F-ing Upwards: Part One
A comedy article
by Ghost of Lectricity | 05/27/2009 01:17 PM | 183 views
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This is not a story about Suze Orman, that brassy money pundit all over TV. Suze's just something I saw one crack of dawn boarding a flight from New York to San Francisco. She sure was amber. She sat in first class like a bronze shrine to a Yukon potato. And her 'do just roared The Lion King. As I squeezed by, she was whispering to a friend, "You go girl!" The picture of vehemence. I took this as a sign that I too should go somewhere, so it was a fine time to be in a plane. But the trip was not all Hakunah Matata.
She's actually this color, in real life.
I felt stage fright. There was a show to do that night at the San Francisco Sketchfest. But what kind of mess is nervous so many hours before his foot hits the stage? I sat there listening to recordings of my voice in my earphones saying the same things repeatedly. This would be the first time I'd perform a one-man show outside of New York and when I'm nervous about a show, I bob to my iPod, mouthing lines I've mouthed a thousand times. An old Asian man in my row flashed a frightened smile. Probably wondering where some nurse had made off to without Rain Man.
I wasn't proud this would be a first for me. I'm 38. When I was 23, 24, 25, my comedy troupe The State had our own TV show. But the others in the group spent their years 26 and up taking planes places, doing shows. For over a decade they'd been making new TV shows, meeting stars, directing films, collecting sacks of cash. What I did to those years was more like what Hamlet did to his first four acts. I hemmed and hawed and half-assed my way through wasted days of foot-dragging, drinking and cater-waitering.
I'm the one yelling.
To be drunk and broke, or--
Hold on, can I can afford another beer?
But in my mind, on the way to San Francisco, I was beginning to begin again. I just had to be. Some people get more than one big break, don't they?
So I'd written this show called F*** Up. I wrote what I knew. In it, there's a sailor who sunk his ship, a Vaudevillian who botched every role, a monster who can do no harm--you get the picture. I loved these guys. I made sure they were men of action. I hoped that in creating them, I was a man of action. There were six dates at The Peoples Improv Theater in New York in November of '08. I spent $2000 on a publicist, about as much money as I'd ever handed anyone at once. Then one day before the show's premiere, I learned we'd sold something like three tickets.
I dialed my husband Ariel. "What's wrong?" he said. Sometimes he just knows.
I started sobbing. I was an open wound. This was really something. I hadn't cried in front of someone (or, in this case, in front of a phone they were connected to) in at least eight years.
But the next night, the show turned out okay. Not spectacular, but okay. People did show up. It got a little better every time.
Two months later, well... this would be make or break time. This time, the thing had to be a lot better. Now, I was taking it somewhere. And by it, I mean me.
I touched down in San Francisco frazzled but finally made it to The Eureka Theatre for tech rehearsal -- the show itself would follow. The place was old and big. There were no more than 200 seats, but the ceiling was in the air traffic zone. Everything was exposed concrete. I saw myself having to shout the show.
"Are you Kevin?" said... something. It came from the tech booth.
[Continue on to part 2!]
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
7 votes
4.4
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Ravos is New & Improved
05/27/2009 01:29 PM
You do know this is a comedy site, right?
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Ravos is New & Improved
05/27/2009 01:30 PM
I mean, great job! You should add some pictures though!
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy, Jr.
05/27/2009 01:34 PM
I didn't read that, someone give me a Cliffs Notes version.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.3
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Ravos is New & Improved
05/27/2009 01:35 PM
I didn't read that, someone give me a Cliffs Notes version.
Nothing happened. Then nothing continued to happen.
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0 votes
0.0
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The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy, Jr.
05/27/2009 01:41 PM
Okay, I read the story. I remember the State, pretty funny.
You haven't really done anything in the past 12 years? Is the name of your show FAILed Life?
Are you a dude married to another dude? Or did the booth operator think you're a man?
Do you like cheese?
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0 votes
0.0
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TheVelveTurd
05/27/2009 01:50 PM
More mailing of poop and less crying into phones please.
