The Alli Experiment, Part 2
A comedy article
by John Hargrave  116,629  19
05/26/2009 06:22 PM 4023 views
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I embarked on a ten-day experiment on the diet pill Alli, which keeps your body from digesting fats, with possible side effects including "oily spotting" and "frequent stools which may be hard to control." My question was: how much fat would I have to consume before accidentally soiling myself? [Read Part 1 here.]
I began my ten-day experiment with a weigh-in: 152.5 pounds. I don't need to lose weight, because I try to eat right and exercise as a general lifestyle -- things I would not be doing while taking the Alli. It is worth explaining my usual diet to you, so that you can appreciate the massive dietary shift I made for this experiment.
A year ago, I embraced the Eat to Live diet by Dr. Joel Fuhrman, which is based on the two rules most dieters fear most: common sense and nutrition. Here are the guidelines I follow:
- Eat as many fruits and vegetables as possible. I try for four fruits a day, and eat a variety of beans and greens. (I sometimes refer to it as the "beans 'n' greens diet.")
- Salad is the primary dish for lunch and dinner. This means I eat a huge-ass salad almost every meal, with a side of something. Often beans.
- Whole grain cereal with fruit is the primary dish for breakfast. I make something called the "Hargrave porridge," which is an enormous bowl of oatmeal with fruits and nuts.
I eat this for breakfast, every single day.
- For snacking, I stick with fruits, nuts and seeds. Often I pretend I'm a squirrel.
- I avoid dairy, breads, carbs, processed foods, alcohol, and mescaline.
These simple rules form the foundation of my diet, and it has been life-transforming -- I feel great, I'm rarely sick, and I don't have to work hard to maintain my weight. The only downside is that the diet is expensive: it costs more to eat well.
This is a typical five-day supply of fruit for the family.
In many ways, this diet made me the perfect test case for Alli: my virgin digestive system was going to get drenched with extra-virgin olive oil.
THE FIRST TWO DAYS
I started my Alli treatment regimen the day before I threw a huge birthday party for my wife. In retrospect, this may not have been the best idea, but I figured I'd be eating plenty of high-fat food I didn't want to digest, and I was right.
This was a pate made with four types of cheese: cream cheese, brie, Swiss, and bleu. The 16 was made out of high-fat pecans. (We were celebrating the anniversary of my wife's 16th birthday.) I ate about half of this.
At left was an artichoke-spinach dip made out of cream cheese, Parmesan cheese, sour cream, and mayonnaise. After everyone left, I polished this off. Also, note the bowl of high-fat mixed nuts, which I also ate.
We had BBQ catered from a local rib joint, and we ordered way too much.
This would be my dinner for the next week.
It was an orgy of food: there was BBQ beef, BBQ chicken, BBQ pork, macaroni and cheese, greasy sausages, onions sauteed in butter, cole slaw bathed in mayonnaise, and four types of pie. I ate continually and incessantly throughout the party, praying the Alli would do its job (but not before everyone left, since crapping on your guests is a mild faux pas).
At one point, I felt a little gassy, but I let it slide.
That evening, as I disrobed for bed, I found exactly what I had let slide. I took a picture of my underwear, which had begun the "oily spotting" that the Alli manual had warned me about:
Yes, this was one slick drug, but it was about to get slicker.
Continue on to Part 3!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
9 votes
4.6
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Bill the Squirrel 25,535  8
05/26/2009 06:34 PM
You had me at, "Often I pretend I'm a squirrel."
But, you lost me again at the tighty whiteys.
Still, I can't wait for part 3.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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MungChamp 22,656 16 Throws up in my mouth
05/26/2009 06:43 PM
I don't know if I am more disturbed with the drug or that fact that you wear tighty witey's.
Actually, I think we need a control pair of undies for this experiment. Who's to say you don't streak all your Fruit of the Looms?
