee that little rat will not wake you again.
The real plus is that the draw strings make disposal a snap.




Heft, Hefty, cinch sack.

Bayan Rabbani 2,826 14
06/10/2009 06:57 PM

Persian Cereals and Persian Posters.

The happy bouncy and somewhat twisted one 82 4
06/10/2009 09:02 PM

generally the dog's pretty adorable, untill you try to sleep.

The ARRH! in Diarrhea 1,071 7
06/11/2009 03:48 AM

generally the dog's pretty adorable, [strike]untill you try to sleep[/strike] when it's permanently asleep.

Fixed.

If it's puntable, it's not a dog.

The ARRH! in Diarrhea 1,071 7
06/11/2009 03:52 AM

generally the dog's pretty adorable, untill you try to sleep when it's permanently asleep.

Refixed.

The happy bouncy and somewhat twisted one 82 4
06/11/2009 05:03 AM

It isn't puntable. Always runs away. HE KNOWS... (spooky music) HE KNOWS WHATS COMING...












And he's too damn fast!

The happy bouncy and somewhat twisted one 82 4
06/11/2009 05:05 AM

Not exactky convenient when you've just caught him eatin out of the cats litter-box.

The happy bouncy and somewhat twisted one 82 4
06/11/2009 05:06 AM

Not exactly convenient when you've just caught him eatin out of the cats litter-box.