The Alli Experiment
A comedy article
by John Hargrave  116,629  19
05/26/2009 01:07 AM 5473 views
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If I offered you a pill that would definitely make you lose weight, but might possibly make you poop your pants, would you take it?
Thanks to modern science, this isn't just a theoretical question anymore. This pill is called Alli, and it is available in all major drugstores as an over-the-counter, FDA-approved, pants-pooping diet aid.
I know what you're thinking. "How does this pill work?" I will explain exactly how it makes you poop your pants.
The drug is called orlistat, and it works by adhering itself to any fats that you eat, like Republicans on Rush Limbaugh. Then it prevents those fats from being digested by whisking them quickly through the digestive tract, onto your underwear.
But you have to be careful not to ingest too many fats while you're on Alli. The fact sheet lists side effects including "oily spotting" and "loose stools." Check out this actual page:
To me, this drug seemed like comedy gold. True, it was a brownish-gold, tinged with pools of yellow, but gold nonetheless.
My question was simple: how much fat would you have to consume before Alli made you accidentally soil yourself? I vowed to try the drug for ten days, eating a progressively more disgusting, fat-laden diet, and report on the results.
Dieters of the world: no need to thank me. Just throw crullers.
BUYING THE PILLS
I went to my local CVS (Crappy Value and Service) where I found the Alli in the diet supplements aisle. I was immediately impressed with the bright, friendly packaging. The word that came to mind was "slick," and not just because that's what it makes your underwear. Alli looked way more attractive than proper diet and exercise, which -- let's face it -- are not very well-marketed.
You can imagine my dismay, then, when I read the tagline on the product: "Alli helps you lose more weight than dieting alone." So apparently they still expected me to diet, which I thought was pretty naive for a drug company. I mean, the reason we take pills is to avoid suffering. The point of a diet pill is to get me out of a diet, right?
It was $50 for a 60-pill supply (which covers three meals a day for 20 days), which I gladly paid -- it was cheaper than Jenny Craig, though more expensive than having sex with Jenny Craig, which runs about 20 bucks. I got home and tore open the packaging to find a bottle of blue pills, a pill holder, and more documentation than comes with the CERN particle accelerator.
The instructions were to take one pill with breakfast, lunch, and dinner, or whenever you were going to eat fatty foods. Instead of "side effects," they call them "treatment effects," which I guess was preferable to "pants-crapping effects."
I had the perfect day to start my Alli experiment: on Saturday I was throwing a huge party for my wife's birthday, and there would be food galore. It crossed my mind that it might possibly be bad manners to poop myself while hosting a party, but I've never been one for etiquette.
Continue on to Part 2!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
13 votes
4.7
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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MungChamp 22,661  16
05/26/2009 01:44 AM
Wow, you actually did it. Kudos to you buddy.
Finish off with a nice Big Mac meal at the airport. alli is about to play 12 rounds in your stomach like Ali.
Best of luck and I can't wait.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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The Mailman 130,848 14
05/26/2009 01:56 AM
Alli sounds like the perfect dietary supplement to take with your Olestra chips.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Alarm Clock the Soft Robot 5,987 4
05/26/2009 01:56 AM
Did it say the blue thing was a pill holder? It looks suspiciously like a turd shaped plug to me. Maybe it's both. Maybe hide a few wet wipes in it. Maybe you can open it and snap a string in between it for easier removal.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Brogel 76 6
05/26/2009 01:59 AM
Does Alli have side effects? That's up to you...
Alright, I'll take the regurgutating liver cancer for 500.
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Funny
4 votes
3.5
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Thud 53,122 10
05/26/2009 02:56 AM
John, sometimes you have a Shakespearety job.
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Side-splitting
6 votes
5.0
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UnderMcHaggis 72,895 16
05/26/2009 03:40 AM
I always wanted to try alli, but since I Shakespeare myself without pills, I was afraid that it would induce a tsunami of sorts, in my shorts.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Thud 53,122 10
05/26/2009 03:51 AM
Undies, if you do try Alli, have Spicey get video of the results. I understand you can sell that kind of thing in Germany for a a bunch of euros.
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0 votes
0.0
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Analog 2,801 6
05/26/2009 03:54 AM
I tried it, I tell you these guys know how to make drugs!!!
I've tried almost everything in my day and no puff, sniff or prick could produce a bodily change in me faster then a couple of these pills before dinner!
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0 votes
0.0
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Today's Whistler - Since 1903 141,745 23
05/26/2009 04:38 AM
If I might make a suggestion, as the days go on you might want to explore the combination of Alli and panty shields, or maybe even Alli and Depends. Good luck, JeffJohn. Better you than me.
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0 votes
0.0
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Bill the Squirrel 25,550 8
05/26/2009 05:16 AM
If he takes that wart stuff before he takes Alli, he won't have to wipe the Shakespeare off his anal warts.
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0 votes
0.0
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Ravos is New & Improved 34,445 10
05/26/2009 04:48 PM
Nicely done John, I like forward to the following articles. But I'm with Whistler, you could do diaper reviews at the same time, for 2 simultaneous comedy articles.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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TomServo 3,733 5
05/26/2009 05:38 PM
"These side effects, referred to in this guide as Treatment effects"
Don't they mean "Freedom Effects".
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0 votes
0.0
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Ravos is New & Improved 34,445 10
05/26/2009 06:07 PM
The only thing it frees is the contents of your bowels.
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0 votes
0.0
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Lobster is Still Waiting for Godot 9,804 9
05/26/2009 07:17 PM
I took Alli when it was still a prescription pill called Xenical. I had Taco Bell for lunch one day and Shakespeare my pants for almost an hour. This is not going to go well for you, John.
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0 votes
0.0
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Bayan Rabbani 1,673 3
06/11/2009 01:49 AM
This is fooping incredible.
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0 votes
0.0
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Dogs Akimbo 158,769 11
06/11/2009 03:10 AM
Stop saying that.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Pants 12,163 13
06/11/2009 03:51 AM
This is fooping incredible.
What is fooping exactly?
It sounds like the forceful removal of a foot from your own ass using only your large intestine.
Example:
"After he threaten to put his foot up my ass, and successfully did so, I fooped it on the floor."
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0 votes
0.0
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mandellia 36 1
08/19/2009 01:13 PM
I'm on diet for fear that I poop oil...nice.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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subhuman 535 2
08/19/2009 11:33 PM
Given the amount of grease Americans consume on a daily basis, if the government would subsidize Alli, it's possible we could be energy-independent within a few months. This oil would be somewhat cruder than the usual kind, but still...
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