Analog 9,387 18
05/07/2009 09:57 AM

Wear a skin when you sin!

TomServo 3,752 7
05/07/2009 10:01 AM

Yeah I went to school with a couple dumb-asses so I can definitely see one of them robbing a bank with a condom over his head.

TheVelveTurd 6,551 10
05/07/2009 10:13 AM

Ok this is kind of a long one so stop me if you've heard it.

A man is traveling through Ireland to take in the culture and stops in a quaint little pub where he meets a very drunk local. Halfway into their conversation the drunk starts ranting.

"Ya see thaht bar right thar. Ah beult that bar with me oown tooo 'ands. Blud and sweat... but ya dooon't see anyone goin' round town sayin'..'Hey, thars John McKracken, tha bar builder.' "

"Ya see dem shalves back thar, Ah beult dem tooo. With me oown tooo 'ands. Blud and sweat.hic But ya don't see anyone goin round town sayin 'Hey, thars John McKracken,.. the shalve builder."

"Tha fookin' fence dat goes round this fookin' pub! Ah beult it tooo. But ya don't see anyone goin round town sayin 'Hey thars John McKracken, tha fence builder'"

Hic " But ya fook one goat....."

manhole 20,243 26
05/07/2009 05:11 PM

Why do birds fly south for the winter?

































because it's too far to walk!

Thud 66,695 17
05/07/2009 05:35 PM

Why did the baby cross the road?

Because it was stapled to the chicken.

Bill the Squirrel 53,130 53
05/07/2009 05:40 PM

What's grosser than gross?

A huge pile of dead babies.

What's grosser than that?

One live one at the bottom eating it's way out.

Cravin Moorhead 3,307 12
05/07/2009 05:49 PM

An old man goes to the doctor and says he wants to get some birth ontrol for his 9 ar old Granddaughter. The doctor asks "A 9 year old!? Is she sexually active?" gramdpa says "no, she just lays there like her grandmother."

BC Bud 13,693 15
05/07/2009 05:59 PM

Why do you wrap your hamster in Duct Tape?











So it doesn't explode when you Frost it...

Space Admiral BobJohnson 177,866 22
05/07/2009 06:55 PM

I think my favorite joke of all time comes from Stewart Francis:

I can't believe how much nudity is on cable television these days. It's outrageous! Sometimes I sit there and shake my fist at it.



And my favorite joke that I've heard recently:

Historians have found new evidence that Hitler was out of shape. Apparently he couldn't even finish a race.

MungChamp 35,886 35
05/07/2009 07:08 PM

Q. What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?

A. Leukemia.

manhole 20,243 26
05/07/2009 07:20 PM

At least he's good at pinball.

tuituiman 175 7
05/07/2009 08:42 PM

Most people have a chuckle when I tell this one...



A blonde is in the car with her boyfriend. They're listening to the radio and the announcer is telling a "typical blonde" story.

"Ya know what?" says the blonde in the car. "I hate the fact that there's only a couple blondes making the world see us like that!"
She looks over at a paddock to the left of the car at this point and notices a blonde woman in a row boat on the grass apparently trying to row her away accross it.
"Stop the car!" she yells.

The boyfriend pulls over and the blonde woman jumps out.
"Now that's the kind of blonde that's giving us a bad name!"

"Yeah." replies the boyfriend.




"Ya know... If I could swim I'd really teach her a lesson!"

Closet Friend 6,622 10
05/07/2009 10:06 PM

A bear strolls into Starbucks, slaps a twenty down on the counter and dryly growls out, "gimme a venti green tea chai latte with whole..." Brief silence. "...milk."

"Sure thing," chirps the barrista. "By the way, what's with the pause?"

"Dude, I was born with 'em..."

Mastur Platypus 6,622 10
05/07/2009 10:47 PM

A pirate labors his way into a pub with a ship's wheel attached to his crotch...

"Wha'cha got there, Cap'n?" asks the barkeep upon seeing the weird buccaneer...

"Arrrgh, I don't know - but it's drivin' me nuts!"

TomServo 3,752 7
05/08/2009 02:14 AM

What's green and smells like pork?











Kermit the Frogs fingers.

Phuc 237,453 20
05/08/2009 05:15 AM

Didja hear about the cannibal who passed his friend in the street?

