Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
06/04/2009 02:41 PM

This one time me and a girlfriend of mine, were dressed up as police and riding to a costume party. We found some clothes on the beach, but couldn't find the person they belonged too. So, we decided to take them with us. A little while later, while we were walking past the mini golf place, my girl had to piss. So, she squatted down and whizzed right in the pool there. Here comes the naked part. A bit later, we saw a Smurf, a real Frost-ing Smurf, running naked across the street.

John Hargrave 128,751 73
06/04/2009 02:55 PM

Whenever I take a cab I like to chat up the cabbies and ask them their best stories.

One cabbie told me that he was flagged down one night by a woman who was completely nude. He said she was beautiful, with an amazing body. She said nothing the whole ride -- apparently she had just been through some kind of trauma, this wasn't for posting on Voyeurweb.

"How did she pay?" I asked. "No pockets."

The cabbie said she got home, calmly walked into our house (I didn't think to ask how she got in), then came back out with the money. AND SHE WAS STILL NUDE!!!

I made up that last part. She had put clothes on by then. But the story would be better that way.

Like a Ravos 63,472 21
06/04/2009 03:11 PM

I made up that last part.

I am so disappointed in you John. What happened to REAL-LIFE comedy?

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
06/04/2009 03:31 PM

When I was about 21 or so, me and a buddy of mine went backpacking up in the White Mountains. It was probably only my second or third time camping, and it was his first. We hiked about three miles in and set up camp at a National Forest campground. As we were setting up a ranger came by and advised us to hang our food at night as this campground was popular with bears. We took his advice, though bear-bagging is a lot harder than you'd think it is, so our food ended up suspended only about seven feet off the ground.

Around 7:30PM, we hear "Hello? Hello? Is there a ranger around?"

A minute later a guy comes out of the woods into our campsite. He's buck naked, dripping wet, standing there as if walking around like that is just, like, what you do.

Us: "Um, what the hell?"

Naked Guy: "A bear took my clothes!"

Us: "No, dude, you're a perv. Bears don't take clothes."

Naked Guy: "I mean, my wife and I were swimming in the river, my clothes were on the rocks near my food, and a bear came out of the woods and started eating my food, we got scared, so we ran."

Us: "Ok, that's a bit more plausible."

A couple minutes later his wife came out of the woods, her face was white as a ghost and she was still shaking. She, unfortunately, had a bathing suit on.

There was really nothing we could do for them so they went on their way, probably off to freak out some other campers.

Later that night we awoke to the sound of a black bear tearing our food out of the tree. We sat for about an hour, 20 feet away, watching this bear eat every scrap of food we had with us. Fortunately, he didn't take our clothes.

I have no idea what ever became of naked guy.

Pants 14,252 17
06/04/2009 05:46 PM

A few friends of mine were going to The Masquerade to see a show. This area of Atlanta is not the nicest of places
and has as many homeless crazies as it does cockroaches.
As they were approaching the venue an aggressive bum approaches my friend Nick, probably because he's all of 5'4" and harmless looking.
The man asks for money numerous times while walking with them and finally shouts "Come on brother, show me some love!"
Nick immediately turns toward the guy, pulls down his own pants,
and starts making a thrusting motion.
So, as he's wagging his dick at this homeless man he yells "I've got your love right here!"
Apparently tiny white penises scare the Shakespeare out homeless people because the bum, without any hesitation, quickly turned tail and fled.

Thud 68,506 19
06/04/2009 06:00 PM

I was attending a Rocky Horror con in Las Vegas around fifteen years ago. The group of weirdos I went with decided to try to visit as many of the party rooms in the hotel they could.

We went from floor to floor, stopping in on varied scenes of drinking and drug use. There was a fair amount of partial and full nudity in some of the rooms, but one room in particular is forever seared into my brain.

Got off the elevator on an upper floor and immediately noticed a crowd of people around the door to a suite (the type with double doors for the entrance). We figured this must be a rocking party, so we started to push our way to the front. Big, big mistake.

As soon as I could see into the suite, I blanched at the sight before me. In the middle of the main room there was a game of Twister going on. An all male game of Twister. An all male, all naked game of Twister going on, complete with whipped cream on the contestants.

I sounded the retreat and we fled, having decided to skip that party.

UnderWhelmed 101,398 77
06/04/2009 08:09 PM

This one time I was naked with a strange fat man in a hotel room, and a lesbian kept bothering us. She called my cell phone like 6 times, the room phone 4 times and the guy's phone 3 times. A while later, she tried to break down the door. When I cracked it open and looked into her eyes, she just said "OH MY GOD ARE YOU GUYS HAVING SEX?" and then took off.

Millie 116,988 28
06/04/2009 08:57 PM

I don't really have any naked stories about myself. Except my boob was on local TV once.

