Twits of the Week: Ryan Seacrest! Kim Kardashian! Perez Hilton!
A comedy article
by syncope | 06/25/2009 08:14 PM | 368 views
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Every week I bring you ZUG.com's Twit of the Week, a skewering of celebrity micro-blogs from Twitter.com. I've found it's kind of like having a sore tooth: It hurts, but I can't stop poking it with my tongue. Here are this week's dumbest celebrity tweets, stuck between my teeth right at the gumline.
Kim Kardashian (KimKardashian)
Fergie just told me I look like the brunette Marilyn Monroe! about 6 hours ago from TweetGenius
Wait ... who?
Kim Kardashian followed the Paris Hilton route to fame by partying like only the daughter of one of the OJ Simpson defense lawyers could. When that didn't work a sex tape surfaced. Kardashian, naturally, denied it was her, then promptly sued and took $5 million. Just to prove she was above such vile things, she then posed for Playboy. Currently, she does whatever the hell she wants and documents it on a reality show for the E! network, because they needed something to show in between re-runs of The Soup and True Hollywood Story. Oh yeah, she's also famous for having a huge ass. Seriously. A cursory Google image search turns up roughly 10,000 photos all with the same pose.
Why are you tweeting that?!
The only thing Kardashian has in common with Marilyn Monroe is that a lot of guys have spent some alone time with the lights out thinking of each. If Kim is trying to emulate Monroe with her career, she's falling short every time. Think about it: Monroe got her big break posing for a now-iconic series of photos in Playboy. Kardashian got her break banging her boyfriend on camera. Monroe starred in Some Like it Hot. Kardashian starred in Disaster Movie. Monroe got tired of being typecast as a dumb blonde so she studied at the Actor's Studio to legitimize her acting. Kardashian embraced being dumb and landed a reality show. Here's hoping Kardashian will get the "overdose on barbiturates" part of her career right.
Donnie Wahlberg (DonnieWahlberg)
Question- with all the hating on the "chollo socks".... What are you actually saying? Are you hating on my latino brothers? Mis mexicano's? about 5 hours ago from UberTwitter
Wait ... who?
He's one of the New Kids on the Block and brother to Marky "I'm a Serious Actor Now" Mark Wahlberg. Donnie got one thing right in his entire existence: he landed the role of First Sergeant C. Carwood Lipton in HBO's Band of Brothers. After such critically-acclaimed success he went all Sean Penn on us and played the ol' mentally challenged card in Dreamcatcher. After a bunch of other mediocre roles he's back with New Kids on the Block and touring. Presumably they spend the first half hour of each show trying to explain who they are to today's 14-year-old girls.
Why are you tweeting that?!
First of all, once you're over 15 it's incredibly weird to refer to friends, let alone large ethnic populations you don't know, as your brothers. We're not hating on the "chollo [sic] socks," Donnie. We're hating on you. For wearing them. You're like that white guy that shows up at the concert in dreadlocks. Everyone knows you shouldn't be wearing them, because you're white and inherently lame. Quit co-opting cultures and embrace your own. Wear your socks the Irish Catholic way or just accept that you're never going to look Latino and people are going to call your pasty ass out on it if you try.
Kylie Ireland (kylieireland)
The kittens are killing each other and I really don't care. about 7 hours ago from web
Wait ... who?
No, not Kathy Ireland. Kylie Ireland is a Hall of Fame porn actress. Seriously. They have a Hall of Fame. I bet the floor is stickier than an old movie theatre on a Saturday night, but they have a Hall of Fame nonetheless. And what else can I really say? She was voted AVN Best New Starlet in 1995, but most of her accomplishments involve putting big things into small places, so there's not a lot of detail I'd really like to get into. You can probably figure the rest out with a google search and some time alone.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Let's set aside the obvious stupidity of taking the time to point out something that you don't care about, Kylie. I realize a lifetime of hardcore sex, bondage, and various multiples of penetration have probably left you jaded and a little unattached, but c'mon. Kitten murder? You can't get a little riled up at the possibility of two kittens fighting to the death? Despite being a self-described cat lover, Kylie's got no emotional attachment to the tiny balls of fury laying waste to each other in her living room. Presumably because she's watching the Neda video and noting it could use more DVDA.
Ryan Seacrest (RyanSeacrest)
Why do we eat popcorn so quickly...its like I am trying to save their lives by getting them in my mouth quickly... about 9 hours ago from TweetGenius
Wait ... who?
He's the Eddie Haskel of the youngest generation, a smarmy suck up who grew to fame on the crest of his American Idol hosting duties, in addition to a severely watered-down radio show and various hosting gigs sometimes involving Kathy Griffin topless.
Why are you tweeting that?!
I assume by "popcorn" Seacrest meant "men," but we'll have to take it at face value here. These are simply the rambling thoughts of a douche who is at a point in his life where no one will ever question him. Ever. Anyone around Seacrest at this point has a vested interest in continuing to make a buck off him, so batShakespeare insane things like saving the lives of popcorn kernels via ingestion just receive a nervous laugh followed by, "Heh, yeah, I guess so Mr. Seacrest." I would love to see Seacrest head out on a humanitarian mission, perhaps in Darfur or Somalia, to begin eating some babies. To save them.
And this week's Twit of the Week (as if you didn't see this coming) is...