Gonzo 20,504 16
05/08/2009 08:10 AM

My favorite joke is chuckling derisively at the non-American spellings of words like 'color', 'favorite', and 'poutine'.

TheFoye 55,700 15
05/08/2009 11:28 AM

If I have a rooster and you have a donkey, and your donkey bites the feet off of my rooster, what do you have?

















Two feet of my Coleridge in your ass.

Shell Belle 76,640 24
05/08/2009 12:21 PM

I always find this funny because it's right on the money as to how a woman thinks.

Wife Translations:

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

Sir Tron 3,355 9
05/08/2009 02:39 PM

An old one I got out of Hustler when I was like 10

What's the difference between Love, True Love and Showing Off?










Spitting, Swallowing and Gargling!

Nipples of the Future! 2,207 7
05/08/2009 02:43 PM

What do you get a dead baby for Christmas?



A dead puppy

MungChamp 35,886 35
05/08/2009 03:03 PM

So a baby seal walks into a club...

MungChamp 35,886 35
05/08/2009 03:45 PM

And along those lines Shell

Husband Translations:

The husband says: You want
The husband means: Will this make you shut the Frost up?

The husband says: We need
The husband means: I am tired of looking at...

The husband says: It's your decision
The husband means: Thank god I don't have to decide. SportsCenter is on in 15.

The husband says: Do what you want
The husband means: I really don't give a Shakespeare.

The husband says: We need to talk
The husband means: I am sleeping with your sister.

The husband says: Sure... go ahead
The husband means: That will give me time to asphyxiate myself.

The husband says: I'n not upset
The husband means: You should know I emotionally checked out years ago.

The husband says: You look great!
The husband means: I am not falling for that Shakespeare.

The husband says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The husband means: Mental movie theater will get me through this one.

The husband says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The husband means: For me, please make sure you know your place, dear.

The husband says: I want new curtains.
The husband means: I like men!

Fratberry 277,313 52
05/08/2009 03:49 PM

My favorite joke? The one in my hand, of course.

























































It's a really long joke, though.

Chance IS the giver of life! 171,220 14
05/08/2009 04:27 PM

What are you doing holding Warren's penis...

































again?

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
05/08/2009 11:11 PM

An Asian-American enters a drinking establishment and sees an African-American is the chief cocktail mixer in the place.

"Hey, Ogden Nash! Pour me a jigger!" The Asian-American demands.

"Oh my goodness!" Responds the African-American, "You can't speak to me like that. Where have you been for the last forty years? You need to experience opression and see how you've made me feel. Come behind the bar and pretend to do my job and I'll come in and pretend to be the customer."

So the Asian-American goes behind the bar, and the African-American leaves, and then returns.

"Hey, Chink! Fix me a drink!" He bellows.

"I'm sorry," replies the Asian-American, "We don't serve Ogden Nashes in here."

TheFoye 55,700 15
05/09/2009 12:58 AM

I'm not a racist because racism is a crime and only Ogden Nashes commit crimes.

Chance IS the giver of life! 171,220 14
05/09/2009 09:49 AM

For shame.



You either get it or you dont.



Thats all I am saying on the subject.

TomServo 3,752 7
05/11/2009 02:28 AM

You : What's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?

Victim : I don't know, what is the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?







































You :So you're the one!!!

Professor Nutbutter 181,220 34
05/11/2009 12:31 PM

Really, Whistler? A smart, funny guy like you and your "favorite" joke is a racist one I didn't laugh at when I first heard it in seventh grade?

That's like finding out Julia Child's favorite food is Cheerios or that there's nothing Ron Jeremy enjoys better than getting a dry hand job from Tyne Daly.

Clearly, sir, you of all people can do better.

KChiki - Flu Free! (knock on wood) 124,276 89
05/11/2009 01:33 PM

Two men are sitting at a bar, drinking.

The first man turns to the second and says, "You know, I Frosted your mother last night."

The bartender and the rest of the patrons stop and look, but the second man continues to drink his beer, unfazed.

The first man continues, "I've never seen a woman take it up the ass like she did! Woo-weeee!"

The bar goes completely silent, but the second man continues to drink, staring into his beer.

The first man stands up and yells, "HEY! Did you hear me?? Your mother's a dirty, dirty girl!!"

The second man finally looks up, rolls his eyes and says, "Shaddup, Dad. You're drunk."

Closet Friend 6,622 10
05/12/2009 12:12 AM

An otherwise attractive brunette in a short skirt and sleeveless top makes her way to the end of a crowded bar. To catch the bartender's attention, she leans forward with her hand high in the air, and exposes everyone around to a large, coarse patch of armpit hair...

The bartender quickly steps in after seeing the disgusted look upon his customers' faces. My name is Smitty," he tells the woman, "and if you need a anything at all, then please just rap on the bar and call me by name..."

Shortly thereafter, the bartender sees customers hastily hading for the exit. Sure enough, yeti-pit is back to her old ways, but now with both arms in the air. "Lady, I told you to call me by name if you needed anything," gripes the bartender through clenched teeth...

"Hey Smitty, just put her drink on my tab," interjects a drunk from nearby. "I just love the ballet!"

"Ballet?" stammers Smitty. "What in the world are you talking about?"

"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

Juan Campos 1,173 4
05/12/2009 05:57 PM

Is there anyone here who knows the Cheerio joke? It's incredibly long and I don't want to type it.

Thud 66,695 17
05/12/2009 06:03 PM

Is there anyone here who knows the Cheerio joke?

Is it a racist joke? If it is, ask Whistler.

TomServo 3,752 7
05/13/2009 01:15 AM

So there's Henry, a talking panda, and being a one of a kind talking panda can often get quite lonely. No one to relate to, no one to talk to about panda politics and issues, but most importantly being a talking panda he found it damn near impossible to get laid.

So one day Henry decides to ring up a call girl to "relieve" some of the built up pressure - so to speak.

He finds the kinkiest, nastiest hooker he can find and proceeds to make an appointment. When he arrives at her apartment he opens the door to find a surprised looking hooker at the door. She figures, she has done more freaky Shakespeare in her life so she would be willing to give it a go.

Quick as a flash she is spread eagle on the bed, calling to Henry to give her a long hard one. Henry looks at her and glances over to the kitchen where he sees some left over chinese food. He looks at her and looks back at the food and his stomach wins the battle against his penis. He tucks into the chinese food much to the hookers surprise. Just when she is about to call it a day and put her clothes back on Henry finishes his last serving of chinese. Before she can get to her feet he pushes her down on the bed and has his way with her.

TomServo 3,752 7
05/13/2009 01:15 AM

After an hour of the freakiest panda sex you can think of (and I know you guys can think of some freaky panda sex) the hooker lights up a smoke. Henry gets out of bed and starts making a B line to the door. The hooker hops up and blocks his exit. "Wait a second pal", she says as she grabs a dictionary. "I am a prostitute", she says paging to the relevant page in the dictionary. "PROSTITUTE : Performs sexual favours for money. Henry slaps her ass down, grabs the dictionary and nonchalantly pages to Panda in the dictionary. He proceeds to read "PANDA : Eats, shoots and leaves"

Ironbuttkickinsnork 45,631 12
05/13/2009 03:15 AM

Q: When will Microsoft make something that does not suck?
A: When they make a vacuum cleaner.

Ironbuttkickinsnork 45,631 12
05/13/2009 03:21 AM

-Answer me truthfully yes or no, ok?
-OK, shoot
-Why do men laugh at blonds?
-Yes

Ironbuttkickinsnork 45,631 12
05/13/2009 03:25 AM

He: Sorry I couldn't make it, I was at a bachelor party
She: But there's always a bunch of sluts at a bachelor party!
He: No, see, the point is - girls aren't invited.
She: Yeah right, like I've never been to a bachelor party!

Bologna Nipples 2,207 7
05/14/2009 04:09 PM

I saw this "comedianne"(if you will) a few weeks ago that let this knee slapper go:

"I was on the subway the other day. Do you guys ever ride those things? They're Frostin nasty!

I was just sitting there minding my own business and the guy across from me just starts masturbating out of nowhere!

(Referring to a female crowd member with a disgusted look on her face)I know! I was like 'Deeeeennnng............I'm hella cute!"

Ravos is the impostor 62,361 20
05/15/2009 07:13 AM

"Soooo, I tried a date-rape drug for the first time the other day, and I was pretty diappointed with the results. They just made me really tired. I was like 'wow, these suck, I'm not going to get to do any raping tonight.'"

MungChamp 35,886 35
05/15/2009 08:31 AM

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."

He says, "Wow that's cool, how could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."

