Quantcast
The Tampon Trials: Part 3
A comedy article by Ball Saxbury | 06/30/2009 08:50 AM | 1126 views
My assignment was to discover which tampons are least absorbent, to protect women from the rare and fatal Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS) and the even more rare and possibly nonexistent Exploding Vagina Syndrome (EVS). Both are caused by mega-absorbent tampons with names like "Super," "Super Plus," and "Big 'N' Thirsty." [Read Part 1 and Part 2 here.]

Now that I had bought eight boxes of tampons and spent four hours opening them, it was time to do some professional testing.

First, a couple of basic measurements for standard tampon properties: dimensions, weight, drag coefficient, etc.



That there's your standard 304 tampon, if you need something larger, you'll want a 202, or possibly a 944. They discontinued the 510, yup, that sure was a tampon. They don't make them like they used to.

I took one each of the four major brands, Equate, Kotex, Playtex, and Tampax, and performed highly scientific measurements of absorbency.

The first test: cranberry juice fruit punch.



The winner of this first test was the Playtex, absorbing much more of the red fluid than the other tampons.



I didn't rush any part of the testing. Indeed, I spent 45 minutes doing this.

The Score:
Equate: 0
Kotex: 0
Playtex: 1
Tampax: 0


Up next, tomato paste. This thick, red fluid would be a true test of the tampons' absorbent qualities.



The one on the right, the Tampax tampon, swelled so much it started to fall apart, making it the clear winner.



It's mind boggling how far one will go in the name of science. As it turns out, all tampons taste the same. Go figure.

The Score:
Equate: 0
Kotex: 0
Playtex: 1
Tampax: 1



Next, automatic transmission fluid. This stuff is extremely hard to get off your hands, smells awful, and is quite hazardous. In retrospect, I probably should have just used real menstrual fluid, but unfortunately I didn't have access to a uterus.



I think I took more safety precautions doing this than I would have had to for handling actual used tampons.

The Kotex ended up absorbing the most transmission fluid.

The Score:
Equate: 0
Kotex: 1
Playtex: 1
Tampax: 1

The final test yielded no results, as all four tampons proved to be very poor at absorbing the last substance I had prepared.



Because of the terrible performances by the four tampons in the meat-absorption test, I deducted one point from each of their scores, for a final score of:

FINAL SCORES:
Equate: -1
Kotex: 0
Playtex: 0
Tampax: 0

Since we were looking for the least absorbent tampon, the lowest score won, and the loser was the winner. Yeah, that's right, Equate brand tampons, you suck. (Or at least, you suck badly.)



Sadly, even if only one person buys the Equate tampon tomorrow, then even the worst-performing tampon will get into more vaginas than I do.

In conclusion to this whole experiment, tampons are more dangerous than pretty much anything out there, and you should never, never use them. But don't take my word for it:



Like This? Rate It!
Hilarious 13 votes 4.5 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1830714
Share It
Share on StumbleUpon Share on StumbleUpon 0 shares
Share on Facebook Share on Facebook 9 shares
Share on Fark Share on FARK 0 shares
Share on your site  Share on your site: 6 shares
 
Digg It!

13 Comments (Funniest: John Hargrave,UofL3000,slapnuts the magnificent)

Side-splitting 1 votes 5.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1830715
John Hargrave
06/30/2009 08:55 AM

I'm never looking at ground beef the same way again.



Funny 3 votes 3.7 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1830717
Bill the Squirrel
06/30/2009 09:14 AM

but unfortunately I didn't have access to a uterus.


Shelle Belle has one she's not using.



Chuckleworthy 2 votes 2.5 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1830747
peoriagrace
06/30/2009 01:11 PM

You know why that guy's hand is bandaged, right.



  0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1830750
Ball Saxbury
06/30/2009 01:17 PM

As far as I'm concerned, the only true winner in this experiment was the meat.



Side-splitting 1 votes 5.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1830751
Dead Pussy
06/30/2009 01:44 PM

Ohhhh baby! You had me at "Big 'N' Thirsty."



Hilarious 2 votes 4.5 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1830755
Hairy Nipples
06/30/2009 02:02 PM

Well that does it for me and tomato paste. Good game tomato paste.



Side-splitting 1 votes 5.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1830884
UofL3000
07/01/2009 02:51 PM

That was really funny, good article.



Side-splitting 1 votes 5.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1830985
Thatsgreat2345
07/02/2009 11:14 AM

You make me want to be a woman.



Amusing 1 votes 1.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1831124
Brogel
07/03/2009 05:38 PM

You know why that guy's hand is bandaged, right.

You can tell the difference between boys and girls, right?

I know I can't.



Amusing 1 votes 1.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1831138
peoriagrace
07/04/2009 02:19 AM

Well I thought the bandaged hand person was a guy; I could be wrong.



Funny 5 votes 3.2 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1831142
Dogs Akimbo
07/04/2009 08:49 AM

This article was well planned, written and funny. I couldn't figure out why it was done outside, though.

Then I realized that his mom didn't want him to get tomato paste on the new carpets and wouldn't let him do it inside the house.



Side-splitting 1 votes 5.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1831323
slapnuts the magnificent
07/06/2009 12:31 PM

I am disappointed that there were no tests involving breadsticks from Olive Garden.



Funny 1 votes 3.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1831373
Ball Saxbury
07/06/2009 04:41 PM

I am disappointed that there were no tests involving breadsticks from Olive Garden.

I'm not made of money ...