WART CONTEST: A Halloween Hello
A comedy article
by UnderMcHaggis  72,604  13
05/13/2009 04:39 PM 802 views
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 A few years ago, my ex and I were invited to a costume party. We normally didn't get dressed up for Halloween, but as the day grew closer, we became more excited about attending - though mostly it was for the free beer we had been promised and less about the costumes.
My ex went as a monkey, and I was a naughty secretary. (I was originally going to be a naughty catholic school girl, but that morning I became scared that God would strike me down, and I took off the rosary and replaced it with a tie.)
Our friend who was hosting was the kind of guy that everyone seems to know, and when we arrived at the party, we realized he had invited EVERYONE he knew. This included both my younger sister - who was dressed up like Queen Frostine from the game Candy Land - and my younger brother, who had on a torn Tshirt streaked with red marker and arrows sticking out of and into his body.
Just like my sister, only with more clothing.
Normally my siblings kinda suck, but since there was a lot of alcohol at the party, I was able to tolerate their presence most of the night. In the beginning, it was also easier to ignore them because the apartment was packed full of people who were not related to me.
However, my brother ended up bringing the party to an abrupt halt, midway through the night's revelries, so it was kind of hard to ignore THAT.
After several hours and several rounds of beer pong, I looked over to see some fat chick sitting on my brother's lap. They seemed to be quite friendly toward each other - I was able to deduce this by seeing that his tongue was stuck down her throat, and his hand seemed to have disappeared somewhere up her skirt. (She was dressed as a slutty nurse.) I was pretty repulsed by this scene, because - ew, my brother - and also I thought I remembered this girl as having a boyfriend already.
I looked away from them, scanned the rest of the room and located with my younger sister, who was flashing her breasts at some strangers out in the street. I pushed through the crowd to reach her and then directed her attention to the tableau on the living room couch. My sister yelled out "Trisha! You ho!" and then stumbled over, pulled the girl off of my brother and then they disappeared upstairs.
My brother was pretty worked up by that point, and made a beeline for me, and started begging me for a condom. "I'm going to get laid! You gotta help me with this!" Being a nice catholic girl, I didn't have any condoms, but being a drunk older sister, I turned and addressed the crowd.
"Anyone got condoms so my little brother can finally have sex?"
Unfortunately, no one seemed to have condoms. However, everyone seemed to have advice.
"That girl has a boyfriend."
"Yeah, but he's a Poe. You could beat his ass, no problem. Though he won't try to fight you, because he's a Poe."
"Yeah, plus she's drunk. She can totally play it off later, like she didn't know."
"She's fat too, so she probably needs to get laid. Way to go on your first time - fat chicks are desperate to be loved."
"Try anal, she'll like it."
"Make sure you remember her name or she won't like you much."
"Dude, she's fat. She won't care what you call her."
"Trisha has genital warts!"
The room fell silent as this pronouncement was made and the person who made it pushed her way to the front, to stand in front of my brother. "Seriously - that girl is nasty. I went with her to buy cream once at a drugstore. You don't want to get it - stay away!"
You could see my brother struggle to try and make this okay. His reasoning failed though, and his shoulders slumped.
The crowd wasn't worried about his feelings though. They took this pronouncement and examined it with glee. "She's got warts!"
"Warts!"
"Genital Warts!"
"Where'd she go?"
"What warts?"
"She's upstairs with her warts!"
"Warts up? Warts up! WARTS UP dude?
Soon, everyone was saying it. Trisha finally came back down to the main room, and it was shouted at her from all sides. She left immediately, in shame, with her nasty cooter.
Not the cooter in question, but still pretty nasty.
The people at the party then turned to my brother, who, by that point, was trying to blend in with the furniture. I have to admit that I was not very nice, and repeated the phrase to him over and over, following the lead of 60 or so strangers.
I'm still not that nice. This particular Halloween took place 7 years ago, but whenever we're at a family function, my sister and I still greet our brother with "Warts up?"
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
22 votes
4.7
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.5
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Mothcleaner 3,592  5
05/13/2009 05:23 PM
Nice! I gave you five Warts Zugz for that.
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0 votes
0.0
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xentar 428 5
05/13/2009 07:27 PM
Ah, warts everywhere... Let's, instead, have a fart contest: say 'hello' with your ass.
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0 votes
0.0
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xentar 428 5
05/13/2009 07:34 PM
Another thread about those, and the best new name for this site would be "Star Warts Episode ZUG: Return of the Herpes".
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Fratberry 218,159 12
05/13/2009 07:41 PM
Winner.
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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UnderMcHaggis 72,604 13
05/14/2009 12:24 AM
I'm dreading the day that my siblings find GAB. Especially my brother - examples of his childhood humiliation are all over this site, and I think even in my top 5 posts.
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0 votes
0.0
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Whistler 140,224 20
05/14/2009 08:07 AM
I smell a check! Great one, Undies.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Thud 52,974 10
05/14/2009 08:29 AM
That's not a check you smell, Whistler. It was probably just the lingering eau de Trisha.
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0 votes
0.0
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Pram (no relation) 52,628 8
05/14/2009 09:34 AM
http://i31.photobucket.com/albums/c356/underwherezug/wart.jpg
It's BACON!!!
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Pram (no relation) 52,628 8
05/14/2009 09:37 AM
I looked away from them, scanned the rest of the room and located with my younger sister, who was flashing her breasts at some strangers out in the street. I pushed through the crowd to reach her and then directed her attention to the tableau on the living room couch. My sister yelled out "Trisha! You ho!" and then stumbled over
This is either Stephen King or David Sedaris. Admit it! You plagiarist.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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UnderMcHaggis 72,604 13
05/14/2009 03:15 PM
rest of the room and located with my younger sister
No way. Those guys can afford an editor.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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John Hargrave 116,491 19
05/15/2009 12:06 AM
Hilarious. I really don't want to know what the last picture was of, though.
Linked from the ZUG Homepage.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Bologna Nipples 2,111 5
05/15/2009 01:22 AM
It's going to be hard to top that one. It had all the elements.. sexy secretary pic, the hilarious embarrassisation of one's siblings, and a picture of genital warts that I will never be able to unsee. I pooped, peed, and threw up all over myself, all for separate reasons.
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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UnderMcHaggis 72,604 13
05/17/2009 05:17 AM
I pooped, peed, and threw up all over myself, all for separate reasons.
Is that you grandma?
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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UnderMcHaggis 72,604 13
05/19/2009 06:16 AM
Bumped, because page two is just for poo.
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0 votes
0.0
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UnderWhelmed 72,604 13
05/28/2009 06:37 PM
bump
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0 votes
0.0
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WhereWolf? 72,604 13
10/31/2009 06:35 AM
bumped for Halloween - I actually forgot I ever wrote about this until I realized I had it bookmarked. Weird.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Frogpop 154,887 12
10/31/2009 07:27 AM
I missed it last time around. Good job!
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0 votes
0.0
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WhereWolf? 72,604 13
10/31/2009 04:58 PM
Good job? At dressing like a slut, or at scarring my younger sibling for life?
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Yuoaman 98 1
11/04/2009 08:37 PM
A little from column A, and a little from column B?
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.5
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UnderSpiced Rum 72,604 13
11/22/2009 03:27 AM
Wow. I was standing in line with my daughter so she could meet Santa this afternoon, and the Wart's Up chick was actually there behind me! I saw her first, but couldn't think of how I knew her. Then all of a sudden, she noticed me and shouted out, "You're _____'s sister!" Immediately, I knew who she was and I actually had to bite my tongue, because I almost answered, "You're that chick with herpes!"
Instead, I just said, "you're right!"
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