Twits of the Week: Miley Cyrus! Clarence Thomas! The Olsen Twins!
A comedy article
by syncope  43,802  9
06/04/2009 10:32 PM 1382 views
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If you've never heard of the Twitter, I'm very sorry to disturb you; feel free to return to your cave and continue taping twigs to bombs. For everyone else, you either refuse to get one and thus have become culturally irrelevant, or you've got one and have essentially become an animal with a radio collar beaming your location and behavior to a group of people who may or may not even be interested.
Humanity's recent urge to share every bit of the minutia of their lives has resulted in a tidal wave of stupidity, and celebrities are no exception. Each week I'll sift through the tweet pile to bring you, dear Zug reader, the most annoying, ridiculous, and just plain stupid tweets on Twitter. This is ... Twit of the Week.
carlosmencia (http://twitter.com/carlosmencia)
Only a man and a woman can marry in California. It's against the law to marry if your gay. I wish i as a heterosexual had that excuse. :-( 2:30 PM May 26th from web
Wait ... who?
He's the not-actually-Mexican comedian famous for his racist act, degradation of the mentally handicapped, sub-mediocre show on Comedy Central, and a YouTube video in which Joe Rogan rips him a new Emerson for stealing jokes.
Why are you posting that?!
Because it's funny, bro! If you've heard of Mencia before, once you saw what this column is about you knew he'd show up here eventually because he seems to use his Twitter to test half his act and, well, his act sucks. I'm not even ripping him for the way he flippantly dismisses the fact that a large segment of the population has just been denied civil rights, because that's a little too activist-y for Zug.com. But come on. Bob Hope never told that joke because it was stale back in 1940.
Miley Cyrus (http://twitter.com/mileycyrus)
if your not already plllleassee follow me!!! :) :) :) :) about 7 hours ago from web
Wait ... who?
If you've got a daughter or gay son under the age of 16 you're probably inundated with merchandise for Miley and her doppelganger, Hannah Montana. The slightly-addled offspring of severely-addled Billy Ray Cyrus has used her Disney Channel appeal to build a multimillion dollar empire. And sell your kids a lot of sparkly Shakespeare.
Why are you posting that?!
Obviously Miley's got a brand name to build, and having more followers (Hey Twitter, why not just come right out and call them sheeple?) is a means to that end since she can instantly update people on concerts and merchandise. And god knows a tiny indie act toiling in relative obscurity needs to pursue any avenue they can to get the word out. I know what you're thinking: "Big deal. So the marketing machine is doing some marketing. This isn't all that stupid." What you might not realize is only people who already follow you can see your updates. So the only people seeing her request to follow her are the people already following her. It's like walking into a job interview and asking for a job interview. With a moron.
TheOlsens (http://twitter.com/theOlsens)
mary_kate_olsen IS FAKE!!!!! ITS NOT MARY-KATE!!! SHES NOT THE REAL MK! THIS IS THE ONLY TWITTER WE HAVE! about 9 hours ago from web
Wait ... who?
Surely you remember the Olsen twins, childhood stars of Full House and, for several years, constant reminders of your state's statutory rape laws. Well they're grown up now. But not enough to get their own separate Twitter accounts.
Why are you posting that?!
One surreal consequence of Twitter is that false profiles for celebrities have sprouted up all over the site, forcing many to loudly proclaim that they are the one and true C-list douche bag you mockingly watch from the safety of your monitor. Now I can completely understand their anger here, since the only thing worse than someone taking credit for your work is someone giving you credit for their stupid ideas, but let's look at this objectively:
TheOlsens "Going to TAN by the pool!"
Mary_kate_olsen "why is fart smell good to me? because it smell of food"
I don't care who Mary_kate_olsen is. She talks like Cookie Monster and she smells her own farts. THAT is the Olsen I'm interested in following.
clarencethomas (http://twitter.com/clarencethomas)
Entirely out of sorts. Spent the last three hours trying to repair the mains lead on my outdoor refrigerator. Lost an entire pack of franks. 2:55 PM May 25th from web
Wait ... who?
The second African American Supreme Court Justice in history and longtime Republican go-to when the word diversity popped up, Thomas has made his reputation with conservative rulings in an effort to uphold the original intent of the Constitution, which is ironic because the original intent of the Constitution would not have let a black man ever be a Supreme Court Justice. Also, he may or may not put pubic hair in your Coke when you're not looking.
Why are you posting that?!
