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When I was in junior high, I became obsessed with this notion that to be living life to the fullest was to be doing things no ordinary person would do. So, when I was 13 years old, I left my own feces in the book return chute at the local library.
Now, this particular library was my favorite place in the world. I had no grudges with anyone there. But they had a little pull-down door you could open on the outside of the building, just like the pull-down door on a U.S. mailbox. And to leave one of my own turds in there... well, that would be noteworthily unusual, no? So I gathered some of my friends from school at my house one day and put a Tupperware bowl in our downstairs toilet to float there like a little round boat. I squatted over it, but just then I noticed the Tupperware was doing a lot of drifting around. The process became kind of a Zen exercise in aim and timing. But I nailed it. I left a fat, wet, warm log in there and quickly sealed it. And they're not kidding that those bowls are air-tight, you couldn't smell a thing. I've often thought I might be a spokesperson for Tupperware, testifying that these little suckers could safely lock away even the scent of my own stool.
Anyway, my friends and I brought the bowl up to the book return chute, just after the library had closed. I looked around to make sure no one was looking, pulled open the lid and dumped the contents into the mail shoot. Now normally, when you leave books in there, you can hear them THUMPITTY WUMP WUMP down into the book bin inside. But I heard nothing, so I'm guessing the contents I'd left in there just kind of took a slow slide. The next day, there was a lock on the book return and a sign there that read, "BOOK RETURN CLOSED DUE TO VANDALISM."
Now there are a lot of questions that arise from this story. First, why did I do this to the place I liked so much? Sometimes we hurt the ones we love? My conscious reason--the thing I told myself at the time--was that this was a hilarious prank, something crazy to tell people about, and in fact, I'm doing that now.
But it didn't stop there. A couple years later I did it to a boy I was in love with. He was named Damon. This little guy might as well have been a teddy bear he was so cute. But I couldn't tell him how I felt about him. He was almost surely straight and I was in the closet. So I mailed him my poop. One day at lunch, he was teasing me about my chemistry grades. I finally told him, "Damon. Keep that up and I'll mail you my poop." He kept it up.
I put the Tupperware in a shoebox and wrapped it like any other package, put a false return address on it and waited in line at the post office. Now, today this is the kind of thing you might end up on a terrorist watch list for doing. And for good reason. I had taken the time to think how being on the receiving end of a package like that could be really upsetting in all sorts of ways. And sure enough, Damon did not want to speak to me at school the next Monday. I was instantly drowning in guilt and remorse. I told my friends, "He must have taken it the wrong way!" People told me that he was thinking of getting back at me. I also learned his mother had been standing over him when he opened it. He said that before they could even see what it was, the stench hit them in the face like a freight train. In his state of shock, he dropped the greasy contents on the kitchen floor.
Damon later decided not to get back at me. He said he didn't think it wise to get in a mudslinging match with a guy whose first move was to skip the mud outright and move straight to Shakespeare. At least with the package, there was the hint that, in my conscious mind at least, I was only pranking him. On top of the lid of the Tupperware was a lovely little card I made that said, "Enjoy the cookies!"
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
16 votes
4.3
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Redwing 3,887  30
05/23/2009 08:14 PM
When determining retardation in young children, one of the first clues that a child is in fact a window-licker is if they play with their own Shakespeare... just sayin'.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Just Plain Jeeni 47,804 51
05/23/2009 09:15 PM
Well written, man. I wouldn't Frost with you. I also hope you never 'like' me. Best wishes on Zug, KevinAllison.
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0 votes
0.0
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Lobster is Still Waiting for Godot 18,570 33
05/23/2009 10:28 PM
Impressive for a first-timer. *
*If you need a pick-me-up ever, my little brother is for rent. He's in the US Navy, so you know he's good for it. Normally he goes for $20, but for you, $19.78. Don't say I never did you any favors.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
05/24/2009 12:29 AM
Yeah, sometimes I just don't understand this place. I tell a perfectly great story about a poop knife and get lamblasted. This guy is actually cruel to people who've done him no wrong(Librarians) and destroyed books; then is lovingly coddled.
You all are just a bunch of poop sexists.
That's right POOP SEXISTS!
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Anh is over there. 11,158 14
05/24/2009 01:46 AM
What's better than a gay poop prank gone wrong? Nice article.
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0 votes
0.0
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Today's Whistler - Since 1903 186,130 44
05/24/2009 04:07 AM
Grace dear, Kevin's article is a tale of his own adventures with poop. It's well developed and well written, and quite funny.
Your story, while interesting and poop-centric, was a third-hand telling of someone else's apocryphal story, which you related in a throwaway manner. Can you see the difference?
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Today's Whistler - Since 1903 186,130 44
05/24/2009 04:09 AM
I give you credit, though, for calling us sexists instead of saying we just hate the red man. It's switching it up like that that prevents you from becoming another Lobster.
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
05/24/2009 08:07 AM
So your saying you also like the term poop racist?
I think I may have to use this as much as humanly possible in everyday speech.
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0 votes
0.0
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Thud 68,506 19
05/24/2009 06:26 PM
Nice article. Welcome to Zug Live.
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0 votes
0.0
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
05/26/2009 05:28 AM
I'm bumping this one because the new kid deserves better than to get lost in the holiday weekend dead zone.
And because I'm bored and suffering from insomnia, ADD and poor impulse control and Yekejem won't talk to me.
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0 votes
0.0
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John Hargrave 128,751 73
05/26/2009 10:54 AM
I also thought it was very funny. I've added images to make it even funny-er.
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
05/26/2009 05:10 PM
Soo, can you guys tell that I am 98% joking on zug live; or am I not clear enough?
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
05/26/2009 05:10 PM
I didn't say you found me funny; by the way.
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
05/29/2009 05:54 AM
So your saying you also like the term poop racist?
Can you tell I take some strong medication. I meant to say poop sexist.
Oh well it's bizarely funny as poop racist.
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