F-ing Upwards: Part Two
A comedy article
by Ghost of Lectricity  808  2
05/28/2009 05:34 AM 119 views
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[Read Part One here.]
"Are you Kevin?" said... something. It came from the tech booth.
He was more like a Monet than a guy. I could barely make him out behind the window's ancient grime. He stepped out and introduced himself and his partner. They were maybe 19. Or 30. A guy named Josh and a guy named John. Or a guy named Joe and a guy named Brian. The names wouldn't stick. There was just something fuzzy about these guys. Aside from their stoner-wear and unshavenliness, I mean. They were nice enough but not exactly one thing or another. And definitely not "Moe."
The only thing I knew for sure was that my crew was supposed to be "Moe." I'd been emailing with a Moe for months--sending him or her scripts, cue lists, recordings and such. "Moe" had assured me that he or she had it all down pat. "Moe" said no need to bring my tech guy because he or she could do it all with his or her eyes closed. But James and Bob... or Phil and Frank told me that he or she, meaning "Moe," was at Harold and Maude. The festival was showing the movie and Harold himself would be there (who is not really Harold but Bud). In any case, my ambiguous crew assured me, "Everyone's going to the screening tonight!" It was the one thing about which they were exactly right.
So the rehearsal began. There was barely time to get used to the gargantuan stage and the unnerving way I really couldn't see or hear the goings on in the tech booth, but I jumped in. One of the characters in my show is a fey Southerner named Ron who fights with the voice of his gay-bashing dad in his head. Each of Pa's lines was an MP3 recording, but I'd written the directions out so clearly for "Moe," I knew it would work. We got to the place for Ron and Pa to yell back and forth. I said a line. Pa said the second half of the wrong line. I said a line. Pa said a line backwards, like the Beatles. I said a line. Pa repeated a third of the first line he'd said. The world was crumbling in real time.
"Is there a problem with the CD player?" I asked, as if the LSD I took in San Francisco fifteen years ago might have just popped by momentarily to welcome me back to town.
"What?" said Bill. Or someone.
"Every one of the sound cues was off," I said. "Is something wrong?"
The other one jumped in not a moment too soon. "Wait... What?"
The guy who had not last spoke took a stab. "Well, it's just (inaudible) of like. The thing."
I suddenly realized they looked, dressed and spoke exactly like I did that last time I was in San Francisco.
"The thing about the CD player," said the guy who was now talking, "it doesn't really tell you what track it's playing."
"I'm sorry?" I said. And I was.
"Right," said a male voice. "Or go forward a track. Or back."
I saw droplets of sweat falling from my face melting into the termite-ridden stage.
We rehearsed like that for an hour. Every time a light or sound cue was off, which was every time there was a light or sound cue, the people who weren't "Moe" said, "Won't happen again!"
Now I was trying not to think about how important this night was.
The last piece in the show is a musical number to the tune of "Ya Got Trouble" from The Music Man with three tracks of sound and an extremely tight, auctioneer-style rhythm. I'd warned "Moe" that it had even been a bit of a challenge for my old pro of a techie in New York. Going over it with Dan and Ray or Bob and Rob in the little time we had left was like trying to do your taxes in a burning building. We wrapped the whole rehearsal on one of them yelling, "Won't happen again!"
This left an hour till show time. I called my husband in New York. "First," he said, "you have to find out what kind of CD player they have. Tell them you'll run to Radio Shack if you have to." In New York, every third problem that arises in the theater is met with the reaction, "We'll run to Radio Shack if we have to!"
I ran back to the booth, the man of action. As it turned out, the Nowhere Men did not really have a CD player at all. They had the innards of a DVD player eviscerated from the belly of a PC that was no longer so much... there.
[Continue on to Part 3!]
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.0
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0 votes
0.0
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TheVelveTurd 4,931  3
05/28/2009 06:40 AM
Let's see John add pictures to that one.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy, Jr. 175,949 10
05/28/2009 07:11 AM
It wouldn't be too difficult. Just get a bunch of pictures from Trixxie and a show of a Radio Shack.
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0 votes
0.0
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John Hargrave 116,612 19
05/28/2009 02:24 PM
You had me at "He looked more like a Monet than a guy."
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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TheVelveTurd 4,931 3
05/28/2009 04:21 PM
..and lost me at blah bla blah bla blah.
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0 votes
0.0
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Ravos is New & Improved 34,260 10
05/28/2009 04:47 PM
Remarkable story! I think it could use a dash more cowbell though.
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