The Alli Experiment, Part 4
A comedy article
by John Hargrave | 05/29/2009 12:20 AM | 2798 views
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I embarked on a ten-day experiment on the diet pill Alli, which keeps your body from digesting fats, with possible side effects including "oily spotting" and "frequent stools which may be hard to control." My question was: how much fat would I have to consume before accidentally soiling myself? [Read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 here.]
DAY 9 AND DAY 10
For my next-to-last day, I popped an Alli pill, then embarked on the ultimate challenge: ordering super-size value meals at not one, but three fast food chains. This would be more than gluttony: this would be meta-gluttony.
Everyone's favorite Irish restaurant.
I started by going to McDonald's and asking for the "Morgan Spurlock." The cashier didn't know what I meant, so I asked for the Double Quarter Pounder with cheese value meal, super-size everything. It is the largest portion of food they will serve to a human in one sitting.
To give you a sense of scale, the container of blue liquid is a swimming pool.
Mile 1 of the eating marathon.
Now, I haven't eaten a McDonald's value meal in years. What got me was not how heavy the meal was, but how salty. Not even my liter of nuclear blue Powerade could quench the thirst. Maybe scientists still have to invent another level of thirst quencher which they'll call Demonade, or possibly SweetJesusThatShakespeareIsSaltyade.
Even the sign is fat.
Fortunately, there was a Burger King right across the road from the McDonald's, so I went in and ordered a Triple Whopper Value Meal, their largest. And not just any Triple Whopper, but a new item called the "Angry Whopper," which also adds mayonnaise, bacon, jalapenos, and fried onion rings to the ordinary Tripple Whopper.
It's angry, all right ... at your heart.
Note how red my face is from the massive amounts of sodium I have already consumed.
Making it through the Pissed-Off Whopper value meal was a serious effort. I've never understood why waiters always ask, "Are you still working on it?" when they really mean, "Are you still eating?" But as I laboriously chewed my 5,000th fry, I began to understand: this was work.
But finish I did, and on the way out I snuck a photo of the nutrition information poster, which showed the regular, emotionally-controlled Triple Whopper clocking in at 84 grams of fat and 1600 mg of sodium.
And this Triple Whopper has been through therapy.
I had to take a few hours, and another Alli pill, before visiting my third and final fast food restaurant: the infamous Five Guys Burgers and Fries, which has gained a cult following amongst burger connoisseurs because they let you customize a huge slab of meat with any of thirty toppings.
I asked for a burger with all thirty toppings.
They should call it "Five Guys Burgers and Thighs."
Oh my Lord, it was difficult to finish this off. It was the hardest kind of work, because the burger tasted so damned good. Five Guys had a better burger, and better fries, than McDonald's and Burger King combined. And since all three were now combined in my stomach, I should know.
Toward the end of the meal, I had what my friend Todd calls the "meat sweats." I was a mess. Huge quantities of sodium, fat, and condiments were packed into my belly like a huge fast food sausage. It occurred to me that someone could remove my stomach, fry it up, and serve it as a new fast food invention: the McHaggis.
I didn't think a single Alli could cut through this massive amount of fat, so I had a couple more when I got home. And then it was time to move onto dessert.
If this were a pie chart, it would read "PERCENTAGE OF MY HEALTH REMAINING."
Yes, all the leftover food from that massive birthday party had been eaten down to this tiny sliver of pie. Fortunately, I had an entire pint of heavy whipping cream, and the world's best whipped cream recipe.
World's Best Whipped Cream Recipe
2 cups heavy whipping cream
1 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup confectioners' sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 cup sour cream
In a mixing bowl, beat cream with confectioners' sugar, granulated sugar and vanilla until it just holds soft peaks. Add sour cream; beat until stiff peaks form. Serve with angioplasty balloon.
Fun fact: there is no difference between heavy cream, whipping cream, and heavy whipping cream.
The pie is under there somewhere.
Compared to the crap I had been eating all day, an entire pint of heavy cream seemed light and refreshing.
My epic food battle complete, I tallied the damage. By my estimate, I had eaten 6,250 calories, 6,000 mg of sodium, and a whopping 425 grams of fat!
But now for the true test: I disrobed and looked at my underwear. It looked like the Shroud of Turin, if the Messiah had been incontinent.
Your underwear on Alli: Day 9
I put on a fresh pair of undies, then fell into a deep meat coma. I needed the rest, to let my food not digest. Also, to prepare for my final challenge in the morning: after one full week on my Alli diet, I would get up and sprint one full mile.
Continue on to Part 5!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
9 votes
5.0
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Thud
05/29/2009 12:30 AM
The McHaggis?
Spicey is gonna be pissed if they really name a product that. So, I'd kinda pay to see them do it, just to enjoy his rant about it.
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0 votes
0.0
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Naughty but KChiki.
05/29/2009 12:31 AM
It's been nice knowing you, John.
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0 votes
0.0
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MungChamp
05/29/2009 12:51 AM
Great work Sir. You make crapping your pants look cool!
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0 votes
0.0
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Just Plain Jeeni
05/29/2009 01:37 AM
Nice article! The words "Pissed-Off Whopper" and "meat sweats" had me giggling uncontrollably.
The link to your soiled underpants, however, wiped my smile off quick.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Just Plain Jeeni
05/29/2009 01:37 AM
To be clear, I did not wipe my face with your poopy underwear.
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0 votes
0.0
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UnderWhelmed
05/29/2009 01:39 AM
McHaggis? Undies? You SO owe us licensing fees John!
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace
05/29/2009 10:15 AM
You can ask for more meat on any burger at the fast food places. They will just charge you more.
Very funny story.
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0 votes
0.0
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Thatsgreat2345
05/29/2009 02:22 PM
I think John is doing this just to get new undies.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Rock Lobsta- Less Rock, More Lobsta
05/29/2009 02:33 PM
You should try a Taco Bell taco salad on that stuff. It's messy. It leaks through the undies and into the back seam of your blue jeans. I commend you for your effort though.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Sethonious
05/29/2009 02:52 PM
You realize that many grams of fat is 0.96 pounds of fat. Akin to sitting down and eating 1 box of butter and leaving a tablespoon because you don't want to appear desperate. I say go for the whole she-bang. Get you a lb of butter and paint a mona lisa in your shorts. I have my fingers crossed for part 5. BUTTER!
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Schticky Nipples
05/29/2009 03:19 PM
This thing just gets better and better.
Imagine what a gallon of black cherry juice would do under those circumstances.
I drink that stuff when I get gout. I don't know what's worse, the constant Shakespearepiss or the pain of the gout.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Brogel
05/29/2009 08:17 PM
For some reason the first thing I thought was: "So that's what John's anus is shaped like."
Perhaps because it resembles calamares, but then with a nutty flavor.
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