TheVelveTurd 6,551 10
05/15/2009 09:39 AM

Really, Whistler? A smart, funny guy like you and your "favorite" joke is a racist one I didn't laugh at when I first heard it in seventh grade?

Come on Nutbutter cut Whistler some slack. You know old people are naturally racist. It's just part of their charm. Just like black people like to eat chicken and Jews eat babies. Did I ever mention I was raised by my grandparents? I sure do miss them, and those cool bonfires they use to take me to.

HeadTater 30 4
05/15/2009 08:46 PM

Womens' rights

Whistler 183,262 42
05/15/2009 09:02 PM

I love racist jokes. And sexist jokes, and blonde jokes, jokes about homosexuals, the developmentally disabled, dead babies, Helen Keller, the holocaust, child abuse, fife players, people with no arms or legs, priests, nuns, ministers, rabbis, imams, witch doctors, cannibals, necrophiliacs, hemophiliacs and Republicans.

And I'd love a dry hand job from Tyne Daly.

But you see, I love irony more than any of that.

Pubah 54,888 17
05/17/2009 08:29 PM

I asked my co-worker, "What's the difference between a blow job and a Big Mac?"

My co-worker dosen't know

So I ask her..."Wanna go to lunch? I'm buying."

Pubah 54,888 17
05/17/2009 09:19 PM

Girl asks her dad if she can borrow the car:
Dad tells her she has to suck his dick first:
While girl is sucking dick, she says, "Dad, your dick tastes like Shakespeare."
Dad replies, "That reminds me...your brother has the car."

Juan Campos 1,173 4
05/17/2009 09:48 PM

I told this joke in another thread, but I think it bears repeating, and fleshing out, here.


What's the difference between a shiny, new Corvette and a pile of dead babies?


I don't have a Corvette in my garage.











Also, I don't masturbate while sitting in a Corvette.

Ceramic grill 4 3
05/18/2009 04:06 AM

A Banbury senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom.

Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought," What
on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can
give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, 2 years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman

Today's Whistler - Since 1903 183,262 42
05/18/2009 05:01 AM

It wasn't that funny the first time.

Thud 66,695 17
05/18/2009 09:18 PM

A man was riding in a boat with Jesus Christ. The man's hat blew off, so he asked Jesus to get his hat. Jesus got out of the boat, walked across the lake, picked up the hat and walked back to the boat. The man thanked Jesus and they continued their boat ride.

The whole incident was witnessed by a newspaper reporter who happened to be relaxing on the lake's shore. The reporter wrote an article about what he had seen and it was published the next day.

The headline of the story read "JESUS CAN'T SWIM".

Schticky Nipples 2,207 7
05/19/2009 02:26 PM

I just got back from school and learned about a bar that old Benny used to go to.

I got in trouble when I remarked

"so was his nickname 'Bottoms-Up Ben'?"

It was funny

I felt like sharing.

TomServo 3,752 7
05/20/2009 08:23 AM

Can't believe I forgot this one :

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?


You can't marmalade your Coleridge into your girlfriends ass.

MungChamp 35,886 35
05/20/2009 08:47 PM

"What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?"



"Depends..."

Reverendhongry 303 5
05/21/2009 11:04 AM

"What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?"

"It only takes one nail to hang the picture."

Alarm Clock the Soft Robot 6,338 4
05/25/2009 06:30 PM

When a guy goes into the O.R. for a liver transplant, is he delivered?

A personal one that I use and find funny for myself at work and relatives houses:

Me: There's a freakin' snake in the toilet!

Them: (Whatever. I don't ever listen.)

Me: It's bowl-winder!

kcdc2003 24 5
06/01/2009 02:52 PM

Timmy and Tommy were talking on the way to breakfast about the fact that they were 6 and 7 years old. They thought they should start using some cuss words. Timmy decided on "hell" and Tommy selected "damn".

When they got to the breakfast table the boys mom asked,
"So, Timmy, what would you like for breakfast today?"

Timmy replies, "Aw, Hell Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios..."

Timmy's mother flies into a rage at such language from her son, smacks him down from the kitchen chair and chases him from the room with a handy hairbrush.

Returning to the kitchen a little disheveled, Mom glares at Tommy and asks quietly, "Tommy, what do you want for breakfast?"

Tommy nervously says, "Well, you can bet your ass I'm not having any damn Cheerios!!!"

