You want to wax WHAT??!
A comedy article
by Pinklady29  106  1
05/19/2009 02:54 AM 3860 views
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So, I had just finished finals my senior year of college and, as a treat to myself, I decided to make an appointment to get my first ever bikini wax. I had the flu for the 3 days leading up to the appointment, but that morning I woke up feeling pretty good and decided to just go ahead with it.
On the way to the salon I started to have that all-too-familiar warmth in my abdomen and nausea began to creep up my body. So, I ran into a Starbucks and got sick for roughly 15 minutes. I seriously debated about whether or not to cancel, but since I felt much better after that last bout, I forged on. I collected myself, swished around some mouthwash from my purse, and went into the salon.
The hot wax of death.
After 10 of the most painful minutes of my entire life, the Asian wax Nazi tells me to "flee ovah." I look at her blankly and say, "Flee ova? What do you mean?"
Exasperated, she says louder ... "FLEE OVAH!" Then she forcefully turns me onto my stomach.
Please note that I am completely naked at this point. I am very confused since I had always believed my vagina to be in the front. I turn my head to look at her and say, "Why am I on my back???"
She says, "You Choose bazillion wax, no?"
Bazillion? Did I accidentally sign up for a bazillion waxes? Wait ... is that even an actual number? (light bulb moment) "OH you mean BRAZILIAN wax! Yes ... I did sign up for that. Which brings me back to my question ... why am I on my stomach??"
She says, "Bazallion wax is ebedeesing" and motions to my ass.
Another method for the procedure.
Terror began violently coursing through my veins as I mentally kicked myself for only skimming the Information packet which included an in-depth break down of each procedure.
"It's OK Kim ... you have gotten this far. How much worse could your ass feel than your bageeen, right??" So I resigned to it, put my face on the pillow, and braced for the first strip of satin to be ripped from my flesh.
2 minutes later ... nothing. Asian Nazi gets up and leaves the room. Does she not like my butt?? Does she think my thighs are too fat to wax? Do I smell???????? Oh God I must really be grotesque for my waxer to get up and walk out on her ... I just figured that since she was paid, she HAD to stay. Guess not.
Oh! Nazi Waxer walks back into the room holding a white box and singing sweetly to herself. Glad someone is in a chipper mood while I am lying here completely exposed with half my vagina waxed and my ass in the air.
So she opens the mysterious box and out comes a smaller package. I can't quite read it from here but I could SWEAR it says Baby Wipes. She walks in closer and it becomes clear that she IS holding a giant package of Johnson & Johnson baby wipes. She precedes to take a fistful of these and wipe out my ass. Like an infant.
I, clearly confused, ask her if this is normal procedure for a Brazilian wax. She replies, "Nope". Awesome. I can count on my hand how many times I have actually been at a loss for words. This was one of those times.
UPDATE: Kim immediately aborted procedure and quickly threw on her clothes looking as though she just escaped a deadly pubic brush fire with only minor cuts and burns. She left the salon. And never returned.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
19 votes
4.3
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0 votes
0.0
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Thud 53,122  10
05/19/2009 03:09 AM
Wall O' Text strikes again!
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0 votes
0.0
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Thud 53,122 10
05/19/2009 03:12 AM
Anyway, did your photographer post the pics anywhere?
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Pants 12,163 13
05/19/2009 03:29 AM
So, I had just finished finals my senior year of college and, as a treat to myself, I decided to make an appointment to get my first ever bikini wax...
A treat? I'm confused. Are you masochistic?
If you are, I know of a few great S&M clubs in Atlanta.
Hit me up kiddo.
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0 votes
0.0
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John Hargrave 116,625 19
05/19/2009 02:29 PM
I thought it was brilliant, and I added spacing.
Five ZUGZ UP!
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0 votes
0.0
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John Hargrave 116,625 19
05/20/2009 02:29 PM
I've also added photos and linked from today's homepage.
Thanks to Al for the butt graphic. I knew it would come in handy.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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There's only one Ditdah 115,023 10
05/20/2009 04:43 PM
I thought it was brilliant,
That's because you're a guy. Guys will see this as a comedy article (or some preverted turn-on.) All the females in the audience are going to see this as a horror story.
*shudder*
Glad you survived it, Pinklady! And thanks for the contribution - I have another thing to add to my "experiences I can galdly live without" list.
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0 votes
0.0
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Lobster is Still Waiting for Godot 9,797 9
05/20/2009 05:22 PM
Crybaby. It hurts less the more often you do it. Kind of like anal.
I actually have an appointment to get waxed next week. Seeing as the fetus is going to emerge any day now, I figured a slightly uncomfortable procedure would spur contractions and I could get back to whoring myself out for shoe money my regular duties as Trae's replacement GAB's most annoying GABber much sooner than anticipated.
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Hilarious
8 votes
4.4
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The Mailman 130,735 14
05/20/2009 06:29 PM
Seeing as the fetus is going to emerge any day now
You're pregnant?!?!?!?!
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0 votes
0.0
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TheVelveTurd 4,931 3
05/20/2009 07:06 PM
First, a new text editor that my spellcheck actually works in. Now John is formatting an adding pics to our articles? Awesome. The new Zug just keeps getting better and better.
Not hatin', her content and style was good.
"I, clearly confused, ask her if this is normal procedure for a Brazilian wax. She replies, "Nope". Awesome. I can count on my hand how many times I have actually been at a loss for words. This was one of those times."