I lived in an apartment (in a building we owned) when I was married and the women in the apartment next door refused to put curtains up and they were topless all the time. They were not really attractive, either. They had shaved heads and wore long pants, but never wore shirts.

Other people lived there, too. Some guys (who did wear shirts). My kitchen windows looked directly into their bathroom. I got sick of watching people taking Shakespeares while I did my dishes, so I yelled over to them to "Cover the Frost-ing window, please!"

From then on, they called me The Bitch and yelled stuff at me from their windows. But they did put a towel over their bathroom window.

We were painting the exterior of our building that fall, at my dad came to help us. I kept worrying he'd see the topless girls and fall off the ladder trying to look at them. He's old and probably doesn't care what the boobs look like. I called the landlord of the building and complained about the topless women. It didn't work.

They continued to be walking around topless even in winter when it was cold. I don't understand nudity in Maine. It's too Frost-ing cold.

I had a post a long time ago about my naked neighbors and Frogpop did a nice illustration. But I can't find it. Can anyone find it?

Pants 14,252 17 thinks about boobies
06/04/2009 09:44 PM

I had a post a long time ago about my naked neighbors and Frogpop did a nice illustration. But I can't find it. Can anyone find it?

Huh? Uhhh sorry, what did you say? My mind was some where else.

BC Bud 13,797 15
06/04/2009 10:14 PM

I was born naked!


How weird is that??????

Dr. Manhole 21,656 29 puffs his tobacco pipe
06/04/2009 10:35 PM

Oh, not atoll weird my dear sir. I hear being born nekked is quite common these days.

Thud 68,506 19
06/04/2009 10:44 PM

Not atoll? How about guyot?

Dr. Manhole 21,656 29
06/04/2009 11:00 PM

Cecilia: "Tom, I might be wrong but has somebody nailed a snake to that door?"

Tom Riddle: "Good lord, you're right! That'll be the son, I told you he's not right in the head."

Frogpop 173,153 25
06/04/2009 11:20 PM

I saw The Naked Cowboy in Times Square 8 or 9 years ago. He isn't really naked though. During a cut scene from this year’s Celebrity Apprentice I saw that they now have a The Naked Cowgirl too. I'll let you know how that works out next time I go there.

peoriagrace 6,166 11
06/05/2009 04:19 PM

I have several naked stories; but I don't know if they are funny.

Here goes. In 3rd grade there was a boy in my class who would jump up on his desk and take his little weinner out every time the teacher left the classroom. All the other boys would laugh and us girls would turn our heads.

At 15 my friends and I were hanging around main on a saturday night.
All the kids dragged main around and around as the street was oneway.
This night we were parked and watching and saying hey to people we knew and trying to find a party. Some boys were in a big truck and several were mooning us. So most of the girls screamed and twittered; not me I yelled they hey what's that brown stuff; and wipe better. They didn't moon us again; but did say some other stupid stuff trying to regain there cred. Wasn't possible though; we just all started telling them to wipe their butts.

When I was 16 we lived next to a convenience store. One night I was hanging out with my friend on her mom's truck. We were across the street from the store and my house. We were people watching. Having an Ok time. I notice this really big Indian guy at the phone booth, and say to my friend: What's that guy doin? She says: I don't know.
I say:I think he's playing with himself. She says: You're right.

peoriagrace 6,166 11
06/05/2009 04:20 PM

The guy then turns towards us to show his dick in his hand.
My friend and I both start laughing and hooting. Then we started yelling about how little his dick is, and why bother showing that little thing around. He immediately left, unable to finish what he started.


One night my friend and I decided to take ourselves out to eat. We were around 15 or so. We dressed nice and her parents dropped us off at our favorite place. After dinner we were walking to her home, but decided it was too cold. Stopped at a phone booth(this was before cell phones)to call a cab. My was calling and I played watch. I noticed a guy jogging a couple blocks from us. As soon as she was off the phone, I said to her: Hey look at that guy jogging; he's going to run over by us and flash us. She said: How do you know. I said look at him he's wearing little shorts and shoes, no shirt. This is November late at night and it's freezing. So we watch him run up to us lift his shorts up so his dick is bobbing up and down out his leg hole. Says good evening ladies; we immediately start yelling is that all you got and start laughing at him. He runs around the corner and that's the last we see of him. Our cab shows up and takes us home. I think we stayed up and watched movies.

Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
06/05/2009 09:04 PM

tiny white penises


Tell the truth, Pants: it was your brother.

