F-ing Upwards: Part Three
A comedy article
by Ghost of Lectricity  808  2
05/29/2009 06:35 PM 107 views
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[Read Part One and Part Two here.]
I ran back to the booth, the man of action. As it turned out, the Nowhere Men did not really have a CD player at all. They had the innards of a DVD player eviscerated from the belly of a PC that was no longer so much... there. I offered to bring my laptop from my hotel. That jogged either Fred or Frank's memory. This one of the two of them had a non-vivisected laptop tucked away in his backpack. A fully functioning computer right there in San Francisco. We all laughed in relief. And since my notes for "Moe" were so exact, Jim and Tim said it would now be "no problem at all!"
I didn't want to think about not believing them. My mind was elsewhere. I'm not religious but it was one of those just-in-case-there's-a-God times to pray.
I was still doing that and stretching a few minutes later backstage when it happened.
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, there was a searing light and explosive pain. My mind reeled to piece together what was happening.
A man.
A man with a .45 magnum.
Spraying a dozen rounds into my face.
When I came to, I realized that was not really what happened. What happened was noise. My acquaintances in the booth had begun playing music for the audience entering and settling into seats. Most theater types agree that "doors open" music should be pleasant, uptempo--toe tappin' stuff you might say. But what at first felt like getting my face blown off was really just my techies playing the most nerve-shredding music Nine Inch Nails has deposited into this world at about three times the volume of the Trinity test on the bomb. And for good measure, they started a good 12 seconds into the track as they were now squarely in the habit of doing.
They say that 95% of worrying is done over things that never end up happening anyway. I'm guessing that's just not true for a lot of professions, because I know it's not true for comedians. As a comedian, your worst fear is that you will bomb--and that happens a lot of the time. You consistently find yourself in the very same position you consider your worst nightmare.
Well, about 20 people filled that 200-seat house. They sat mostly in the back. I pretty much did have to shout the show. And every single sound and lighting cue was botched worse than any of them had been in rehearsal. In fact, the whole hour felt like the retarded twin brother of the rehearsal. The character Ron has a line in the show, "Sometimes my life is like the Titanic jumpin' out the World Trade Center." So was the show.
But you know, Stan and Ollie teamed up in their late 30s. I think they knew a few things about catastrophe. Each time they begin a career in their movies, they start out with an infectious zest. And when they make a mind-boggling wreck of things, they pick up and plow on. Sometime in that performance that night, somehow in the back burners of my mind, somewhere in the Frosted up sound cues in the back and forth between Ron and his MP3 Pa, I began to feel... oddly calm. The anxiety just kind of burnt off. I felt this sort of acceptance. Almost like a Laurel & Hardy life was finally good enough for me.
The thing is, I might break my tailbone, come off like a braindead ape, cause all kinds of offense to myself and others--or, like Stan and Ollie, to hats and pianos--but I might as well continue on the path that calls. If I worked in an office, I'd Frost it up. If I worked as a garbageman, I'd Frost it up. If I worked as a comedian, I'd Frost it up--already have, really--but it's the one route I believe I might just Frost up upwards. George W. Bush Frosted up all the way to the White House. And he didn't stop there. Hell, he's still got enough fans to make a killing just from the T-shirt sales.
The difference between myself and the other guys in The State who spent those crucial years of their late 20s through their mid-30s doing stage shows is that, approaching 40, they've now finally grown used to facing the fear and accepting their trainwreck moments rather than obsessing over them. It's not about big breaks. You show up enough, winning or losing, you slowly start to reap the reward. You're remembered. Through it all that night, I sure as hell knew I wasn't killing, but I wasn't dying either. I felt alive. Not great, not terrible. But present. I felt I might just be Frost-ing upwards.
As I took my bow to the tepid and very seated applause from the sprinkling of people missing Harold and Maude to be there, I could see the spirit of good ol' Suze Orman floating overhead like my very own Ben Kenobi. She said, "You go girl!"
I am.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
7 votes
3.7
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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UnderWhelmed 72,813  16
05/29/2009 06:41 PM
A 3-orb for the shot-in-the-face imagery. I didn't find anything else all that funny though - I mostly felt sorry for you.
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Funny
6 votes
3.2
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The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy, Jr. 175,868 10
05/29/2009 06:53 PM
Now Undies knows how we feel when she posts.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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UnderWhelmed 72,813 16
05/29/2009 06:59 PM
Heh.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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John Hargrave 116,607 19
05/30/2009 12:49 AM
Perhaps because I can relate to many of the feelings described in this article, I enjoyed it greatly.
In fact, I think this is the kind of article that shows what ZUG can be -- not just fart jokes (although those are very, very important), but well-written articles from funny writers with something to say.
I'm proud to run this on the site, and we'll be running it from the homepage next week.
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Hilarious
6 votes
4.2
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TheVelveTurd 4,931 3
05/30/2009 01:23 AM
not just fart jokes
see the Alli Experiment Parts 1-5
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.8
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The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy, Jr. 175,868 10
05/30/2009 06:30 AM
In fact, I think this is the kind of article that shows what ZUG can be -- not just fart jokes (although those are very, very important), but well-written articles from funny writers with something to say.
And, thus, Neverland began to die as Peter decided it was better to grow up.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Thud 53,111 10
06/01/2009 04:00 AM
a .45 magnum
Seriously? Pretty rare rounds there, that's for sure.
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0 votes
0.0
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Bill the Squirrel 25,487 8
06/01/2009 05:32 AM
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, there was a searing light and explosive pain. My mind reeled to piece together what was happening.
A man.
A man with a .45 magnum.
Spraying a dozen rounds into my face.
Me dying, with the horrible realization;
I am not dreaming, this is real, I will never be able to relay this story to anyone regardless of how little they want to hear it...
Fixed!*
*NoOb disclaimer #1
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0 votes
0.0
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Sethonious 11 3
06/04/2009 02:55 AM
Maybe you should try some pants.
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