Ravos as Baldilocks 34,350 10
06/30/2009 04:38 PM

Last year I had a party at my cottage. One of the girls who came was running around with a ton of small fireworks, throwing them under people's chairs while they were just sitting there. You'd just hear a tell-tale hissing, and a bang. It left singe marks on the patio.

Then, she decided it would be a good idea to throw one into someone's tent while they were sleeping. Then wait 10 minutes and do it again. It burned a hole through the bottom of the tent, a foam pad, and a pillow.

Then again, this girl also set my back hair on fire, and tried to knife me all in the same weekend.

KChikita Banana Box 50,423 11
06/30/2009 05:09 PM

One memorable Fourth of July, we attended a party at a friend's apartment. We were setting off those cheap little fireworks that you can buy at the grocery store (smoke bombs, fountains, that sort of thing) and a friend was filming most of it. In the package, there were two mini tanks. This was the same year that Saving Private Ryan was in theaters, and we decided to re-enact the movie with my friend's camcorder.

In the video, you could see us set the camera down on a cement slab, and position the tank to perform a drive-by of the camcorder. A hand comes down with a lighter and lights the fuse on the tank. You also hear massive giggling in the background.

The tank ignites and jerks on it's little cardboard wheels, then suddenly makes a left turn, zooms right into the lens on the camcorder and bursts into flames.

We start screaming "OHMYGOD! GRABBIT!!". The video jerks as one of us grabs the camcorder and yanks it away from the teeny inferno.

The plastic on the camcorder was slightly melted in spots, but it still functioned. We watched the video over and over for the rest of the night.

KChikita Banana Box 50,423 11
06/30/2009 05:10 PM

At another party, we were at a different friend's house who lived on the river. We decided the safest place to set off our fireworks would be on the small dock right on the water. What we didn't take into account was that the dock was made of old wood.

Highly flammable old wood.

FAIL.

Chix is in da house 238,089 14
06/30/2009 05:35 PM

This past weekend I went camping with my Sunday School class. There must have been 20 families and roughly 70 people.

I haven't bought fireworks in years, but my 13 year old son was bugging the crap out of me so I stopped in and got some bottle rockets, a couple of ridiculously long strings of firecrackers, and something that looked like a m80, but was called a m160 and probably sounded like a loud cracker, but not like the old m80 days.

I set one off in the parking lot of the firecracker store. Just as I thought. No biggie.

I had the stuff in the back of my SUV on hold for next week and we went on to the camping trip. Later that evening, I went to the SUV to get out a flashlight and saw the bag of death.

My brain immediately disconnected and I once again became an idiot 18 year old. I pulled one of the wussy m160's out and walked over and put it in the center of the set campfire, and promptly forgot about it.

WHAT THE Frost WAS I THINKING?!!!!

Flash forward an hour or so and the families are all gathered around the freshly lit campfire, marshmallows on sticks, and smallest kids near the front in anticipation of smore overdoses.

KAAAAAAAABLAMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOO!

Sparks must have flown 30 feet. Shards of wood zipped past heads. Mothers dove over their children and sheilded them with their bodies. Children screamed. Fathers raged. My brain suddenly reconnected and then promptly shut down completely in fear and loathing.

The thing went off like a dynamite cap. Holy crap I could have put someone's eye out.

Course, I played dumb. No use in throwing myself on my sword.

My inner 18 year old giggled hilariously.

Professor Nutbutter 150,834 14
06/30/2009 07:08 PM

I live in Massachusetts, where fireworks are illegal.

Therefore, I do not have any fireworks stories. Because fireworks are illegal in Massachusetts.

I do, however, have a great story about the excessive sales tax I was charges while being forced to witness a marriage between two men who were high on decriminalized marijuana.

Whistler P. McManus 141,410 23
06/30/2009 07:34 PM

This is why I love this place. You see the dumbass hi-jinks of a Chickens juxtaposed with the intellectual satire of a Nutbutter. Kind of like going from a Bob Levy show to Carlin at his finest. And I love 'em both.

My favorite fireworks moment happened when I was about 12. Fireworks were illegal in New York then, too, which meant you had to buy them from cops. My neighbor, Mike, who was about 15 and a bit of a bully and Emerson, liked to shut lit cherry bombs in mailboxes and garbage cans and things like that. Some us us dumb younger kids would follow him around and laugh and generally encourage his eventual disfigurement.