Perez Hilton! (PerezHilton)
I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke. about 4 hours ago from Sidekick
Wait ... who?
Perez Hilton set out to become famous for something even dumber than Paris Hilton. Finding it pretty hard to top "I'm famous because I'm famous, and also a whore," Perez eventually found a knack writing a gossip blog at PerezHilton.com, and thus became a fat gay guy famous for blogging about celebrities who are famous for being famous whores. I know, the plot line kind of spirals in on itself there.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Perez let loose a real diatribe the night of this "attack," and the ensuing gossip news frenzy threw most of the tweets out for all to see, so it was tough to pick a winner. I think any time you've been assaulted by an angry group of men and may need police and/or medical attention, you should flip that Frost-ing Sidekick over and use the PHONE function to call 911. What was he wanting, exactly? For a morbidly obese Brittany fan in Hot Springs, Arkansas to call the Toronto police for him? This tweet also wins for inspiring the mental image of this guy...
...getting beat up by this guy...
...hopefully to the beat of this song.
Got a celebrity you think might be Twit of the Week material? Post it below. And don't forget to follow ZUG on Twitter!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
17 votes
4.5
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Funny
5 votes
3.4
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John Hargrave
06/25/2009 08:18 PM
Great as usual.
It seems that will.i.am agrees with the verdict that if you are truly needing a paramedic, there are probably faster routes to get help than Tweeting about it to thousands of gossip-loving gay men.
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Funny
9 votes
3.4
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Frogpop
06/25/2009 08:51 PM
Nothing in the world travels faster than gay man gossip.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
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Funny
6 votes
3.7
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Professor Nutbutter
06/25/2009 09:24 PM
Presumably because she's watching the Neda video and noting it could use more DVDA.
This may very well be the sickest, funniest, most brilliant single line of text I've ever read on the internet.
Bravo, sir.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.2
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Poor Little Bastard Me
06/26/2009 03:26 AM
In these tough times it's easy to lose one's sense of optimism. Then, out of the blue something wonderful happens that restores your faith in humanity.
Perez Hilton gets punched in the face!
Perhaps there's some justice in this world after all. The next thing we need to do is parole Charles Manson, give him a nice sharp knife and drop him off at Dr. Phil's house. Hey Doc, you think you can fix everybody's problems? There's a problem coming your way!
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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Thud
06/26/2009 03:30 AM
I guess you missed the chance to feature Michael Jackson's twitter gibberish.
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Funny
4 votes
3.8
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Whistler P. McManus
06/26/2009 03:32 AM
If this Syncope guy tweeted, I'd definitely be one of his twats.
Wait, what?
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Ravos the Sasquatch
06/26/2009 11:33 AM
You already are, Whistler. You just don't know it yet.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Whistler P. McManus
06/26/2009 02:48 PM
Heh.
Speaking of twats, that Kylie Ireland has some set of boobs on her, right?
And so does Perez Hilton
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0 votes
0.0
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Randall Cleveland
06/26/2009 11:03 PM
I'm starting to think Whistler's just reading my articles for the boobie pics.
And MJ kicked the pasty white, effeminate bucket right after my deadline, but so far there's plenty to tackle on the subject for next week!
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Whistler P. McManus
06/27/2009 03:47 AM
No, Sinko. Your articles are entertaining and informative. For example, before I read this one, I had no idea why Kim Kardashian was famous. I hadn't put her together with the participant in the O.J. defense. Now I have added that tidbit to my heap of useless knowledge.
On an unrelated topic, I admire will.i.am, and not just for putting a beating on Perez Hilton or for coming up with that name (which I love). I actually like the music of the Black Eyed Peas. But I can't watch their videos because there's the possibility that the scariest, creepiest thing I've ever seen* will appear in them.
*Fergie's face.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.7
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Millie
06/27/2009 10:53 PM
Kim Kardashian is stupid and has a big butt, but I think she's very pretty. Other than that, though, I only know her from Dancing with the Stars and she sucked on that.
Perez Hilton should be punched in the face at least once a day. And, again, I know nothing about him. I'm basing my opinion on his picture. I don't care if I'm judgmental.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Whistler P. McManus
06/27/2009 11:27 PM
I did a little google searching to augment my knowledge of Kim Kardashian, and found out that O.J. Simpson is her godfather.
I also found out that there is nothing wrong with her butt, or any other part of her body. I'm a fan of the voluptuous Mediterranean look. And then I got distracted from gathering any further information.
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0 votes
0.0
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Randall Cleveland
06/28/2009 02:06 PM
I don't care if I'm judgmental.
You are, but it's why we love you so much.
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0 votes
0.0
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Gonzo
06/29/2009 12:41 PM
How come nobody ever remembers back when Ryan Seacrest's douchebaggery (I just made a word!) was limited to 6:30 am Saturday mornings on the SciFi Channel as "the thing that takes up time when Sophie Formica isn't on the screen" in C-Net Central's "The Web"?
Surely that's a humbling role for him.
Mmmmm...... Sophie Formica......
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0 votes
0.0
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Gonzo
06/29/2009 12:43 PM
Crap! Meant to work in "early AOTS prototype" in there somewhere...
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0 votes
0.0
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Phuc
07/02/2009 02:07 PM
"Douchebaggery" has been a word for some time now. The existence of John Mayer necessitated its creation.
Great work, Sink o' Pee!!
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