F-ing With Facebook: Let's Make the Bible Safe for Children
A comedy article
by John Hargrave  116,491  19
05/19/2009 07:48 PM 1125 views
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 Last night my kids wanted me to read a story from their "Children's Bible." I'm a Christian, but I still have conflicted feelings about this book. I find myself censoring parts of Bible stories I don't want them to hear: you know, the details involving war, robbery, killing, infidelity, lust, jealousy, murder, or rape. Which is to say, most of the Bible.
The Biblical story of Adam and Eve starts with nudity and ends with their kids killing each other. The story of David and Bathsheba is one of the dirtiest soap operas in history. Even that longtime children's favorite, the story of Noah and the Ark, is the story of God intentionally drowning everyone on the planet, except Noah.
I usually try to steer the kids to the New Testament stories, where there's more talk of God's love. But then last night, the kids open to which story told by Jesus?
The "Good Samaritan." Thanks, Jesus! This is easy to explain! We've spent so much time trying to teach our kids non-violence -- no hitting, no pushing, use your words -- and now they're fascinated with these colorform shapes inflicting pain on each other.
I skip over this part, and flip a few chapters ahead -- and where do I land?
Wow! Terrific! Thank you, Good Books Publishing, for introducing my kids to the concepts of torture and death! This is a good book!
I've made a decision. I'm teaching my kids that God is an all-loving being. Not "all-loving, except when he destroys the planet by flood, or turns people into pillars of salt, or burns his creation with fire, or kills all the first-born babies, or drowns entire armies in the sea, or smites with mighty vengeance."
Just "all-loving."
I'm teaching them "God is love," not "God is love with an occasional psychotic outbreak." I've had girlfriends like that; I don't need a deity to know what it's like.
Personally I cut the early Bible writers a break, because they were uncivilized and did not have TBN. But if we're going to teach this stuff to our kids, we have to present God in a more humane light.
That's why we're creating a Facebook Cause to Make the Bible More Child-Friendly.
It won't be hard. Take out all the references to sex, violence, and killing. Unfortunately that leaves about a quarter of the Bible, but -- for heaven's sake! -- let's come up with a religious text we're not afraid to read to our children!
If we're going to kid-proof our airwaves and our Internet, then let's kid-proof the Bible! Join our Facebook group to see that the world's major religious leaders get the message -- and make the Good Book even better. Click here to join the cause >>
Got an idea for our next Facebook Cause? Submit it below!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.2
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Funny
4 votes
3.0
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Schticky Nipples 2,111  5
05/19/2009 10:09 PM
Why don't they just get rid of all the stuff that isn't true?
That'll leave.. well.. none of it!
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Thud 52,974 10
05/20/2009 03:09 AM
Sorry John, I'll have to pass on this one. It's goes against my religion.
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Funny
5 votes
3.6
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Dogs Akimbo 158,121 11
05/20/2009 05:19 AM
As an agnostic, I'm not really sure what I think about Facebook.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Phuc 231,135 13
05/20/2009 05:13 PM
Goddamnit, why can't God ever JUST THINK OF THE CHILDREN??!?
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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TomServo 3,733 5
05/20/2009 05:20 PM
We've spent so much time trying to teach our kids non-violence -- no hitting, no pushing, use your words --
Man, my kids are so gonna take your kids lunch money!
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0 votes
0.0
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Bill the Squirrel 25,272 8
05/20/2009 05:24 PM
Goddamnit, why can't God ever JUST THINK OF THE CHILDREN??!?
He does, this is the best "God, thinking of the children" part of the Bible.
"Withhold not correction from a child: for if thou strike him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and deliver his soul from hell." (Proverbs 23:13-14)
What, you didn't think God only abused adults did you?
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.3
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TheVelveTurd 4,928 3
05/20/2009 05:59 PM
Well, you can still teach children about the loving hands of God without going over the gory details of his shenanigans back in the early days.
Children, there exists an all seeing, all knowing, invisible man that watches every thing you do. If you don't go by the ten rules he's given. You shall burn in a lake of fire, languishing in a never ending agony for eternity.....and he loves you.....just like a son....oh yea and he let his son be tortured and killed. Just do what he said and everything will be ok.
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Hilarious
7 votes
4.0
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Professor Nutbutter 150,745 13
05/20/2009 06:43 PM
Goddamnit, why can't God ever JUST THINK OF THE CHILDREN??!?
I'm pretty sure the Catholic church has that covered.
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Side-splitting
3 votes
5.0
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Naughty but KChiki. 50,083 11
05/20/2009 07:36 PM
Children, there exists an all seeing, all knowing, invisible man that watches every thing you do. If you don't go by the ten rules he's given. You shall burn in a lake of fire, languishing in a never ending agony for eternity.....and he loves you.....just like a son....oh yea and he let his son be tortured and killed. Just do what he said and everything will be ok
It's either God or that step-father with boundary issues and alcohol problems..
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Today's Whistler - Since 1903 140,224 20
05/20/2009 11:04 PM
Turd, when we steal from George Carlin without giving credit, we make the baby Jesus cry.
Brilliant work, Sir Hargrave. I heartily endorse this product and/or service.
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0 votes
0.0
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TheVelveTurd 4,928 3
05/20/2009 11:12 PM
Roughly paraphrased with elements added. Carlin's ghost will forgive me. Nice catch though.
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0 votes
0.0
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mandellia 36 1
08/17/2009 04:13 PM
God is love with an occasional psychotic outbreak. Unhappily, it is true
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