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 This is a tale of skin deformity. Not a wart, nay, but a skin tag.
Skin tags are those little hangy things that cling to your grandfather's neck like Play-doh.
For those of you who, like me, can barely resist picking lint off strangers' clothes, they are infuriating. They look like you could just reach out and PLUCK THE DAMN THINGS OFF! CAN'T YOU SEE SOMETHING IS HANGING OFF OF YOUR BODY THAT SHOULDN'T BE THERE??
But I digress.
A few years ago, I had locked myself in the bathroom doing girly things when I noticed a small lump on the upper part of my inner thigh. It made me curious, but not alarmed, and I dismissed it. A few days later, however, I noticed that it had grown into a full-fledged skin tag.
Not my skin tag, but you get the idea.
I was in my mid-twenties! How could I have SKIN TAGS already? GROSS!
After spitting out the little bit of vomit I threw up in my mouth, I closely examined the piece of skin. It was definitely larger than before and hurty. Since band-aids fix EVERYTHING, I applied a band-aid carefully over the hurty tag and tried to continue with my life. However, over the next few days, the hurty skin tag kept hurting and continued to grow until it was balloon-shaped and about the size of a large sweet pea.
(See how I'm using cute terms to off-set the gross-ness? You're welcome.)
I attempted amateur surgery to determine if I could get rid of it, but I'm too much of a wuss to actually pierce my own skin.
My mind started rebelling. Everywhere I went, everything I did was interrupted by the thought that I had something attached to my skin that SHOULD NOT BE THERE! Everything in my being screamed, "ABORT! MUST REMOVE! PICK IT! POKE IT! GET RID OF IT!"
Finally I couldn't stand it anymore. I went to the local Urgent Care Clinic to have it looked at. After waiting approximately 16 hours, an elderly female doctor with a nasty disposition finally entered the exam room.
She looked something like this.
She looked at my chart, looked back at me with a expression that read 'Kill me now', and said, "You have a balloon on your thigh?"
I pulled my jeans down and pointed at the band-aid like a 4-year-old. "It hurts!"
At this point, I feel it necessary to emphasize how much of a wuss I really am. I don't like needles, I can't have my blood drawn without passing out, I can't watch gorey movies or surgery shows on TV and I sure as hell can't handle seeing my own blood beyond that of a papercut.
"Remove the band-aid, please." said the doctor in a tone reminiscent of Ben Stein.
I slowly peeled the band-aid off to reveal that the balloon that had been attached to my leg was OOZY AND HANGING HALFWAY OFF MY LEG AND DANGLING ONLY BY A PIECE OF SKIN!
The doctor reached out to touch it and I screeched at her "NO! DON'T TOUCH IT! OHMYGOD!!!"
She left me hyperventilating on the exam table, and returned with a nurse and a pair of tiny surgical scissors. The nurse leaned over to look at the horror hanging off my leg and before I could say a word, the doctor lashed out like a stroke of lightning and snipped the damn thing right off.
I was so shocked I couldn't speak. The nurse calmly put the now-departed piece of me in a vial and labeled it while the doctor explained to me that while it may have looked bad, it was just a skin tag and they'd send it to the lab for testing just to make sure.
Then she gave me a lollipop and put a Snoopy band-aid on my leg.
My leg didn't hurt anymore, but I limped all the way to the car anyway.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
11 votes
4.8
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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Fratberry
05/13/2009 04:09 PM
1: Grab some fingernail clippers
2: Well, that's pretty much it
Kchwussy.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Cruz : Breast Enthusiast
05/13/2009 04:17 PM
And where would this vial be now ?
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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KChiki - Flu Free! (knock on wood)
05/13/2009 05:06 PM
And where would this vial be now ?
Probably being used to create KClones.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Fratberry
05/13/2009 05:18 PM
Mmm... taggyyyy...
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Jeeni Beanie
05/13/2009 05:52 PM
I had a dark brown "beauty mark" under my arm that grew into a skin tag. To avoid always nicking it while shaving, I took scissors and just cut it off. It's a beauty mark again.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Ravos is the impostor
05/13/2009 05:59 PM
You know what I've noticed? Beauty marks are rarely beautiful.
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Funny
4 votes
3.2
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Whistler
05/14/2009 03:12 AM
Am I the only one who got a semi from Kchiki's story?
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.7
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Chit
05/14/2009 12:04 PM
Nope!!
I was looking to "tag" something too.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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KChiki - Flu Free! (knock on wood)
05/14/2009 12:14 PM
I copied and sent this to a friend via email yesterday. This morning, I had an email from her saying, "Funny stuff! Did this really happen to you??"
If I have to see you face-to-face, it never happened. Otherwise, yes.
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0 votes
0.0
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John Hargrave
05/14/2009 07:05 PM
Brilliant. I especially enjoyed the photos.
Linked from the homepage.
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Whistler
05/16/2009 12:37 AM
You know what I've noticed? Beauty marks are rarely beautiful.
I take umbrage at this remark. My dear wife, EJ, has quite a number of beauty marks. She has so many, in fact, that one of my pet names for her is Dottie. Many of these are on her arms. They are small, quite dark, and just slightly raised. Once in a while I start counting them, just to annoy her. Occasionally I pretend to be reading braille on her arm. And one time, while she was sleeping, I numbered a bunch of them with a fine point sharpie so that when she woke up I could suggest we play follow the dots.
My daughter has one, just one, of these little beauty marks. It's in a place that is now only visible when you change her diaper, and depending on certain trends in style, will not always be visible even to those who eventually get into her panties, if you know what I'm saying. For the first six months or so, I kept trying to clean it off with baby wipes, thinking it was poop. Even the pediatrician had to comment, "Nice place for a beauty mark, Bridget!."
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Naughty but KChiki.
05/18/2009 12:01 PM
I have a beauty mark beside my nose that used to be dark when I was little. It's lightened up enough now that you barely see it, but it's still there.
Yeah, I see you!
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Naughty but KChiki.
05/28/2009 01:42 PM
BUMP for the end of the month!
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