Strange Sex: Do the Dew
A comedy article
by Randall Cleveland  49,019  14
06/27/2009 05:35 PM 377 views
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In high school I was that kid that talked a big game without having actually done much. In fact, I was that kid in middle school; looking back I'm sure most of my friends spent their time with their backs to me rolling their eyes so fiercely they were in danger of spinning out of their heads.
Verbally, I was Don Juan-meets-Caligula. My house was one of the first to get a dial-up internet connection in the early '90s so I had a few years' knowledge of the horrors and depravity out there compared to my pals, and naturally I used it to explain that yes, in eighth grade my "girlfriend" (we had written each other's names on our hands, after all) Autumn and I were swingers. And also sado-masochists. And possibly snoodlers, once I had a chance to figure out what that was. So naturally in my freshman year when Autumn dumped me and I got a new girlfriend the talk of all my prior exploits and experience, despite only being 14, continued.
The problem was my new girlfriend was the real deal. She was a total cougar at 15: an older woman who knew what she wanted and wasn't afraid to get it. She'd also had sex and, if rumor (and by rumor I mean she) was to be believed, anal sex too. We'd met on a camping trip and she lived three towns over, so we'd while away most evenings having the kind of epic, marathon phone sex that only wildly-inventive and marginally-knowledgeable teenagers can. We planned the ways we'd ravage each other if only our stupid parents weren't watching us like hawks.
Then it finally happened. My dad had dropped me off at her place for the day and her mom had apparently drunk herself to sleep. We were alone, outside on the back patio. They had a tiny apartment so the patio was a 6' x 6' square of concrete surrounded by a tall wooden privacy fence. When the kitchen light went out we started making out. Again, I was a pretty good talker, but when confronted with actual boobs I wasn't sure what to even do. Luckily, I had a coach.
"Mmmm, suck 'em, lover," she whispered hoarsely in my ear. At 15 she was also a hardcore smoker. Of Marlboro Reds. She reeked of cigarettes and her voice was like a cross between Jack Palance and the singer from Crash Test Dummies. Suddenly I realized I didn't want any part of this. Would this be an awkward time to break up?
I noticed a constant force, which I quickly identified as her hands, on the top of my head pushing it down. Soon I was on my knees between her legs as she sat in a plastic lawn chair, shorts still on.
"I want you to lick it," she rasped, "[i]like honey from a butterfly's wings{\i]." The logistics of that ran through my mind and I started to explain that butterflies were kind of scaly and the honey would really be overkill on such a delicate frame when she pulled the leg of her shorts open.
I was at the Gates of Mordor. Actually it might've been that cave Gollum lived in. I panicked, and started to explain that I couldn't do this, but she gave my head a shove and I was plunged into darkness.
I need to stop right here to tell you something about St. Louis summers. They're hot. I'm writing this in June and at 8am this morning it was 88 degrees. My story happened in god damn August. Summers regularly come with a heat index of 100+ temperatures, and that's because we also have ridiculous humidity almost constantly above 50%.
So we had been outside for several hours talking, making out, and dry humping, and now suddenly there I was buried in sweaty crotch. I'm not saying this to be anti-woman or say, "Hey, vaginas are gross." I had never experienced a real live sexual encounter before, and now I was tossed into the deep end. And it was awful. As awful as you'd expect your own crotch to be after sitting outside for a few hours on a steamy August night.
I tried my best but between the roiling anxiety in my gut, the sticky hot summer air, and my girlfriend's personal stance against any sort of bush maintenance I lost the will to go on.
I dry heaved.
She didn't seem to notice, so I stopped what I was doing and grabbed a Mountain Dew on the table next to me. It was warm. I chugged it anyway.
"Hey, is everything okay?" she asked. I could see concern on her face. I realized I might have an out if I went for the sympathy vote.
"Actually, I think I'm getting sick," I explained.
"Well, you don't have to keep going then," she said flatly. Shakespeare. I had screwed up, and now she was pissed. I offered that we go back to just making out, but she was having none of it. "Maybe you should just call your dad."
So I did. And spent the next 30 minutes on her front lawn alone waiting for my ride.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
10 votes
4.3
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Hilarious
8 votes
4.3
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Thug Knight 241  7
06/27/2009 06:03 PM
...Masturbating quietly in the bushes.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.7
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
06/27/2009 06:55 PM
That's the sort of sweet, nostalgic childhood story that warms my heart. Thank you, Sync.
P.S. - you had me at my girlfriend's personal stance against any sort of bush maintenance. You don't by any chance still have her number, do you?
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Hilarious
18 votes
4.4
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Frogpop 173,153 25
06/27/2009 10:22 PM
spent the next 30 minutes on her front lawn
Isn't that what got you sick in the first place? Ohh!
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Funny
7 votes
3.4
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peoriagrace 6,166 11
06/28/2009 02:05 AM
Actually it might've been that cave Gollum lived in. I panicked, and started to explain that I couldn't do this; I tried my best but between the roiling anxiety in my gut
Which one of these 2 phrases made you relize you were gay?
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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John Hargrave 128,751 73
06/28/2009 04:55 AM
I too broke out laughing at the "bush maintenance" line, and not because you were talking about our former Presidents.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Randall Cleveland 49,019 14
06/28/2009 10:00 AM
I can probably dig up her number, Whistler, but I'd warn you that the years have not been kind and the smell issue is probably just going full-time now.
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0 votes
0.0
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Ravos the Sasquatch 63,472 21
06/28/2009 08:16 PM
You had me at 'John Hargrave'!
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0 votes
0.0
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
06/28/2009 08:49 PM
Sinusitus>Vaginitis.
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0 votes
0.0
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Kevin Allison 809 5
07/17/2009 09:53 AM
Most lepidopterists caution against licking the honey from a butterfly's wings. Or slathering it on in the first place.
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