The Alli Experiment, Part 5
A comedy article
by John Hargrave  116,556  19
05/30/2009 12:06 AM 4129 views
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I embarked on a ten-day experiment on the diet pill Alli, which keeps your body from digesting fats, with possible side effects including "oily spotting" and "frequent stools which may be hard to control." My question was: how much fat would I have to consume before accidentally soiling myself? [Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4 here.]
DAY 10
I woke up on my final day of Alli, and found that my three super-sized value meals had also super-sized my ass: my morning weigh-in showed 157.5 pounds. I had gained five pounds in one day.
I knew today was going to be a "heavy flow day." And as I was rereading the Alli pamphlet, I noticed it warned that "women may want to wear pantyliners." I thought this was sexist. Men's underwear needs protecting, too!
So I did the unthinkable: I put one of my wife's pantyliners in my underpants.
It's not a pantyliner, it's a mantyliner.
This was my first time wearing a pantyliner, and I found the application quite easy: just peel and stick. Very user-friendly! If pantyliners were designed for men, there would be a 12-step process involving harnesses and rotary belts.
Although I have to admit, it is a little bit like wearing a diaper. I walked around awkwardly for a while, trying to get used to the sensation. God bless the women and their leaky bodies.
I had spent ten days on Alli, eating thousands of grams of fat, and now it was time for the ultimate test: sprinting a solid mile.
But I wasn't worried: I had protection.
I couldn't find a proper headband, so I used an old scarf.
I popped a pooper pill and headed down to the track, where I began running as fast as my engorged body would take me. Ten days of terrible nutrition made it excruciating. Around the halfway point, I took off my shirt, to let the meat drip out of my pores.
"Continue roasting until the juices run clear"
I'll have you know that my body was a sculpted mass of muscle and sinews before I went on this diet. Now look at me: Chariots of Flabber.
It took me nine minutes to "sprint" a mile, after which I collapsed on the ground, both panting and soiling my panting.
"Curse your savory deliciousness, BBQ Beef!"
Arriving home, I took a look at the damage, and it wasn't pretty. Unless you're a lover of abstract expressionist art.
Your underwear on Alli: Day 10
I called GlaxoSmithKline, the makers of Alli, to try to get some kind of reimbursement for my underwear.
[Click here to listen to the full prank phone call.]
GLAXOSMITHKLINE: Thank you for calling Consumer Information, my name is Ted.
HARGRAVE: Hello, I'm calling about the Alli.
GSK: Yes, and how can I help you?
HARGRAVE: Listen: I took the Alli, and I soiled my underpants.
GSK: Okay ... we apologize that that's happened. Are you monitoring the fat grams in your meal?
HARGRAVE: Yes, I'm monitoring them closely ... in my underpants. If you get my meaning.
GSK: Yes, I got your meaning.
HARGRAVE: It's disgusting. I'm a grown man. This isn't supposed to happen until I'm 70.
GSK: Well, we apologize that you're having that experience. I'd like to get some more information from you.
HARGRAVE: How much information do you need? Do you know the term "skid marks?"
GSK: I do!
HARGRAVE: These were more like snowmobile tracks. Do you understand?
GSK: I completely understand.
HARGRAVE: It's awful. What can we do about this?
GSK: There's nothing we can do about it. Normally that doesn't occur if you're monitoring the fat grams in your meal, and eating within the guidelines of 50 grams per meal. If you go over that, then more than likely you are going to have the treatment effects of oily anal discharge.
HARGRAVE: Yeah, may I suggest instead of calling it "oily anal discharge," that you consider calling it "greasy anal discharge?"
GSK: I can call it whatever you'd like.
HARGRAVE: That's what I'd like.
GSK: Greasy anal discharge.
HARGRAVE: "Viscous."
GSK: When did you start seeing the greasy anal discharge?
HARGRAVE: Viscous anal discharge. About two days ago. Now, before then my underwear was spotted with orange and brown pools of grease. And then yesterday, suddenly, it looks like an inkblot. You could do psychological testing with it.
GSK: Well again sir, we apologize that you've had that experience.
HARGRAVE: It's like the Tar Baby.
GSK: Pardon me?
HARGRAVE: Listen: I'd like GlaxoSmithKline to send me a new pair of underpants.
GSK: Unfortunately sir, we don't reimburse for underpants.
HARGRAVE: I'm a 32-34. I prefer boxer-briefs. Not the regular boxers, they let your junk flap around. So the boxer-briefs, they offer the coverage of the boxer...
GSK: I don't care if your junk flaps around, either. If we continue to have this conversation, I will be disconnecting this call.
