Twits of the Week: Nicole Richie! Deborah Gibson! Matchbox 20!
A comedy article
by syncope | 06/19/2009 12:11 AM | 1083 views
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If you gave a million monkeys a million typewriters and a million year deadline, you still wouldn't get any writing half as inane and self-absorbed as Ashton Kutcher on a good day. That's why ZUG asked me to deliver this Twit of the Week column: a way to wade through the garbage and bring you the dumbest celebrity tweets week in, week out, like it's my own circle of hell.
Deborah Gibson (DeborahGibson)
Just did a Burger King commercial/endorsement! Can u say "Free onion rings 4 the rest of my life?!?" Starts airing 6/29! 17 minutes ago from txt
Wait ... who?
I just want to point out that I'm mad at Deborah "Don't Call Me Debbie" Gibson, because I had a "Let's Get Physical" joke all cued up and ready, until my wife reminded me that was Olivia Newton John. So instead imagine a really witty "Foolish Beat" of your own choosing joke right here. Maybe something with word play, like "Foolish Tweet." But yeah, that Debbie Gibson. The '80s, big hair, teeny bopper, nowadays toiling in relative obscurity Debbie Gibson. But call her Deborah. Because what she really needed was to confuse her brand with consumers.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Debbie, I -- okay, sorry, Deborah, you were a teen icon in the '80s and early '90s. You were the youngest person to ever write and record a #1 single in the U.S. You've been on the cover of teen magazines, you've starred in Broadway plays, you've toured with various theatre companies, and you even still record and release songs that are something called Adult Contemporary. Now I'm not sure how your money management skills are, but you should be able to afford something a step up from Burger King. I'm talking at least an Applebee's or something. And if things are so low that you're doing commercials in exchange for food, get something with some protein at least. You're just going to be hungry again in an hour.
Rob Thomas (ThisIsRobThomas)
Haiku: five thirty am / rainy trip to the airport / too early for me about 2 hours ago from TwitterBerry
Wait ... who?
Rob Thomas is the mid-ranged droning idiot who attempted to completely ruin music in the mid-90s with his group of tireless suckasses, Matchbox 20. Not content to make it impossible to turn on a radio without hearing that goddamn frat band bullShakespeare, he decided to kill any credibility Carlos Santana ever had by teaming with the guitarist to unleash "Smooth" on an unsuspecting populace. I realize my shtick here is to be smarmy with celebrities, but god damn I hate Rob Thomas. I mean if you told me I could kill Rob Thomas in the most horrible way imaginable, but at the same time I would get terminal cancer, I'd need at least a weekend to mull that Shakespeare over.
Why are you tweeting that?!
My theory is that, much like everything else he does, Thomas posted this haiku solely to infuriate me. Any economy of words is lost by labeling the thing a haiku, and what exactly is so pressing that it has to be shared? That it's early? That it's raining? Jesus, even Ashton Kutcher tries to relate what's going on to the throngs of disinterested people watching him tweet. This is the internet version of a Santana collaboration and it makes me want to vomit blood.
Diablo Cody (diablocody)
My German shepherd needs a harassment seminar. He just ran in here with a huge boner and knocked me down. 3:30 PM Jun 9th from web
Wait ... who?
If you're pretty sure your local TGI Friday's makes a mean Diablo Cody, you can be forgiven for not realizing she's actually the Oscar-winning stripper-turned-screenwriter responsible for the most overrated movie in the last two decades: Juno. She's also writing the Spielberg-inspired Showtime series United States of Tara.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Because she's Diablo Cody, man! Because she's spunky and not afraid to admit she used to be a sex worker or, apparently, inspect her dog for a hard-on. That's how wild and free she is! She can't function without drawing attention to herself as a sassy, sexy woman opening her mouth and saying who knows what! See also: Sarah Silverman Syndrome.
Nicole Richie (nicolerichie)
One of the funniest movies ever, Sister Act is on TV. I am so excited my toes are tingling about 5 hours ago from web
Wait ... who?
She's one the horrific reminder of the consequences of dancing on the ceiling without protection. Yes, she's Lionel Richie's adopted daughter, but she's most famous for whatevering her way through the Midwest with fellow STD reservoir Paris Hilton in The Simple Life.