The Ammo in Mammogram 1,071 8
06/05/2009 10:02 PM

Last week, a friend of mine and I visited his grandmother in the hospital. The old bird, bless her, is a spry but modestly demented 98 and has a laugh like a screech owl. We enter, say our hellos, and begin the laborious process of getting her to hear us, but she seems distracted by something. Tom is trying more and more loudly to get her attention. Suddenly, she raises a finger to quiet him, then points toward the window. "There's a naked man out there."

Well, that bursts our bubble. We have rather enjoyed visiting her and listening to her paranoid and incredibly racist accounts of the various methods her neighbour employs to try to steal her extensive gun collection and maliciously impregnate her AKC-bred Weimaraner, but hallucinations usually signal the end of a nursing-home-free lifestyle. We attempt to console her and reassure her that no one is out there. We look deeply into her careworn face with its blank thousand-yard stare. And then we get our eardrums crushed as her laugh hits us full in the face at point-blank range. She nudges Tom aside to get a better view, and lo and behold, there's a man wearing only rubber-tread hospital socks, leading a trio of overweight security guards on a merry chase through the parking lot. He definitely has the advantage, as he does not mind climbing on a car or two to evade his pursuers.

She laughs nonstop until a nurse comes in to check out the commotion. The nurse looks out the window and immediately reaches to close the curtain, but Nan tells her "Oh honey, leave it open. We might as well enjoy the show." The nurse departs, red-faced. Nan then nudges Tom, her eyes still fixed on the naked man, and says, "Bet that towel-head neighbour of mine tries to Frost him."

Pants 14,252 17
06/05/2009 10:08 PM

Tell the truth, Pants: it was your brother.

It sounds like you talked to Trixxie about the first Gablanta when Skippy tried to moon the camera and everyone got a peek at a little at more than some cheek... if you know what I mean.

Lobsta- Now With FIBER!! 18,570 33
06/06/2009 09:19 PM

I've told this one before, but it's my favorite:

One weekend, I went to a field party with my roommate, Lauri the Pornstar. I didn't know many of the people there, but there was ample booze and pot, so after a few drinks and a couple hits off the devious frog- this six foot tall bong that some guy named Kenny had brought- I was feeling alright and totally ready to socialize.

Some guy at the party had dcided it would be a good idea for us all to get naked and sit around the bonfire. But nobody wanted to take their shoes off, so we left them on. At this point, I had to pee.

I turn to Lauri and say, "dude, I gotta pee. Help me find a tree or sumptin."

We went all over the place looking for a tree or bush big enough to hide behind while I squatted, but, nothing. Finally Lauri goes, "Just stand up and pee. It's easy. Just hold your butt cheeks together real tight and you'll pee out instead of on your shoes. My friend Merideth shoed me how to do it."

Since I was about to explode, I took her word for it. And it worked! So I stood behind a skinny tree and peed standing up. I had never done that before, and was very impressed with myself.

When I was done, I went to dig in my purse for the pack of tissues I always carry- just in case- and I noticed that everyone at the bonfire had a plain view of my stark-naked ass and me taking a piss standing up. All that self-confidence dissapated all at once.

peoriagrace 6,166 11
06/08/2009 05:54 AM

Supposedly I used to get naked with the next door neighbor boy when we were both 2. I have no recolection of this; and believe this to be a smear tactic on my families part.

UnderWhelmed 101,398 77
06/08/2009 07:18 AM

This one time I was naked with a strange fat man in a hotel room, and a lesbian kept bothering us. She called my cell phone like 6 times, the room phone 4 times and the guy's phone 3 times. A while later, she tried to break down the door. When I cracked it open and looked into her eyes, she just said "OH MY GOD ARE YOU GUYS HAVING SEX?" and then took off.

I also want to take this opportunity to apologize, and to offer to reimburse Ditdah for any bleach she may have had to purchase, or may purchase in the future, to use to burn out her eyes as a result of this encounter.

Like a Ravos 63,472 21
06/08/2009 07:40 AM

It's easy. Just hold your butt cheeks together real tight

If you hadn't listened to her advice, you might not be pregnant.

The Golden KChiki 128,399 98
06/08/2009 08:37 AM

On one of our annual camping trips, my friends and I were drunk enough that we decided to sit around the campfire topless. We weren't near the dirt road winding through the area, so we figured we'd be safe.

About 10 minutes in, though, a group of 3 guys and a chick walked up. They were making the rounds and visiting other campsites (probably because they were low on beer and hoping to score a few). We invited them in to sit.

It took 5 minutes for any of them to realize that the 4 girls sitting around the campfire were all topless. The guy that first noticed suddenly sat up and whipped his head from girl to girl, exclaiming, "Woa! Umm, didn't notice what kind of party it was!" The chick was really pissed and made them leave.

