In Which the Majesty of Tequila is Describe
A comedy article
by Urinal Pooper  134  5
06/08/2009 10:09 PM 439 views
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In the beginning, at the last of my Powers...
I like to update my poison with the changing of the season. When the first days above 24 centigrade (or 297.15 Kelvin if you want to be really accurate about it) overwhelm me with a sense of uncomfortable lethargy, I turn to the only beverage that helps me combat the heat.
Tequila.
A twelve-pack of Icehouse is usually enough to make the average collegiate stand high atop the roof of the Student Center shouting the lyrics to whatever excreable pop-song happens to be that season's party favourite. Peach Schnapps might lead him to think that he can reach out and touch the moon. Whiskey could allow our hypothetical fellow to delude himself into believing himself capable of flight.
Tequila will convince him that his girlfriend can fly.
(Not pictured: flying girlfriend)
Amongst the myriad liquors man has imbibed since our ancestors invented both war and folk-dancing in that fermented fruit bender which preceded the agricultural revolution, it is only the nectar of the blue agave which holds such sway over our senses.
In Vino Veritas- in wine there is truth... but in Tequila there is something so much more. Veracity and falsehood have no meaning in her embrace. Absolutes are to be urinated upon as if they were dumpsters, trees or homeless people.
Vodka with a roach in it? Absinthe with maggots? Even the strongest of stomachs might be found to churn at the mere thought of such heresies. A bottle of mezcal with worm embalmed within? There's always some giddy fool who can be coerced into consuming the insect. And they'll brag about it to facebook friend and co-worker alike.
Perfectly normal.
Fine wines and brandies might spur the artist's heart to poetry, tequila will waltz them onto the disco-samba dance floor of third-degree felony. But you don't rob banks or jack cars with her, no. That's rye's game, and he's the jealous type.
If a bottle of Gin leads to being apprehended by constables while you're snorting drugs off of a stripper's thigh, a bottle of tequila leads to waking up in a meth lab... wearing the stripper's clothes. It is different and better and you now have $400 protruding out of your nether regions. Totaling your Kia and losing three days of your life is but a small price to pay for such adventures.
You're still $30 ahead.
Tequila is truly the best of all possible alcoholic beverages. It is even better when it is accompanied by its friend and life-mate, Sangrita. Together, they are a super-heroic duo the likes of which have never been seen. Except by that gentleman who penned the treatment entitled "Shaft vs. Superfly". But he has not been seen nor heard from since 1987.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.2
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3 Comments on "In Which the Majesty of Tequila is Describe"
(Funniest: Dogs Akimbo) |
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0 votes
0.0
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Urinal Pooper 134  5
06/08/2009 10:11 PM
I'll just say, one... i didn't know it truncated the titles. Two... i'm too obtuse to understand the image uploading system.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,594 32
06/09/2009 12:16 AM
John will probably fix it for you when he sobers up.
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0 votes
0.0
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Juan Campos 1,173 5
06/09/2009 02:09 AM
If a bottle of Gin leads to being apprehended by constables while you're snorting drugs off of a stripper's thigh, a bottle of tequila leads to waking up in a meth lab... wearing the stripper's clothes. It is different and better and you now have $400 protruding out of your nether regions. Totaling your Kia and losing three days of your life is but a small price to pay for such adventures.
You should probably look into AA, dude.
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