Why are you tweeting that?!
I hope this is some sort of joke on anyone dumb enough to pay attention to a Twitter account from Nicole Richie. "Ha ha!" she's exclaiming jubilantly, "The 14 people listening to what I have to say will be completely thrown for a loop! Sister Act; what a great non sequitur to ironically say I enjoy!" In reality, though, Richie probably is dumb enough to actually believe Sister Act is one of the funniest movies ever. Either that, or she's just mind-numbingly high.
And ZUG.com's Twit of the Week is ...
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (kaj33)
If you would like to know my thoughts about Iran's election I posted @ www.kareemabduljabbar.com about 8 hours ago from web
Wait ... who?
Apparently in between acting roles in Bruce Lee's Game of Death and Airplane!, Abdul-Jabbar tried his hand at basketball and was pretty good at it, if you consider six championships, six MVP awards, and holding the all-time NBA scoring record good.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Did you just read that bit about the basketball? Did any of it say "geo-political talking head?" Why the hell would anyone care what a retired, albeit extremely talented, basketball player thinks about Iran? Sure, he's Muslim, but I haven't heard anybody seeking opinions from any other 7' Muslims with little to no political experience or understanding. It's like me offering tips on a press defense, or Magic Johnson hosting a television show. There's no experience there to justify it, so doing it is just going to look stupid.
That's it for this week. Got a bigger Twit? Submit your ideas for celebrity Twitters to follow here! Don't forget to follow Zug on Twitter as well!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
13 votes
4.4
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0 votes
0.0
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Thud
06/19/2009 12:24 AM
You should run some twitterish stuff from some of the trying-my-damnedest-to-be-cool politicians.
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0 votes
0.0
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John Hargrave
06/19/2009 12:31 AM
I was quite amused by your rage at Rob Thomas.
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Funny
6 votes
3.3
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Dogs Akimbo
06/19/2009 02:53 AM
This line is choice: My theory is that, much like everything else he does, Thomas posted this haiku solely to infuriate me.
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Hilarious
9 votes
4.3
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Discombobulated
06/19/2009 04:05 AM
I was in college when the Santana/Rob Thomas song came out. I was watching the music video with a girl and she says: "I can't believe Rob let his guitarist have so much face time in the video that's so cool of him to give his guitarist some credit."
That's the only time I've ever punched a girl.
that wasn't pregnant.
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0 votes
0.0
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Remarkably similar to a Ravos
06/19/2009 11:09 AM
It's like me offering tips on a press defense, or Magic Johnson hosting a television show.
Or Shaq making a movie about Genies.
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0 votes
0.0
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Pants
06/19/2009 09:17 PM
Now I'm not sure how your money management skills are, but you should be able to afford something a step up from Burger King. I'm talking at least an Applebee's or something.
I'm pretty sure that she's not buying a Burger King.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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syncope
06/19/2009 09:46 PM
I was ready to 5-orb Nutbutters' link based on the airplane footage. Then a giant shark bit the Golden Gate Bridge in half, and I wished I could 500-orb it.
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.2
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Whistler P. McManus
06/21/2009 02:20 AM
I 5orbed this article for several reasons, but high on the list was for teaching me that it is possible for a woman to dress in nothing but a whipped cream bikini and still fail to turn me on.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Arty Farty
06/23/2009 01:24 PM
Awesome! I liked it so much, I joined Zug, just to comment!
The best part was the Rob Thomas part. It is good to see someone else who would consider forfeiting their own health, just to cleanse the earth of his inane warbling.
The worst part for me is the fact that my wife actually likes Matchbox 20... in fact, she ended up buying his freakin' solo album and (this is the really bad part), like to play it while we are in the throws of our marital bedroom endeavors. Honestly! There I am trying to do my duty as a man and husband and all I can think about is what type of boot would be best for kicking this whiny turn in the gooch!
The worst part is how my brain is all messed up now, and violence directed at Thomas gives me a semi...
So! 5 zugs for your extremely funny (and slightly erotic) article!
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