Thomas sits on the most influential court ruling on the most influential legislation in the most influential nation in the world, and he still finds the time to bang out a tweet that sounds like a surly phone call from your grandpa. Between bitching about judicial interns and the air conditioning in his office, Thomas also laments having to rustle up a lunch at home to bring to work in what I have to assume is a plastic grocery bag from Ralph's. This is a man who has decided rulings on free speech and capital punishment with the reserved, measured dignity befitting a Supreme Court Justice, and yet he's "entirely out of sorts" at having to toss out a $3 pack of hot dogs. And he's deciding what rights we have daily.
And the Twit of the Week is ...
Oliviamunn (http://twitter.com/oliviamunn)
im craving watermelon, but can't get out of house to get it. damn, work. damn, fatty taste buds always wanting food. about 8 hours ago from web
Wait ... who?
Munn hosts Attack of the Show!, which is a pop culture digest airing on G4, which is a basic cable network devoted to video games. She also pops up periodically in photo shoots with Maxim, Playboy, and JackOffToMePlease.
Why are you posting that?!
Olivia, this is an intervention. I just want you to know that everyone here in this room loves you, though most love you in mainly a physical way. Wanting food is not a bad thing, Olivia. It's what keeps you alive. I realize a career in modeling has eroded any understanding of that, but it's time to take back the chalupa and be proud to eat again. You're not only dishing out some anorexia to any underage girl in earshot, you're setting up a generation of kids so fat and nerdy they watch TV about video games for some incredibly unrealistic expectations of women. Get yourself that watermelon, and top it with some chili and cheese.
Got a celebrity you think might be Twit of the Week material? Post it below. And don't forget to follow ZUG on Twitter!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
23 votes
4.5
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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John Hargrave 116,547  19
06/04/2009 10:34 PM
You had me at "an animal with a radio collar."
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to beam my location to the entire world.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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The Golden KChiki 50,261 11
06/04/2009 11:00 PM
Damn you. Now I want chili and cheese.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Like a Ravos 33,754 9
06/04/2009 11:08 PM
Mary_kate_olsen "why is fart smell good to me? because it smell of food"
This made me laugh out loud out loud out loud.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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MungChamp 22,383 16
06/04/2009 11:18 PM
Awesome and welcome back!
Don't forget to add Abe Vigoda He is always excited just to be alive.
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0 votes
0.0
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Mothcleaner 3,592 5 walks in to thread excited, looks around for the tits everyone's talking about, gets disappointed and leaves.
06/04/2009 11:51 PM
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Shell Belle 31,046 7
06/05/2009 06:03 AM
I less than three you, syncope.
That is all.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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syncope 43,802 9
06/05/2009 07:26 AM
I had myself at "the Twitter." Apparently I'm my great-grandfather suddenly.
Thanks for the sweet, delicious orbs! What other celebrities/morons in the news should we follow for this feature?
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Thud 53,017 10
06/05/2009 07:42 AM
Do Beniffer or Brangelina or any other hybridized people Twit themselves?
What about some reality show "celebs"?
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.0
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Frogpop 155,175 12
06/05/2009 09:17 AM
Isn't watermelon pretty much just water, red dye #40, and seeds?
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0 votes
0.0
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Shell Belle 31,046 7
06/06/2009 10:19 PM
Bumpity bump bump. For the short-bus riding weekend crowd.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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syncope 43,802 9
06/07/2009 08:51 PM
Do Beniffer or Brangelina or any other hybridized people Twit themselves?
The crapshoot with super huge celebs is that there are consistently a dozen or so profiles of people so lonely in life that they're pretending to be famous to get followers on Twitter. So as soon as I can deduce who the REAL Brad Pitt is, I'll throw him on my list.
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0 votes
0.0
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xentar 428 5
06/09/2009 05:42 PM
So, when can I see the twat of the week?
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Funny
4 votes
3.3
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Ironbuttkickinsnork 44,997 8
06/09/2009 06:10 PM
When next you look in the mirror.
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Amusing
2 votes
1.5
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Ironbuttkickinsnork 44,997 8
06/09/2009 06:11 PM
Zing!
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0 votes
0.0
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Mike O'Brien 49 1
06/09/2009 09:20 PM
I had to give you five zugs, just for following Clarence Thomas on Twitter. Awesome.
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0 votes
0.0
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Hydrant-monkey 1,901 9
06/09/2009 10:52 PM
I keep misreading this as "Tits of the week" Which in my opinion would be superior.
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