The Tampon Trials: Part 2

The Tampon Trials: Part 2
A comedy article by Ball Saxbury | 06/29/2009 10:51 AM | 986 views

My assignment was to discover which tampons are least absorbent, to protect women from the rare and fatal Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS) and the even more rare and possibly made-up Exploding Vagina Syndrome (EVS). Both are caused by mega-absorbent tampons with names like "Super," "Super Plus," and "Big 'N' Thirsty."

When I called the people at Seventh Generation, they gave me the runaround, which made me think they were hiding something. So I set out to the local Wal-Mart to buy some tester tampons.

First of all, I had no idea there are so many kinds of tampons. Extra-strength, super-absorbent, a thousand different brands to choose from. No wonder women get so grouchy.

I spent a good twenty minutes just standing and admiring the sheer grandiosity of the wall of tampons. I couldn't shake the feeling that I should be kneeling and praying or something.

I ended up grabbing a whole bunch of different brands, and got some strange looks as I walked through the store like this.

When I went to check out, my cart contained eight boxes of tampons, a bottle of fruit punch, a bottle of transmission fluid, a can of tomato juice, and hamburger meat. As the woman working the register was scanning in my items, she stared straight down and didn't make eye contact with me. I asked her to hit the "credit" button for me, and she started laughing nervously.

When I got home, I ran into one problem: getting the tampon boxes open. I don't know if it's to keep tampons gender-exclusive or what, but I swear, those boxes are male-proof. I tore at it for twenty minutes before having to get the tools.

Nothing whatsoever. Apparently tampon boxes are made out of titanium. Who knew?

I went and got something a little more heavy duty.

I couldn't find any real safety goggles, so I had to improvise. Also, the box still wouldn't open.

I decided to turn up the heat.

In conclusion, if you're me, be sure to have an oxyacetylene torch on hand if you need to get into a box of tampons.

Having figured out how to open the box, I was now ready for the experiments to begin.

Continue on to Part 3!

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