Fear an Edd Womack ass-whoopin'
A comedy article
by Terry Massey  88  4
05/21/2009 11:36 AM 567 views
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Meet Edd Womack, an old redneck who drinks heavily, is prone to violence and often relies on "his boy" (Little Edd) for sober rides to carry out his ass-whooping threats.
One more thing about Edd -- he is a fictitious character. But to the new employees at the small-town Tennessee newspaper where I got my first job in journalism, he was very real.
No matter their first assignment -- be it a harmless feature on the local 4-H chapter or a dull city council meeting recap -- they would receive an angry call the next day from Edd.
Maybe his boy wasn't mentioned in the 4-H article or the city sewage plan was unfairly written. Regardless, every call ended with Edd "coming down there to whoop your ass."
The green reporter would get off the phone and nervously recount the call to co-workers. Little did they know it was one of us in the next office disguising our voice as Edd.
Before they ran from the office in fear we would let them off the hook and explain it was a rite of passage. They couldn't wait for the next rookie to start so they get in on the gag.
It was good harmless fun until we hired a guy named Greg, who was scared of his own shadow. He reacted so hilariously to his first Edd phone call that we couldn't let it go.
Edd must have called him five times before we convinced Greg to call Edd's bluff and dare him to come down there and whoop his ass. He got a surprise when Edd told Greg he knew where he lived, recited his address, and said him and his boy were on the way.
We knew Greg's address because he was one of our roommates in a big old house where we were holding a party that evening. We told him not to worry about it, we had enough manpower to subdue Edd and his boy. Besides, Edd never delivered on threats anyway.
So the party is getting started, Greg is finally able to relax, and one of our co-workers comes up through our dark back yard, yells Edd's trademark "Yeeoow!" greeting and hurls an empty Jack Daniel's bottle up on the back porch that shatters on the brick wall.
"This is Edd Womack, by God, and I'm coming up there to whoop some ass!" he yelled.
Greg's eyes popped out of his head. "It's Edd!" he cried. "What are we gonna do?"
A couple of guys who were in on the joke hopped the fence and tried to tackle Edd, who tossed them aside like ragdolls. "Where you hiding Greg?" Edd yelled. "C'mon out."
Greg ran inside the house and began locking the doors. Trying to calm him down and let him off easier, I told him we would sit down with ol' Edd and try to iron things out.
"Edd Womack is not coming in this house," Greg said as he asked someone to dial 911.
With that came a loud crash into the front door and Edd yelling "Open the damn door!"
I wrestled the knob away from Greg and pried open the door. Edd (aka Chip) pushed his way in, tackled Greg and everyone rolled on the floor laughing that the joke was over.
Except for Greg. He knew we had pulled a prank on him, but he still thought Edd was real. We had to explain that we were Edd and that nobody was coming to whoop his ass.
That was almost 20 years ago and all of us have moved on to larger newspapers in different cities. But with the Internet making each other's copy available at the push of a button, we still occasionally receive e-mail from a reader by the name of Edd Womack.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
8 votes
3.3
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Ravos is New & Improved 63,472  21
05/21/2009 11:45 AM
Okay, I get the point, this story, and every other work in it is trademarked. Seriously, one (tm) would have been plenty.
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0 votes
0.0
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Cruz : Always uses lube 9,993 12
05/21/2009 11:49 AM
I'm sorry, I only read the first three lines and gave up because I was bored.
Gave you some Zugz for doing all that typing though, good for you !
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Today's Whistler - Since 1903 186,130 44
05/21/2009 01:05 PM
We value all submissions, but since you couldn't be bothered previewing and correcting the formatting, yours will be valued mostly as fertilizer.
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0 votes
0.0
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TBUZZ 88 4
05/22/2009 10:43 AM
Sorry, I will never cut and paste again.
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0 votes
0.0
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John Hargrave 128,751 73
05/26/2009 10:19 AM
I cleaned up the formatting.
I actually think the story is funny, could use some pictures and it would be an outstanding prank!
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0 votes
0.0
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Cruz : Always uses lube 9,993 12
05/26/2009 10:31 AM
Having actually read that story now I can't believe the person that wrote it actually works in the media.
I assumed he'd been in some gruesome farming accident where his fingers were all smashed and mangled and the only way he could communicate was by mashing the keyboard until something legible came out.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Ravos is New & Improved 63,472 21
05/26/2009 10:50 AM
I actually think the story is funny, could use some pictures more cowbell and it would be an outstanding prank!
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
05/26/2009 05:26 PM
I thought it was funny.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Edd Womack 211,594 32
05/26/2009 09:44 PM
I swear to Gawd I'm gonna come over there and whoop your lyin' ass for writing this mendacious crap about me, you sonofa goat-diddlin' hoar!
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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BC Bud 13,792 15
05/26/2009 10:33 PM
John Hargrave
05/26/2009 10:19 AM I cleaned up the formatting.
I actually think the story is funny, could use some pictures and it would be an outstanding prank
Well what the hell do you know about comedy??????
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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BC Bud 13,792 15
05/26/2009 10:34 PM
ummm Sir...
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