My Day in a Mental Institution
A comedy article
by Pinklady29  106  4
05/22/2009 08:40 AM 331 views
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So, the theme of my fellow actors recently is "Oh crap, what should I do with my life now?" It hasn't occurred to us that we may eventually have to make money and support ourselves. I mean, how DARE my parents tell me I need to stop living off their payroll! I'm only 29!!
I did some thinking and realized that I've always gravitated toward crazy people. I'm in theater after all, so quantities are not scarce. I decided that I'd heal the crazies, thus saving the world from ultimate destruction. I was on such a high from this revelation that I triumphantly volunteered with the New York State Psychiatric Hospital and was assigned to help adolescents.
The New York Psychiatric Hospital.
I walk in the door and announce, "I am Kim! And I am here!" A wad of paper is hurled at my head.
Over the course of the day, it was less "tears of joy/changing lives" and more "verbal assaults and things thrown at my body" (including but not limited to spitballs, gum, books, an orange).
Typical conversation:
Kim: Can I help with your homework?
Emerson adolescent: Go Frost yourself
Kim: OK
Fortunately, there was an opening in a different unit conducting patient interviews. Here's my first conversation on schizophrenia ward:
Kim: What do you to in your free time? Read books? Magazines?
Schizo: No, they won't let me have them here
Kim: Really?? That seems odd.
Schizo: I tend to make them into weapons and put people in the hospital. [Note that I'd given him paper and a pen ... which I found out later he also "tends" to use to stab people with]
Kim: [Frantically looking around for closest exit]
Schizo: [Sensing my terror] Oh, don't worry ... I haven't done that in over a week.
Kim: What do you like to do for fun?
Crazy #2: I don't
Kim: You don't like to have fun?
Crazy: No
Kim: Me neither. Fun sucks.
Crazy: [Silence]
Kim: I find that vodka helps.
Crazy: We're not allowed to have vodka
Kim: [Realizing she shouldn't be promoting alcoholism to a depressed person] Um, I was kidding ... crack is MUCH better. I mean, crack is whack
Crazy: [Blinks in silence]
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
7 votes
3.4
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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peoriagrace 6,166  11
05/22/2009 10:18 AM
Jeez you're so sanctimonious I want a pen to stab you with.
When ever I visit family in the psych ward I bring a pizza, games, and actually talk like a person to another person.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
05/22/2009 11:41 AM
Have you met my wife?
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0 votes
0.0
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Ravos is New & Improved 63,472 21
05/22/2009 11:56 AM
I guess John deleted my comment because he didn't like it. Or maybe I'm just going insane.
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.2
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MungChamp 35,891 35
05/22/2009 12:27 PM
So a Chinese guy and his wife are in bed together when he turns to her and says "I wanna sixty-nine." She says "Why you wanna beef and broccoli now?"
Clearly I didn't bother to read the thread.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.5
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TheVelveTurd 6,553 10
05/22/2009 12:36 PM
Kim, you are quite the empathizer. If this whole movie star thing doesn't work out you could make such a difference in the mental health care industry.
Future visits might go something like this.
Kim: So, you've got a pretty big forehead there. Does that make it difficult to find hats that fit.
Tard: I like cats.
Kim: Me too, but I bet its hard to pet cats with your hands all bent weird.
Tard: They told me I coulnt go to da baffoom in da sink again or won't get any more jolry ranchers.
Kim: Did they say anything about doing it the trashcan?
Tard: That's where da cats gooo. Hah hah.
Kim: Say Mongo, do you know where the nice doctor lady keeps the medicine.
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0 votes
0.0
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Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
05/22/2009 12:38 PM
Quit bashing on John's Kim's article.
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
05/23/2009 02:14 AM
Have you met my wife?
No, I haven't had any realitives in the ward for 2 yrs. Not that some of them don't belong there.
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0 votes
0.0
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Lobster is Still Waiting for Godot 18,570 33
05/23/2009 05:20 PM
I spent 6 days in a mental hospital once. But I was a patient there, so I don't think my story is relevant at all.
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0 votes
0.0
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Dr. manhole 21,656 29
05/23/2009 07:52 PM
I spent 6 days in a mental hospital once. But I was a patient there,
Well that explains things.
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0 votes
0.0
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Just Plain Jeeni 47,804 51
05/23/2009 09:19 PM
You really can't help crazy people. You can, however find out if they are savant and profit off their crazy asses.
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
05/24/2009 12:17 AM
You really can't help crazy people.
Of course you can Jeeni; you can always tell them new ways to off themselves and or buy them the supplies.
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