Finally, it happened. One of the cherry bombs didn't go off. He pronounced it a dud, and retrieved it from the garbage can. Then, for some reason, he decided to shake it. It went off in his hand as it was passing his ear. About a quarter of his ear came off, along with most of the skin on his thumb and first two fingers. There was blood and skin all over everyone, and this kid was laying on the ground holding his bloody ear with his bloody hand. He ended up completely deaf in that ear. Or what was left of it.

I probably would have screamed and ran home to my mother except that my friend Chris just started laughing and pointing at him with such unmitigated delight that I started laughing, too. I'm pretty sure I got a beating a couple of weeks later for laughing. Whatever. It was worth it.

Now that I think about it, that incident might be the origin of the sickness that eventually led me to this place...

Whistler P. McManus 141,410 23
06/30/2009 08:01 PM

I was at a 4th of July party years ago at an apartment on the 43rd floor of an apartment building. This was in the then newly gentrifying neighborhood of Hell's Kitchen, where this gleaming jewel of a high rise was still surrounded by crappy tenament housing and roach infested bodegas.

We were out on the balcony, and way down below there were kids setting off bottle rockets in the street. One of the rockets went onto the roof of a two or three story building across the street, and a fire quickly started.

The fire spread amazingly quickly, and pretty soon the whole building was engulfed and four or five fire trucks were there. The street was shut down, cops were swarming around, there was a t.v. news truck and all kinds of people running around.

From 43 stories up, though, and probably under the influence of several licit and illicit substances, the fire looked about the size of a small cooking fire at a campsite. The trucks looked matchbox sized, and the whole thing unfolded like a disaster movie filmed inside an ant farm.

Don't do drugs, kids.

Rock LobstARRRGHH!!! 9,793 9
06/30/2009 09:17 PM

I don't know why, but every time me, my little brother, and alcohol come in contact with my best friend Philip, someone ends up in the hospital.

Example:
It's 4th of July last summer. We were having a big cookout at my family's house. No big deal. My brother and I were chilling on the patio watching the bonfire start up in the back portion of our property, having a few beers, and sharing a few laughs.

Philip pulls into the driveway with a keg.

3 hours later, the two of them, my brother and Philip, are drunk as sorority girls on Spring Break and decide to play chicken with a couple boxes of artillery shells, and of course I have to be the judge and decide who jumped first.

The boys set up their respective sheets of plywood across from each other, so they don't set the lawn on fire (again) and so they have a stable mounting space for the fireworks. They strip down to their skivvies and boots (Philip left his cowboy hat on also, and I know I have a picture of him somewhere in his tighties, boots, and hat, because I attempted blackmail with it several months ago). They strapped down their fireworks, facing each other, and stood behind them.

They light the fuses, and almost immediately my brother starts jumping around like an idiot an slides off the board he was standing on. Considering he was next to naked, he got cut up pretty bad, but nothing too deep. Philip, on the other hand, got burned pretty badly on both his legs, and had a gash on his thigh that required 13 stitches to close.

Hairy Nipples 2,126 5
06/30/2009 11:17 PM

If anyone ever gets tired of the bullShakespeare non-assplody fireworks, try this out.

Empty 3 Piccolo Petes into a piece of a plastic bag and stuff it into the opening of a 2 liter. Then cut a hole in the lid, screw it on, and put a fuse in the hole.

It's extremely loud for being made up of such gay fireworks, so I suggest you put your face up to it when it goes off for maximum hearing loss.

I know it's not a story, but maybe it'll help create a story or two.

Rock LobstARRRGHH!!! 9,793 9
06/30/2009 11:21 PM

Moral of my story: my little brother is a weiner.

Ravos as Baldilocks 34,350 10
06/30/2009 11:29 PM

I have an awesome fireworks story...




One time, I lit some fireworks, and they were awesome looking.

Rock LobstARRRGHH!!! 9,793 9
06/30/2009 11:30 PM

Ravos = FAIL!

Professor Nutbutter 150,834 14
06/30/2009 11:34 PM

It's extremely loud for being made up of such gay fireworks

I had some bi-curious fireworks once but I didn't know which end to light.

Chix is in da house 238,089 14
07/01/2009 12:07 AM

dumbass hi-jinks? DUMBASS HI-JINKS?!!!!


Crap, he's right.

Whistler P. McManus 141,410 23
07/01/2009 12:15 AM

Chickens, I call your hi-jinks dumbass with all love and much respect.

Bill the Squirrel 25,504 8
07/01/2009 02:43 AM

Fireworks are illegal here in California also. When I was 18, a couple of friends and I drove down to Tijuana to get some. We ended up in a club that featured a woman having sex with a donkey. We stayed there for hours and forgot the fireworks. I now believe, like Whistler, that fireworks are responsible for me being as Frosted up as I am.