The Tampon Trials: Part 2
A comedy article
by Ball Saxbury  518  6
06/29/2009 10:51 AM 3197 views
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My assignment was to discover which tampons are least absorbent, to protect women from the rare and fatal Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS) and the even more rare and possibly made-up Exploding Vagina Syndrome (EVS). Both are caused by mega-absorbent tampons with names like "Super," "Super Plus," and "Big 'N' Thirsty."
When I called the people at Seventh Generation, they gave me the runaround, which made me think they were hiding something. So I set out to the local Wal-Mart to buy some tester tampons.
First of all, I had no idea there are so many kinds of tampons. Extra-strength, super-absorbent, a thousand different brands to choose from. No wonder women get so grouchy.
I spent a good twenty minutes just standing and admiring the sheer grandiosity of the wall of tampons. I couldn't shake the feeling that I should be kneeling and praying or something.
I ended up grabbing a whole bunch of different brands, and got some strange looks as I walked through the store like this.
When I went to check out, my cart contained eight boxes of tampons, a bottle of fruit punch, a bottle of transmission fluid, a can of tomato juice, and hamburger meat. As the woman working the register was scanning in my items, she stared straight down and didn't make eye contact with me. I asked her to hit the "credit" button for me, and she started laughing nervously.
When I got home, I ran into one problem: getting the tampon boxes open. I don't know if it's to keep tampons gender-exclusive or what, but I swear, those boxes are male-proof. I tore at it for twenty minutes before having to get the tools.
Nothing whatsoever. Apparently tampon boxes are made out of titanium. Who knew?
I went and got something a little more heavy duty.
I couldn't find any real safety goggles, so I had to improvise. Also, the box still wouldn't open.
I decided to turn up the heat.
In conclusion, if you're me, be sure to have an oxyacetylene torch on hand if you need to get into a box of tampons.
Having figured out how to open the box, I was now ready for the experiments to begin.
Continue on to Part 3!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
21 votes
4.8
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Funny
12 votes
3.8
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John Hargrave 128,123  71
06/29/2009 10:55 AM
The picture of sparks shooting off a box of tampons is possibly the most awesome thing I have seen this month.
And by "month" I mean "28-day cycle."
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Amusing
3 votes
1.3
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peoriagrace 6,153 11
06/29/2009 12:55 PM
I like your hammer and anvil; if you know what I mean.
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Hilarious
10 votes
4.4
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Cuddlefish The Brave 65 6
06/29/2009 05:02 PM
Your approach is completely wrong.
You have to take the box out to dinner before you can open it.
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Side-splitting
3 votes
5.0
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Thud 66,695 17
06/29/2009 05:27 PM
Two words for you: Reciprocating. Saw.
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0 votes
0.0
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Eric von Gooberbeinerheiben 0 3
06/29/2009 08:06 PM
Is... is that a diving mask and snorkel?
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Ravos the Sasquatch 62,361 20
06/29/2009 08:39 PM
Where the Frost did you even get an anvil?
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Millie 116,854 28
06/29/2009 08:42 PM
I worked in a tampon factory.
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Ravos the Sasquatch 62,361 20
06/29/2009 08:45 PM
That explains the anvil. Thanks Millie.
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0 votes
0.0
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Cuddlefish The Brave 65 6
07/02/2009 11:14 PM
Stop metaphorically raping my female condition with your "oxyacetylene torch".
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0 votes
0.0
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Brogel 76 8
07/03/2009 05:30 PM
Nice how Wallmart is SUPER too.
Wallmartian Vagina Syndrome? Exploding WallCarroll?
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