/Pram 78,171 40
06/01/2009 06:25 PM

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The husband says: I love you, honey.
The husband means: You're mostly a bitch, but I'll put up with it because you have a semen depository on your person.

Pants 14,209 17
06/01/2009 08:15 PM

Q: "What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?"















A: "Cuatro Cinco."

Ravos is New & Improved 62,361 20
06/02/2009 09:50 AM

Wear a skin when you sin!

Okay buffalo bill.

Ravos is New & Improved 62,361 20
06/02/2009 09:53 AM

What is the difference between an apple and a dead baby?

An apple doesn't give me a boner.

ragnarqa 10 5
06/16/2009 02:28 PM

Why did the chicken cross the road?



















To prove to the opossum that it could be done!

Mothcleaner 3,704 9
06/16/2009 02:45 PM

To prove to the opossum that it could be done!

The correct answer is: to get away from his horde of foster-kids.

Peck of Pickled Nipples 2,207 7
06/16/2009 08:21 PM

Q:How many babies does it take to paint a house?



A:Depends on how hard you throw them!

Dogs Akimbo 205,280 31
06/16/2009 10:03 PM

A fellow shows up at a bar and orders three drinks. The bartender comments, "You must be in a hurry, eh?"

The guy looks up and says, "You mean because of the three beers? No. It's just because a year ago me and my two brothers had to emigrate from Ireland. Cathal went to Australia, Patrick went to Brazil, and me, Sean, I came to the States. Whenever we have a drink in a bar, we have three, to remind us of the other two brothers who we miss."

Over time, as the guy comes back to the bar and always has three beers, the story gets around and all of the regulars take a liking to the young lad, touched by the love of the three brothers.

On one day, Sean comes in and orders only two beers. A couple of the patrons whisper together, wondering if maybe something has happened to Patrick or Cathal. "Sean, is everything all right? Are your brothers okay?"

"Sure, sure, they're fine. Oh, you mean because of the two beers? Oh, no, they're both fine. It's just that I've given up drinking."

Ironbuttkickinsnork 45,631 12
06/19/2009 04:54 PM

What do you get when your car is struck by lightning?

A Voltswagon.

Whistler P. McManus 183,262 42
06/20/2009 10:12 PM

Hey Dogs: that Sean in your story? Is his last name O'Connor?

DAGGY 86,640 14
06/22/2009 07:28 AM

Little Jimmy walks into the bathroom to find his Mum nekkid in the bath. He can clearly see her vajayjay.
He immediately notices the difference between him and his Mums 'no-no' area and asks.... 'Mum, what's that between your legs?'

Mum says. 'oh, that's just where daddy split me with the axe!'

Little Jimmy looks and thinks for a minute and says... 'Blimey! Looks like he hit you right in the Carroll!'
















































Try the veal!

Bayan Rabbani 2,826 14
06/22/2009 09:57 AM

Anne Frank, The Holocaust, Helen Keller, and using similies are my thing.

Mr Crabs 301 7
06/23/2009 11:47 AM

WHY DID MICKEY MOUSE DIVORCE MINNY MOUSE?












'CAUSE SHE WAS FROSTIN' GOOFY.

l8f57 3 3
06/30/2009 12:27 PM

Did you hear - Michael Jackson died of food poisoning?




He ate some nine year old wieners.

Autra 10,533 11
06/30/2009 01:12 PM

Just pick one of mine from here and give me clickies. You bastards aren't worth the cut and paste effort.

Hairy Nipples 2,207 7
06/30/2009 02:20 PM

"The economy is so bad," on fried said to another, "I got into a cab the other day, and the driver spoke English."

Hairy Nipples 2,207 7
06/30/2009 02:22 PM

Fried –noun
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
4. a member of the same nation, party, etc.
5. (initial capital letter) a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker.

HighSoci 28,954 16
06/30/2009 07:32 PM

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his cell phone and calls 911. He yells to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Zelkun 639 12
07/02/2009 10:50 AM

A priest and a minister walk into a bar






































the rabbi ducks.

Phuc 237,453 20
07/02/2009 02:52 PM

A man walks into a delicatessen and says to the man behind the counter, "I'd like a stick of pepperoni, please."

The man behind the counter says, "Certainly. Would you like that cut into slices?"

The first man puts his hands on his hips and states indignantly, "What does my ass look like--a piggybank?



















...mmmmmhhhhmmhmmmm!"