The World's Most Beautiful Woman with B.O.
A comedy article
by Jeff Haynes  622  1
06/10/2009 10:19 PM 582 views
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Oh my God. Whoa!
A woman of unbelievable beauty had just stepped onto the train. This particular ride on the commuter rail was definitely shaping up to be much better than normal.
Bear in mind that my experience on the commuter rail has conditioned me to set rather low expectations in gauging what constitutes a "good" ride. If I can somehow keep from dropping my monthly rail pass on the grimy floor, that's a "good" day. And if I can manage to stand up from my seat without smashing my skull into the overhead shelf, that's an even "better" day.
Clearly, this day was headed for uncharted territory. The woman stepping onto the train had exotic beauty: she looked like the Indian actress Aishwarya Rai, and I quickly imagined the two of us sharing some exquisite palek paneer.
"Fool!" my inner voice of reality broke in. "You're bald! BALD! Sure, People magazine has thrown the 'sexy' label at bald studs like Gandhi and Kojak, but they're celebrities! You're nothing! A BALD NOTHING! She's no more likely to notice you than your rail pass, which, by the way, is on the floor again. Idiot!"
It was true. Every time some bald hottie like Dick Cheney had rammed his head through the glamour world's glass ceiling, I thought I saw a glimmer of hope. Unfortunately that glimmer was actually just a street light reflecting off my shiny scalp.
Sexy bald guys.
Not surprisingly, I have learned to appreciate women like Aishwarya's twin from a distance. But she was moving closer ... and closer.
Oh my God ... oh my God! Aishwarya was now sitting next to me! Not even slamming my head into that damn shelf (which, in fact, I would end up doing later) could taint this pinnacle of a commuter rail experience.
What should I do? My mind was racing. I could play it cool and ignore her, subconsciously sending out a vibe that says, "Oh yeah, the babes naturally sit next to me all the time. I'm used to it."
Or I could turn to her and say, "Hey baby, what's that smell?"
Huh? Don't say that you idiot! Well, of course I wouldn't say that, but seriously, what's that smell?
Oh no, it can't be! It is! It's her! Holy God, she smells awful! A truly horrible smell was radiating outward from her deceptively beautiful body. I couldn't even risk looking at her -- my gag reflex forced me to turn away, burying my face in my shirt collar in a pitiful attempt at protection from the odor.
Talk about mixed messages. This is like when a hot nurse tells you to take off all your clothes (yes!), so you can slip on a ridiculous looking johnny (no!) and get subjected to probing medical tests that will hurt for days and scar you emotionally for weeks (please God no!). Or it's like a miracle pill that will re-grow all the hair on your head (yes!) but, as a side effect, will render you permanently impotent (no!). "I know baby, I know ... But look at my beautiful hair!"
When the train pulled into my station, I bolted from my seat and nearly ran the whole way home. Along the way, I started to see the humor in the situation. So, of course, I was eager to share the laughs with my wife. Oddly, she wasn't laughing. As the flames in her eyes grew to a roaring inferno, I pointed to my left and said, "Look! Keanu Reeves!" And as she turned, I ducked and hid behind the couch.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
18 votes
3.7
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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The Golden KChiki 50,379  11
06/10/2009 10:32 PM
This story sounds awfully familiar. I smell shenanigans.
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0 votes
0.0
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John Hargrave 116,580 19
06/10/2009 10:35 PM
I've ridden that commuter rail!
And banged my head on that same overhead shelf!
Alas, I never sat next to a Hindi sex vixen with B.O.
Plenty of other people with B.O., though. Including myself.
Funny article. We're linking it from the homepage today.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Azz Lava 148 1
06/11/2009 10:50 AM
Is it me or does it look like she had a c-section on her armpit?
Whatever... I'd totally lick that.
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Funny
6 votes
3.5
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Jeff Haynes 622 1
06/11/2009 08:38 PM
"I smell shenanigans."
Uh, that's me. I sprayed myself with a can of shenanigans when I got home that day to freshen up.
Ah, but seriously... thanks for the HUGE compliment! I'm used to the more traditional critiques, like "you suck," or the infrequent but cherished death threat. But pulling out the "P" word (plagiarism) -- that's big time. Thank you so much.
Unfortunately, I can honestly say this contribution is unworthy of the P word. I really was stuck on the train next to a good looking, bad smelling woman. And it has taken a lot of work to retrain my eyes and nose to work together since.
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0 votes
0.0
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Like a Ravos 34,133 10
06/11/2009 08:40 PM
Is it me or does it look like she had a c-section on her armpit?
It looks like totally ruined junk. Like an old man's face with a bullet wound.
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0 votes
0.0
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Like a Ravos 34,133 10
06/11/2009 08:47 PM
For some reason she reminds me of a young, female, Indian Rodney Dangerfield.
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Funny
4 votes
3.3
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Shell Belle 31,257 9
06/11/2009 09:23 PM
Your story enticed me to furtively check out my armpit smell situation. They smell like baby powder.
I'm not sure why I felt I had to be furtive about it, as I'm alone right now, but you never know what kind of sickos with armpit fetishes might be lurking in your bushes watching.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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KChikita Banana Box 50,379 11
06/11/2009 09:24 PM
Nah, I'm not one to hand out the "you suck" insults. And it wasn't meant as an insult. I genuinely remember this scenario but can't remember where or who from. You did write it well, though.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Mothcleaner 3,592 5 Steps out of the bushes, and pretends like he had dropped something.
06/11/2009 10:14 PM
but you never know what kind of sickos with armpit fetishes might be lurking in your bushes watching.
What? I was looking for my dog!
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Mike O'Brien 49 1
06/17/2009 08:39 PM
It was true. Every time some bald hottie like Dick Cheney had rammed his head through the glamour world's glass ceiling, I thought I saw a glimmer of hope. Unfortunately that glimmer was actually just a street light reflecting off my shiny scalp.
HA! You might have trouble with hot chicks who smell terribly, but at least you can make really funny bald jokes.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Millie 107,014 10
06/18/2009 08:45 AM
Good. I like it when beautiful people have other horrible flaws. It evens things out.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Millie 107,014 10
06/18/2009 08:46 AM
Hmmm, have "other" flaws? Like being beautiful is a flaw? Meh--I guess it's time to go to bed.
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