The iCan'tSee app for iPhone
A comedy article
by Jeff Haynes | 06/01/2009 08:07 PM | 1044 views
|
|
My fiber-rich cereal was doing its daily job. All I needed was an unoccupied bathroom and a moment of peace.
With my wife using the one in our hotel room (and she has insisted that I document that she was showering at the time), my nearest option was two floors down, and one long hallway away. I rushed out the door to cover that distance as quickly as possible, grabbing my iPhone on the way out of pure habit -- never leave home or your hotel room without it.
I think a friendly passerby in the hall tried to slow me down on the way to the elevator, saying something about the weather being beautiful. Not bothering to turn around or even break pace, I responded with a nonsensical, "Me too," and punched the elevator button.
It's somewhat ironic that the second-most relaxing activity we can do as humans can cause so much anxiety. Who wants to talk about pooping? If you're hosting guests, you're far more likely to excuse yourself from the conversation with something like, "I'm going to go upstairs and rearrange my sock drawer for 10 minutes, and when I'm done, I may randomly hit the flush lever on the toilet -- in case you happen to hear it," than simply say, "I need to poop."
Similar games are played at work.
Bob: Whew, you know, I really need a Starbucks coffee.
Jim: But Bob, the nearest Starbucks is two towns away.
Bob: Gotta go! I'll be back soon enough.
And, when Bob returns from his "trip" with no coffee in hand, he simply says, "Well, you know, I walked up to the counter and decided I wasn't thirsty." Somehow, this is designed to make some sort of sense to his coworkers.
Personally, I prize the value in a few minutes of solitude. These moments should be revered. It's one of those rare times in the day when you can reasonably expect the world to leave you the hell alone. I think of the Medieval movie hero running from an angry mob and, upon reaching the front door to some magnificent cathedral, the hero cries, "Sanctuary! Sanctuary!"
Luckily, no mob was chasing me. Not that I wasn't running. OK, it was a very brisk walk.
Mercifully, my sanctuary was completely empty, and waiting just for me. The light clicked on automatically as I entered, and everything seemed right with the world.
I realized I had grabbed my iPhone, so I decided to take a minute (or two) to read about a campground I was considering for a future visit. The facilities were described as "primitive," which I interpreted as having no electricity.
Pop! As if prompted by the mere thought of no electricity, the lights went off in the bathroom.
"What the..? Oh no!" I started to panic. The room was pitch black. Had the same motion sensor that beautifully illuminated my oasis now betrayed me? How long had I been in there? Five minutes? Do I need more fiber? Less? Am I just a slow reader?
This is the part where my cynical side imagines a security room, hidden deep within the bowels of the hotel, where the guards keeping watch over a wall of monitors are laughing at me. Through infrared vision installed on the hidden cameras, they see me frantically waving my arms over my head, trying in vain to re-trigger the motion sensor. And they laugh. They howl. They fall on the floor convulsing in hysterics as tears stream down their faces. Meanwhile, I'm screwed.
The most useful app of all.
But, suddenly, I realize I'm not screwed. I have a flashlight. I opened my iPhone's settings to bring it up to maximum brightness. And there, in the glow of my phone's display, I found the toilet paper.
And as I rescued myself from this precarious situation, I couldn't help but hear that familiar song on all the iPhone ads -- along with a brand new voiceover.
"Has a motion sensor stranded you in a pitch black bathroom? There's an app for that. And if you run out of toilet paper, there's an app to summon a replacement roll. And if you've overdosed on fiber and need to call a plumber to fix the toilet, there's an app for that, too. All before you can say, 'Holy crap.'"
|
|
|
Like This? Rate It!
|
|
Hilarious
17 votes
4.1
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1827745
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Funny
5 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1827747
BarneyBites
06/01/2009 08:24 PM
Now if they could only make a toilet that my wife couldn't clog after her "few minutes of solitude"!
|
|
|
Funny
4 votes
3.3
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1827749
Shell Belle
06/01/2009 08:39 PM
It's one of those rare times in the day when you can reasonably expect the world to leave you the hell alone
Unless you have children under the age of ten. Then it becomes a race to finish before the loud knocking and cries of "Mom! What are you doing in there? I have to gooooo!" begin.
Good article, by the way.
|
|
|
Funny
4 votes
3.8
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1827915
The Golden KChiki
06/02/2009 06:59 PM
My husband and I are constantly finding scenarios for "There's an app for that" quotes.
Me: "I think the baby dropped a bomb."
Husband: "There's an app for that."
Husband: "CAN YOU GET ME A BAR OF SOAP?" (from across the house)
Me: "THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT!"
|
|
|
|
Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1827940
There's only one Ditdah
06/02/2009 10:17 PM
Awesome article - one of the funniest in a while! I could totally picture someone perched in the dark using the iPhone as a flashlight.
Now they just need an actual "Flashlight" app.
|
|
|
|
Funny
3 votes
3.7
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1827941
There's only one Ditdah
06/02/2009 10:18 PM
Unless you have children under the age of ten. Then it becomes a race to finish before the loud knocking and cries of "Mom! What are you doing in there? I have to gooooo!" begin.
Even better are those little hands feeling around under the door. Do they really think I'm sitting right by the door, just waiting for them to find me?
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1827966
Ravos is New & Improved
06/03/2009 11:43 AM
And if you run out of toilet paper, there's an app
It isn't so much an app as the phone itself. Which is to say, smeared with feces.
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1828291
John Hargrave
06/05/2009 09:18 AM
Great article -- going live on the ZUG homepage today!
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1828366
The Ammo in Mammogram
06/06/2009 11:38 AM
I need to find a soft, well-drained patch of ground in a nearby woods.
>THWACK< There's an app for that!
|
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1828448
Like a Ravos
06/08/2009 12:25 PM
I am amazed Steve Jobs hasn't renamed 'applications' to 'applecations'.
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.3
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1828458
The Rockin' Donkey
06/08/2009 02:38 PM
welcome to the iShakespeare.
|
|
|
Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1828560
Brogel
06/09/2009 01:49 PM
Would have probably been even more hardcore had you whiped your ass with the phone and found a way to flush it.
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838138
mandellia
08/19/2009 07:36 AM
iBreak app: breaks your iPhone, saves the world.
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1838239
subhuman
08/19/2009 06:30 PM
Did you two just get married or something? If my wife was taking a shower and I had to poop, she would be in the shower and I would be on the toilet, pure and simple.
|
|
|
|
Share on your site: