The Tampon Trials: Which Tampon is LEAST Absorbent? A comedy article
by Ball Saxbury | 06/29/2009 02:48 PM | 2342 views
Which tampon is the least absorbent?
This sounds strange, because for most products -- paper towels, maxipads, adult diapers -- absorbency is a good thing. But with tampons, ultra-absorbency can cause the rare but fatal Toxic Shock Syndrome, which is why doctors recommend that women use the least absorbent tampon they need.
Now, I'm a guy. I know nothing about these things. But this makes me worry for all the womens out there. We've got to cut down on tampon absorbency. As far as I'm concerned, these super-absorbent tampons are just waiting to explode.
All I see is a plastic-wrapped bullet with a freaking fuse.
Yes, explode. I'm conerned that an extremely voluminous flow, combined with the slurping power of these mega-absorbent tampons, could cause a massive expansion resulting in injury. Let's call it "Exploding Vagina Syndrome."
I decided to call up Seventh Generation, a company that makes chlorine-free, organic cotton tampons, and ask them about the safety of their products.
Note: "Super Plus" really means "Explosive Absorbency"
SEVENTH GENERATION: Hello and thank you for calling Seventh Generation customer support, my name is Fred, how can I help you?
ME: Hi, Fred, I'm calling because I wanted to ask you a couple of questions about your organic tampons.
SG: What can I help you with?
ME: Do your products contain any harmful chemicals?
SG: The tampons, uh, they're chlorine-free and have only organic cotton.
ME: Are your products all FDA approved?
SG: Uh, yes they are.
ME: What about GPA?
SG: Uh, I'm not sure, I can find out for you.
ME: What about PTSD?
SG:[Awkward pause]ME: FBI? DVD?
SG: I'm sorry, is there anything else I can help you with?
ME: Has your company ever considered moving away from disposable, one-time use tampons. Landfills, all over the place, are being filled up with used tampons. I was wondering if you have any plans to release an environmentally friendly, reusable tampon.
SG: I, uh, I don't believe we, uh, the products we sell, uh, need to be thrown away for safety reasons, you should never reuse a tampon.
ME: I'm trying to find a fireproof, asbestos tampon. Do you make any tampons with asbestos?
SG: I don't believe so, sir.
ME: Now, my girlfriend has an incredibly heavy menstrual flow. It's like a red tidal wave. I buy her the extra absorbent ones, but I always worry that if they expand too much, they'll make her vagina explode.
SG: I'm sorry, but unless there is something I can help you with, I am going to have to end this call.
ME: There is something you can help me with! You still haven't answered my question!
SG: What question is that?
ME:Is her vagina going to explode?SG:[Hangs up]
I took that as a "yes," or at least a "probably." The only thing I could do was test the absorbency of various tampons myself, so that the women of the world would know which tampon sucked the least. Literally.
I got a free Tampax Pearl sample in the mail a few years back. I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER use those again. I woke up in the middle of the night and it felt like the red sea was pouring down my legs. When I turned on the light, I discovered that's because it actually WAS. Wow, those sucked something awful.
I generally use the OB brand. I hate tampons with applicators.
I just got off the rag, so I'm felling pretty good.
That's all I feel like sharing with the world right now.
Those tampons in the first picture are adorable! The way they are smiling, it's like someone just told them that they are about to be inserted in a vagina and they are blissfully contemplating what will happen next. Except when the moment comes, and they see the blood. Oh my god, the blood.
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