Priceless
Just sayin'.
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0 votes
0.0
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Thatsgreat2345 25 2
05/20/2009 07:36 PM
Doo doo baby
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Funny
9 votes
3.6
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The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy, Jr. 176,041 10
05/20/2009 07:38 PM
Things I've gleaned from this story.
Your first wax was after your senior your of college, and you have a poopy butthole.
This leads me to believe you had an afrocrotch throughout your university years, and either you're so fat you can't wipe yourself, you have T-Rex arms, and/or the wiping stick is not long enough.
If Ditdah is the worst lesbian ever, you are her heterosexual counterpart.
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0 votes
0.0
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scatterbraintv 0 1
05/20/2009 08:03 PM
a similar thing happen to me except it was at an Asain spa and she was wiping up something else.
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0 votes
0.0
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Lobster is Still Waiting for Godot 9,797 9
05/20/2009 11:10 PM
Use your grammar, scatterbrain. It makes my eyes bleed otherwise.
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0 votes
0.0
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The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy, Jr. 176,041 10
05/22/2009 01:36 AM
Dear John,
I realize you are trying to turn ZUG into a more "people friendly" site, but a warning for my previous post in this thread? Really?
Fine, I'll apologize.
Ditdah, I should have never analogized you to Pinkwhomever. You are far superior in so many ways.
Signed,
Me
P.S. Anal O'Jized were be a great porn name.
P.P.S. Heh, anal.
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0 votes
0.0
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TheVelveTurd 4,931 3
05/22/2009 01:40 AM
Oh look who's a whiny Carroll sore now!!
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0 votes
0.0
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The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy, Jr. 176,041 10
05/22/2009 01:42 AM
Oh look who's a whiny Carroll sore now!!
Your mom.
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0 votes
0.0
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The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy, Jr. 176,041 10
05/22/2009 01:44 AM
I'm not really all that whiny about it. I just thought it was funny that someone complained. Its not the first time I have received a warning.
Though it was the first time that it was delivered to me by a monkey in a tutu. And I really liked the basket of assorted chocolated that came with it.
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Amusing
3 votes
1.7
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TheVelveTurd 4,931 3
05/22/2009 01:51 AM
Uh..Big..I don't think those are chocolates.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Pubah 47,449 11
05/24/2009 07:17 AM
You want to wax what!!?
Poetic, you silly goose.
Once Kim asked for a Brazillian
to look good at the nude cotillian
Some chick talking trash
Wiped out her ass
And ther hairs she removed were bazillion
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Today's Whistler - Since 1903 141,536 23
05/24/2009 01:41 PM
Things I've gleaned from this story.
1. Fat. Daughter. Someone whose eyebrows are groomed to such an extreme did not let her whoopsiedoodle grooming get completely out of control.
2. Lose the shoulder freckles. Freckles are Chance's schtick. You need your own. Maybe overgroomed eyebrows can be yours.
3. You should date B.I.G. He's a successful attourney, and very handsome. Or at least I imagine he's handsome. I've never actually seen his face.
4. If B.I.G. really got a warning for his earlier post, then the terrorists have won.
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0 votes
0.0
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Bill the Squirrel 25,508 8
05/24/2009 02:22 PM
I have nothing but respect for a Live'r who:
1.)Is a hottie
2.)Writes well
3.)Has this link on her web site.
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0 votes
0.0
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Maruti Driver 347 6
06/24/2009 12:29 AM
Well, after waxing I imagine your wiping goes smoother, no?
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0 votes
0.0
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Dogs Akimbo 158,693 11
06/24/2009 06:54 AM
I liked it. But what the hell is ebedeesing?
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0 votes
0.0
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Maruti Driver 347 6
06/24/2009 07:44 AM
After all this talk about pulling the hairs off the bunghole, do you really want to know?
I know I don't.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.5
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Dogs Akimbo 158,693 11
06/24/2009 09:37 AM
do you really want to know?
You're new here, aren't you?
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0 votes
0.0
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Maruti Driver 347 6
06/25/2009 09:03 AM
New, but old at the same time. Does that make sense to you?
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0 votes
0.0
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nimawai 0 1
07/23/2009 08:06 PM
I'm also a bit curious as to what ebedeesing is.
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0 votes
0.0
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Whistler P. McManus 141,536 23
07/23/2009 11:02 PM
Ebedeesing is a chemical peel process in which the freckles are removed from someone's shoulders.
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0 votes
0.0
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TrouserWeasel 22 1
07/24/2009 05:22 AM
A salon owner I knows plucks out the butthairs for her stripper clients. WOOOHOOO
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0 votes
0.0
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Chance<3singing Mahna Mahna 2 Dits 168,225 11
07/24/2009 06:23 AM
Ebedeesing is a chemical peel process in which the freckles are removed from someone's shoulders.
Why on earth would someone do that??
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Whistler P. McManus 141,536 23
07/24/2009 07:21 AM
I told her she had to, because you're the only one allowed to rock shoulder freckles, baby.
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0 votes
0.0
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mandellia 36 1
08/17/2009 04:08 PM
Asian wax...terrifying!!
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0 votes
0.0
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Chance 168,225 11
08/17/2009 04:12 PM
Whistler, youre sweet talking me a lot lately. Momma likes.
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