Public Flashing: The Accidental Nudist
A comedy article
by Jeff Haynes | 07/03/2009 12:04 AM | 2833 views
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Local lore said there was a nude beach on the island. And I wanted to go.
It was vacation time -- time to be adventurous and free. Clothes free.
My wife and I were staying in a second-floor room of this cozy bed and breakfast on Block Island. It was the first morning of our week-long stay, so the possibilities seemed endless.
But still, I knew that it would be a tough sell trying to get my wife to go to a nude beach.
Personally, I am not fazed by nudity. In my line of work (photography), nudity is something you get used to pretty quickly. My wife, however, has a more modest view on the subject.
So I was building up a list of arguments to persuade her:
"You look great!"
"It will be fun!"
And my favorite, "We will never see these people again."
Plus, you get to meet so many interesting people.
Despite the odds against me, I must have been feeling optimistic about my chances, because I started layering on my sunscreen as soon as I got out of the shower. Sunburn on your back or shoulders is bad enough, but ... yeah, you can imagine the rest.
There was a full-length mirror in one corner of the room, and I was using it to make sure I had on enough protection to withstand 10 minutes in a microwave oven set on "high." I remember thinking that I must have some healthy sunscreen habits, because man, my skin is white! It's almost as bright as the sun...coming in through the window...the open window next to me...the open window that opens to a deck below...a deck that, among other things, has a table full of people eating (or trying to eat) breakfast, but who have all stopped to stare at me.
Crap!
Like a gazelle getting hit by a car, I made a move that was powerful but ugly, graceful and yet spastic. I did a half-sideways, half-backward leap across the room. And as I landed I instantly collapsed to the floor -- desperately obeying my brain's command to "Get back and get down!" So much for not being fazed by nudity. I guess there are still some situations where I am, in fact, quite fazed.
At least, more fazed than her.
And of course, in that fleeting second as I flew across the room, I understood there was NO WAY I could talk my wife into going to the nude beach now. But I had more pressing matters to think about: How much had the people below seen?
The answer was painfully obvious: everything. And they all had plenty of time to stare at everything, as I stood there oblivious, coating myself in sunscreen.
Keeping below the window's bottom edge, I crawled over to the wall to eavesdrop on the conversation below -- hoping to hear words like "huge" and "enormous." No such luck. Uh oh. What if I hear something soul crushing, like "small" or "tiny?" Luckily, that didn't happen either.
I think the only thing I actually did overhear was something about "breakfast and a show." Best of all, I didn't hear anyone getting physically ill. And I decided that was enough of a compliment for me.
I sat there thinking about my argument "We will never see these people again," and I realized I would be living with these people every day for the next week.
That's when my wife asked, "So, you still want to go to that nude beach?"
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
13 votes
4.4
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0 votes
0.0
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BarneyBites
07/03/2009 12:33 AM
I'm sorry,Did you say something?
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Funny
4 votes
3.3
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Whistler P. McManus
07/03/2009 02:38 AM
This article is just fine without any pictures.
Funny stuff, Jeff. Thanks.
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Funny
5 votes
3.2
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Jeeni: Currently granting wishes
07/03/2009 04:21 AM
Great story. Hah! Oops!
When hubby and I were just boyfriend and girlfriend and fresh out of art school, we went to a "clothing optional" beach to sketch people. (free models, yay!) We chose to wear clothes. Boring, I know. I'm not into to punishing people.
As we walked up to the beach we passed many naked people leaving.
I never received so much eye contact in my life. People were afraid that if they broke eye contact, my eyes would pareuse their body, which of course, was right, but I was using my peripheral vision like mad 'cause I'm pervy like that for art sake.
I think the creepiest part of that day were the old men sitting in the bushes (as if they were camouflaged) with one hand in their "pocket" and the other holding binoculars trained on the naked women frolicking on the beach.
Ah. The good ol' days.
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.8
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Redwing
07/03/2009 04:47 AM
Please, tell us more about "the naked women frolicking on the beach."
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.3
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Jeff Haynes
07/04/2009 10:14 PM
"People were afraid that if they broke eye contact, my eyes would pareuse their body, which of course, was right, but I was using my peripheral vision like mad"
Where can I sign up for this kind of peripheral vision training?
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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John Hargrave
07/06/2009 08:24 PM
Awesome. The mental image of a guy strutting in front of a mirror, slathering sunscreen on his junk, while other people watch this over breakfast, is almost picturesque in its comedic horror.
Linked from the ZUG homepage today.
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0 votes
0.0
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The ARRH! in Diarrhea
07/07/2009 06:33 AM
Hi Red! Gotta pee or something? And what's with the binoculars?
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Jeff Haynes
07/07/2009 10:41 AM
You've got to love the dude in the naked race photo who took the time to put on his heart monitor (the black strap chest high).
Sure, nudity is wonderful, but health/safety comes first.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Kevin Allison
07/17/2009 01:38 PM
At least the sunscreen worked.
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0 votes
0.0
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iphone insurance
07/31/2009 02:40 PM
The hardest thing about ever being on a nudist beach is the eye strain...
Not from oggling at everything - but trying NOT to oggle everything - or at least, trying not to let it look like you are...
Or trying not to to let other people see you are.
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iPhone Insurance Guy
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