Every week I bring you ZUG.com's Twit of the Week, a skewering of celebrity micro-blogs from Twitter.com. And without further ado, I introduce this week's twits:
Adrianne Curry (AdrianneCurry)
dropped my boo off in his car.was pulled over cause the cop said his windows r 2 dark!thank god he let me off!i aint goin down 4 his Shakespeare! about 3 hours ago from txt
Wait ... who?
She's the woman who won season one of America's Next Top Model. After that fizzled she wound up on VH1's Surreal Life and courted no one's favorite Brady Buncher Christopher Knight. They got married and of course needed a reality show for that as well so My Fair Brady was born. Nowadays she just sort of shows up in Maxim whenever Megan Fox doesn't make it outside for photos. She also holds the unique distinction of being the only person ever featured in this column whose house I've passed on the street.
Why are you tweeting that?!
According to Wikipedia, Curry made about $450,000 for each of the three seasons of My Fair Brady. That's over a mil and we're not even counting the other reality shows, commercials, magazine shoots, and of course all that Next Top Model money. Are you for real sweating a $150 ticket for window tinting? You probably could've gotten off with just a signed photo.
Cesar Millan (cesarmillan)
Know the local laws before you head out to the beach. Some beaches don't accept dogs; others require that they be on-leash. about 4 hours ago from HootSuite
Wait ... Who?
He's the Dog Whisperer. He's also, according to my mom, "The Little Mexican Guy Who Pokes Dogs So They Shut Up," which sounds like what you might get if you ran "Dog Whisperer" through Babel Fish a couple of times. Millan is in fact Mexican and prides himself on "rehabilitating dogs" while "training humans." While we're talking about doggie rehab, someone get A&E on the phone. I've got a pitch they're gonna jump at.
Why are you tweeting that?!
I get it, Cesar. You're all about proving your superiority with the canine species by showing us how stupid we are with our dogs. My pit bull might bite anything that moves within a five yard radius of its jaws, but 20 seconds with you and it's going to be wagging its tail and playing fetch and I'll have to go buy a new goddamn pit bull because why would anyone want a friendly one? So I get it. You're looking out for the dogs. But you know what? Sometimes I just wanna take my dog to the goddamn beach because it's a great ice breaker with women who are already partially naked. So stop Coleridge blockin' and go teach a Shih Tzu to play euchre or something.
Becky "Buck Wild" Johnston (BeckyBuckwild)
Why the Frost do I have solutions for everyones problems except my own? about 4 hours ago from TweetDeck
Wait ... who?
You're excused for not knowing who the hell she is. Buck Wild was a contestant on season 1 of Flavor of Love, and was quickly eliminated. Strangely, she elected not to kill herself despite failing to seduce this man, and now spends time on the reality/party girl circuit rolling up the toothpaste tube that is her 15 minutes of fame for every last possible drop.
Why are you tweeting that?!
Because you can't prescribe yourself penicillin? Because it's going to take an uninvolved third party to let you know that you're white? It's not such a stretch to imagine Becky can't get her own life under control, but who the hell is so far astray that they're coming to this woman for advice on their problems?
Matisyahu (matisyahu)
Anyone got a motorcylce they want to let me take out till soundcheck. I'll be your best friend. about 4 hours ago from Tweetie
Wait ... who?
He's the American Hasidic Jew Reggae rapper. I know, I know, "but which American Hasidic Jew Reggae rapper?!" He's the one that shat out that song "King Without a Crown" into national airplay in 2004. Since then? Meh. He tours, and he's still rapping about having sex through a hole in the sheets or whatever, but the spotlight turned off a couple years ago.
Why are you tweeting that?!
First off, no one's fallen for the "I'll be your best friend" bait and switch since second grade. Does this guy look like he would even know what to do on a motorcycle? Of course you're not going to trust him. He seems more like the type to admonish you for driving so loudly and explaining how one day you're just going to be gefilte fish all over the road and then Oy, your poor mother! Racist caricatures aside, if you're going to ask for my motorcycle at least learn how to spell motorcycle.
And this week's Twit of the Week is ...
Fran Drescher (frandrescher)
Hooray It's my 9yr anniversary of wellness. I ran into a gal on a hike who thanked me . Sometimes th best gifts come in th ugliest packages! 11:32 AM Jun 21st from txt
Wait ... who?
To me she'll always be the plucky reporter staring down at her dwarf cameraman in UHF, but Drescher's had a surprisingly diverse career spanning Saturday Night Fever, This is Spinal Tap, and of course, CBS's "The Nanny." She also became an activist speaking out against her rape at gunpoint (she saw the rapist convicted) and her battle with uterine cancer (that's one hell of a rapist). Hence the "9 year anniversary of wellness."
Why are you tweeting that?!
Congrats on beating cancer. But are you that stuck up that you have to insult the woman who thanked you by saying these things come in the ugliest packages? And what the hell was she possibly thanking you for? Having the most penis-confusing combination of good looks and grating, horrible vocals on earth? She pays you an empty compliment and the best you can do is call her ugly. Not even to her face, but to the entire internet. If we apply typical Kevin Bacon separation rules to this it's a matter of about four days before this woman has the following conversation:
Woman: Guess what? I ran into Fran Drescher the other day!
Friend: Yeah, I heard. She made you seem like a real Emerson.
Jesus, Drescher, cool your jets. I'd say karma's a bitch but you've already proven pretty resilient, so kindly go back to not existing as far as I'm aware.
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