The Alli Experiment, Part 3
A comedy article
by John Hargrave | 05/27/2009 03:54 PM | 2433 views
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I embarked on a ten-day experiment on the diet pill Alli, which keeps your body from digesting fats, with possible side effects including "oily spotting" and "frequent stools which may be hard to control." My question was: how much fat would I have to consume before accidentally soiling myself? [Read Part 1 and Part 2 here.]
DAY 3 THROUGH DAY 8
I woke up the day after my wife's birthday party with a meat hangover. I considered eating some "hair of the pig," i.e., another rib for breakfast, but first I stepped on the scale.
It was then I had my first "Alli moment" when I discovered I weighed only 151 pounds. After two days of gluttony, I had actually lost one and a half pounds.
Holy Lard.
Emboldened by Alli's innovative fat-leakage system, I vowed to redouble my efforts and eat everything in sight. Fortunately, the fridge was crammed full of leftovers, which I spent the next five days eating.
For a week, I ate something like this for every meal.
Here's a running tally of my intake:
- 2 lbs greasy BBQ beef
- 1.5 lbs greasy BBQ pork
- 13 pieces greasy BBQ chicken
- 3 lbs collard greens (made with greasy pork, so they're OK)
- 4.1 lbs mayonnaise-drenched coleslaw
- 1/2 mixed berry pie
- 1/4 pecan pie
- 2/3 of an entire cheesecake
- Assorted high-fat candy and nuts
Porker? I 'ardly knew her!
Man, these rib joints always send you so much more food than you actually need. The coleslaw was the most difficult to finish off, since we had the most left over. For the party, I had ordered food "for 25," but apparently they meant 25 Kobiyashi lumberjacks.
Eventually I started eating it right out of the catering tray.
Once I finally finished off the party leftovers, I started turning to other high-fat foods. One night we ordered the greasiest pizza in town, and I ate as much as my Alli-coated stomach could hold.
It was like an Alaskan oil tanker collided with an Italian chef.
Another day, trying to finish off the cheesecake, I experimented with frying it.
This would have been Jesus's favorite food.
Not pictured: my slowly hardening arteries.
Unbelievably, my weight stayed between 151 and 152.5 (my starting weight) the entire week. It only took one look at my underwear, though, to see where the extra weight was going.
Your underwear on Alli: Day 4
Your underwear on Alli: Day 6
Your underwear on Alli: Day 8
As the week went on, I was experiencing more and more of the Alli "treatment effects." The biggest thing they should warn you about is what I'll call "oily gas." Instead of "Alli," they really should call it "Oily."
Any sane person would have thrown in the grease-soaked towel, but I would not stop until I had wrung every last drop of comedy out of the experiment.
Continue on to Part 4!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
10 votes
4.7
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.3
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Thud
05/27/2009 06:38 PM
John, why haven't you finished painting that wall behind you?
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0 votes
0.0
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Whistler P. McManus
05/27/2009 10:47 PM
All you need are some patterned boxer shorts and there wouldn't be any side effects (I'm sorry - "treatment effects") at all.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Azz Lava
05/28/2009 04:38 AM
Does the guy with the hard hat look any familiar?
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0 votes
0.0
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Ravos is New & Improved
05/28/2009 07:36 AM
I once watched my friend devour an entire XL-pizza in a single sitting. He later puked pepperoni all over the place.
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0 votes
0.0
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Dead Pussy
05/28/2009 01:40 PM
I haven't seen underwear like that since my son was 6 years old??? (only difference, his had Batman on them) John, you need to graduate to big boy undies. How 'bout a pair of boxers??
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