HARGRAVE: Listen. Here's all I'm saying. Don't send me the bikini boxers, okay, because those things make me look like I'm at a friggin' Spanish beach.
GSK: Sir, I don't care to hear about the type of underwear you prefer. If you continue to move down that road, I will disconnect this call.
HARGRAVE: Listen, the only thing moving down a road is your product Alli ... if you get my meaning.
GSK: Would you like me to send out a refund?
HARGRAVE: Do you get my meaning?
GSK: Thank you very much for calling, sir. [Hangs up]
I really didn't want a refund of the Alli, which is the greatest diet drug ever. Just my underpants, which will never be the same.
I continued taking the Alli for the next few days, switching back to my regular diet, and within a week I was back down to my fighting weight. All that fat just drained out of my body! I'm telling you, this thing is the George Foreman Grill of drugs.
In conclusion, Alli is possibly the greatest diet pill ever created. It really does work, and the built-in "fat monitoring alarm" will let you know if you cheat, by going off in your pants.
Aye-Aye Alli!
If you enjoyed the Alli Experiment, you might also enjoy GigaCleanse, one man's attempt to invent the world's most radical diet.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
11 votes
4.8
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Funny
4 votes
3.7
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Professor Nutbutter 150,770  13
05/30/2009 12:13 AM
oily anal discharge
I saw them at CBGB back in the day, before their second drummer died. That show changed my life.
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0 votes
0.0
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UnderWhelmed 72,783 16
05/30/2009 12:17 AM
I don't have a gallbladder, so any oily fats I eat already pour out of my ass without much warning. Do you think it'll be any different if I take alli?
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Rock Lobsta- Less Rock, More Lobsta 9,790 9
05/30/2009 12:20 AM
I'm impressed, John. You wore a pantyliner. This clears up any questions Mothcleaner had about your sexuality.
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Amusing
2 votes
1.5
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Dr. Moth Kevorkian 3,592 5
05/30/2009 12:51 AM
No, I already knew.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Whistler P. McManus 141,130 21
05/30/2009 01:14 AM
I saw them at CBGB back in the day
Fat. Daughter.
You saw the Force M.D.'s at the Hartford Civic Center. And your mom went with you.
[points off me for even knowing/remembering the Force M.D.'s]
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Brogel 76 6
05/30/2009 01:27 AM
I love the reference to the boxers that let your junk flap around. Like a big 'up yours' to everyone dissing your underpants.
By the way, boxer briefs are for sissies. Real men let it flap.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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MungChamp 22,430 16
05/30/2009 02:54 AM
HARGRAVE: It's like the Tar Baby.
Since you are being politically correct you might consider renaming this the Tuskegee Experiment II.
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0 votes
0.0
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Ravos is New & Improved 33,943 9
05/30/2009 03:20 AM
I think it is actually Vicious anal discharge. It almost tore you a new Emerson...if you get my meaning.
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0 votes
0.0
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Just Plain Jeeni 10,993 10
05/30/2009 03:37 AM
Loved listening to your mp3 of the conversation, John.
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0 votes
0.0
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Dead Pussy 213 2
06/01/2009 11:57 PM
I don't know what's worse...you showing your "viscous anal discharge underwear" on-line OR that fact that I clicked on the link to see them. I'm feeling a bit queasy right now. I'm sooo sorry I looked.
Thanks for the laughs...
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0 votes
0.0
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TomServo 3,733 5
06/03/2009 04:56 PM
I will never forgive myself for clicking the link for that picture. Ever.
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0 votes
0.0
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Moneta 0 9
06/03/2009 05:32 PM
I can't un-see those underwear pics. Thanks I didn't want lunch anyway.
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0 votes
0.0
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Miss Trixxie 64,454 13
06/03/2009 08:42 PM
At least this one isn't bordering/crossing over, into the criminal.
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0 votes
0.0
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Gonzo 17,590 12
06/04/2009 08:18 PM
The net effect of this prank on me was that it's getting me to read "Eat to Live".
I'm a little skeptical that I can handle eating an entire head of romaine lettuce every day, but I'm only about a quarter of the way through the book...
I'm hoping he meant "the equivalent of an entire head of romaine lettuce every day" by the time I get past all the propaganda.
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0 votes
0.0
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Ali the Undead Legend 730 5
10/30/2009 05:09 PM
I'm glad you did an article about me.
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0 votes
0.0
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A.C. the Sanguisuge Frankenstein 5,973 4
10/30/2009 05:19 PM
Yeah, but Halloween's the one time of the year when you don't cause people to Shakespeare their britches.
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