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Ravos is New & Improved 34,425 10
05/26/2009 06:43 PM
I am anxiously waiting to see how you can up the ante from that much meat.
Damn, those ribs are making me hungry.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Lobster is Still Waiting for Godot 9,801 9
05/26/2009 07:22 PM
I'm telling you, John, it gets painful. You can't ignore gas when you're on this stuff unless you want to have to throw away your underwear and favorite pair of jeans. It's never just gas.
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Funny
4 votes
3.0
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Schticky Nipples 2,135 5
05/26/2009 08:59 PM
Well it looks like you're going to have to give up coughing and sneezing for a while.
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0 votes
0.0
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Cruz : Always uses lube 8,597 6
05/26/2009 09:22 PM
Don't give us that Shakespeare, John, just come right out with it.
The party was a sweet sixteen for your Filipino housemaids son, Manuel, and you're trying to slim down to get him to notice you so you can ditch that fat sack of ass you've been hauling around all these years and start hitting that fine, jail-bait, malay booty, right ?
You were just forcing all that meat into your body as practice for when he comes to his senses and agrees to elope with you and starts filling you with his own spicy sechuan sausage.
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0 votes
0.0
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OMG it's not CHEEZE 0 2
05/26/2009 09:22 PM
wow
going from vegetarian hell straight to the carnivore heaven!
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0 votes
0.0
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Dead Pussy 213 2
05/26/2009 11:10 PM
John, I think the true test of your manhood will be to "HOLD IN" the oily spotting and possible anal discharge that often comes along with this pill. I think your next experiment should be...The Buns of Steele Experiment in which you have to see how long you can hold your "cheeks" together at the first sign of any "treatment effects". How 'bout it John?? Are you up for it??
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0 votes
0.0
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Pants 12,163 13
05/26/2009 11:59 PM
John has proven, once again and without a doubt, that poop is funny.
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0 votes
0.0
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Thud 53,122 10
05/27/2009 03:04 AM
The party was a sweet sixteen for your Filipino housemaids son, Manuel, and you're trying to slim down to get him to notice you so you can ditch that fat sack of ass you've been hauling around all these years and start hitting that fine, jail-bait, malay booty, right ?
Cruz, if you look carefully at some of the past pranks you will find pictures of John's wife. John's fine looking, well built wife.
No offense John, someone just needed to set him straight (on you being straightish).
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0 votes
0.0
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Whistler P. McManus 141,665 23
05/27/2009 09:10 AM
"Screw my red shirt - get me my brown pants!"
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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TBUZZ 88 1
05/27/2009 06:05 PM
Thanks for making me laugh so hard I soiled my drawers, but at least they were boxers and not grippers. Also, thanks for cleaning up the copy in my first entry (Fear an ass-whooping from Ed Womack). Hope you can do as good a job cleaning up your underwear.
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0 votes
0.0
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Ravos is New & Improved 34,425 10
05/27/2009 06:10 PM
Sorry to say it John, but this was a Shakespearety article.
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0 votes
0.0
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Gonzo 17,604 12
05/27/2009 07:55 PM
That's quite a coincidence, John, because I often pretend you're a squirrel, too.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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The Purr in Purulent 979 4
05/31/2009 11:03 AM
Even though everyone else seems opposed, I forgive you for the tighty whities. They don't put it in the package insert, but the wearing of boxers is contraindicated with use of Alli. Those who try, like a bloke at my office did, end up with greasy yellowish-brown socks and a pay deduction for carpet-cleaning expenses.
Fruit-of-the-Looms buy you a few extra seconds on the way to the thunderbox if the leg-hole elastic is up to snuff, and as an added bonus, you get to Shakespearestain those tiny images of the squirrel food you had been eating before.
As to other underwear varieties, I'm uncertain. Perhaps you should wear your usual thong underwear while on Alli. Would make for interesting seat-cushion seepage patterns. Call it a Shakespeareshach test. Please post pictures.
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