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0 votes
0.0
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John Hargrave
05/27/2009 02:00 PM
How dare ANYONE insult a former cast member of The State!
Also, it's nice to have a sensitive male posting a story for once. (I mean, besides me.)
Looking forward to Part 2.
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0 votes
0.0
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Lobster is Still Waiting for Godot
05/27/2009 02:05 PM
Looking forward to you writing an article and posting pictures to make the words look less annoying.
Paragraph breaks are awesome, but pictures are more likely to draw attention to more readers. It's like having the choice between reading Maxim Magazine and Anna Karenina. Totally going for the one with pictures, homie.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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TheVelveTurd
05/27/2009 02:11 PM
John's just glad to have someone who's actually in the biz and not just another dipShakespeare with a keyboard and attention neediness issues writing articles. I was on a T.V. show once John, Cops: Season 4 Episode 5. (Domestic dispute)
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0 votes
0.0
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Feel the Fratberry
05/27/2009 02:15 PM
I was an open wound.
Heh.
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0 votes
0.0
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MungChamp
05/27/2009 02:16 PM
Chicken Sandwich Carl!!!!
Seriously, next to Conan O'Brien you are my favorite Red Head Gay.
Can't wait for the DVD and welcome to ZuG, Kevin!
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace
05/27/2009 04:08 PM
Hey Ravos, I thought you were funny and clickyed you.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Professor Nutbutter
05/27/2009 06:07 PM
Ignore the critics. Welcome to Zug. Glad to have you.
"She sure was amber"
I used to say that about my old girlfriend. Her name was, well, Amber.
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0 votes
0.0
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Bill the Squirrel
05/27/2009 06:22 PM
How dare ANYONE insult a former cast member of The State!
I didn't insult him. I was to busy trying to figure out what the hell he was trying to say.
Also, it's nice to have a sensitive male posting a story for once. (I mean, besides me.)
Are you trying to say I'm not sensitive you bastard?
Looking forward to Part 2.
Sure, he gets:
looking forward to part 2.
I get:
I wanted to thank you for your great article about grilling. Really
funny stuff. The only thing I can suggest for the follow up is to make it a real-life story about something that happened while grilling (rather than an observational essay). That's the kind of article we'll feature from the homepage.
You hurt me John, you hurt me real bad.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Professor Nutbutter
05/27/2009 06:35 PM
You deserve to be hurt for what you did to a great piece of steak.
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0 votes
0.0
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The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy, Jr.
05/27/2009 08:25 PM
How dare ANYONE insult a former cast member of The State!
You're right, I shouldn't knock someone that was once part of something that provided me with laughter on a regular basis.
So, um, GAB is, um...yeah.
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0 votes
0.0
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Thud
05/27/2009 10:45 PM
Interesting beginning to the story. Good luck with the rest.
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0 votes
0.0
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Bill the Squirrel
05/27/2009 11:24 PM
You deserve to be hurt for what you did to a great piece of steak.
You think you could do better, Mr. thinks he's better than everyone?
I challenge you to a steak cook off.* If your steak is better I will stop posting on Zug. If mine is better you will eat one of Prams shoes! We will pick someone who hates us both equally to judge.
*John this is a great idea for an article, When I win the pictures of Nutbutter eating a shoe will be "SIDESPLITTING"!
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0 votes
0.0
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Thud
05/27/2009 11:37 PM
Sign me up as the judge for your steak contest.
Both of you can fly out here and cook up some steaks for me. Bring some beer, too.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Whistler P. McManus
05/28/2009 02:55 AM
Also, it's nice to have a sensitive male posting a story for once. (I mean, besides me.)
Come on back to Ohio some weekend, Hargrave, and I'll show you just how Frost-ing sensitive I am.
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0 votes
0.0
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Ravos is New & Improved
05/28/2009 12:30 PM
I challenge you to a steak cook off.* If your steak is better I will stop posting on Zug. If mine is better you will eat one of Prams shoes! We will pick someone who hates us both equally to judge.
To keep things fair, we need 3 judges. I volunteer as judge the second.
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