TeeJ 38 4
06/08/2009 09:08 AM

A couple of years ago, myself, my best friend, JR, and my brother all went to JR's father's house in Providence for a week. His dad had a swimming pool, so we decided to bet my brother $20 to jump in the pool naked. Naturally, he does it. He runs outside, climbs the ladder and cannonballs into the pool in his birthday suit, while we lock the door and leave him outside.

The funny part, we hear some sirens and a knock at the door. Guess who? Apparently, a neighbor saw the little stunt, and for fear of her kids, 12 and 16, seeing a naked teenager, called the cops. They threatened to write my brother up for public indecency (in Providence of all places) and we were forced to go home.

Final penalty: my brother being embarrassed as hell and all of us being grounded for 6 weeks.

TeeJ 38 4
06/08/2009 09:15 AM

This just happened the other day.

So I get home and check the mail as always. I notice that there is a letter from my mom in there (she normally sends me letters once in a while) but it is addressed to my girlfriend and not me for a change. I bring the letter upstairs and give to the girlfriend not knowing what is inside. She opens the letter and what does she find: A picture of two-year-old me, completely naked and striking a pose like a runway model. She starts cracking up. I start cracking up. On the back of the picture my mom wrote, "See he has always been obsessed with his looks"

She left for the weekend and brought along the picture to show her family and best friend. I'm never going to be able to live it down.

Mothcleaner 4,106 10
06/08/2009 10:28 AM

peoriagrace: giving pervs a small penis complex since before she can remember.

peoriagrace 6,166 11
06/08/2009 04:22 PM

peoriagrace: giving pervs a small penis complex since before she can remember.

Mothcleaner: Priceless

MungChamp 35,891 35
06/08/2009 04:35 PM

This one time I was naked with a strange fat man in a hotel room, and a lesbian kept bothering us. She called my cell phone like 6 times, the room phone 4 times and the guy's phone 3 times. A while later, she tried to break down the door. When I cracked it open and looked into her eyes, she just said "OH MY GOD ARE YOU GUYS HAVING SEX?" and then took off.


Was that the first time you met Ditdah?

Lobsta- Now With FIBER!! 18,570 33
06/08/2009 04:43 PM

I'm naked right now.

Second Hand Piquantrax 972 10
06/08/2009 06:31 PM

So I went out to New Orleans for Mardi Gras this year with a girl I know. She lives up in New England so we rarely see each other, but when we do we always fool around. We drove down from Austin to Baton Rouge where some of my friends have an apartment.
We got there and started drinking heavily, which with myself and this girl, and my friend and another girl, eventually devolved into a foursome on the living room floor. Each of us had one girl and then we'd switch, but I'm sure the details wouldn't interest yall anyway.
At about 1:30 in the morning the doorbell rings, so I decide I'll answer the door and open it sweaty and completely naked. It's a dominoes girl, who looked about as shocked as I've seen someone, with three large pizzas. I attempt to tell her that we didn't order pizza and complain about the interruption. She explains that this is the address where the order is supposed to go and the phone number that called it. The number wasn't one that any of us recognized so we called to see who had made the mistake. Their neighbors phone rings and she picks up, I hang up and still completely naked, grab a cigarette, light it and walk next door to attempt to fix the situation.
After about 5 minutes of arguing, the neighbor spills the beans, she had called Dominoes in hopes that a pizza delivery would shut us up so she could get some sleep.
So I paid for the pizza, we ate it and went back at it being as loud as possible.









I love Mardi Gras!

Millie 116,988 28
06/08/2009 09:45 PM

Please. I would only believe that story if the Domino's girl joined in your orgy.

peoriagrace 6,166 11
06/08/2009 09:47 PM

I call fat daughter.

Like a Ravos 63,472 21
06/09/2009 07:45 AM

I call fat delivery girl.

Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
06/09/2009 08:02 AM

but I'm sure the details wouldn't interest yall anyway

That's about the only part of the story that does interest.

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
06/09/2009 08:52 AM

Oh yeah, there was this one time, I was in a wheelchair, in my car, having sex with a skanky bitch, and a bunch of porn people were applauding while watching me.

(Or maybe I just read that somewhere)

UnderWhelmed 101,398 77
06/09/2009 09:41 AM

Was that the first time you met Ditdah?

It was certainly the first time she had walked in on me having sex.


I was sharing a hotel room with her, Mr. Sir and Spicey. Unknown to me, they had all agreed NOT to lock each other out and not to hook up there.

They failed to share that information with me. I guess it must have slipped Spicey's mind.

Lobsta- Now With FIBER!! 18,570 33
06/09/2009 10:01 AM

While other parts of Spicey were slippng also....OH SNAP!


Dude, I had to do it. It was right there in front of me.

Mothcleaner 4,106 10
06/09/2009 10:29 AM

It was right there in front of me.

Isn't Spicey supposed to be at work? Quick undies, go get him!