Most Embarrassing Boss Moments: Cleaning a Horse's Penis
A comedy article
by Buck Me Running  59  3
07/04/2009 01:17 PM 6253 views
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You know, there's nothing quite like hearing your boss holler the phrase "shaft of the penis" at the top of her lungs. Gets your attention every time, doesn't it?
One of the things that attract me to veterinary medicine is the ability to spend your days making animals well again (or at least trying). The other is how much of your time is spent doing tasks that are, well, funny. After all, much brilliant equine diagnostic work is done with an arm shoulder-deep in a horse's bunghole.
Does this horse make my butt look big?
Before my senior year of college, I worked as a large animal vet tech for a mostly equine practice. Much of my job involved working in the hospital for the handful of vets seeing cases in-house, but the rest took me out on the road with veterinarians; ambulatory vets, if you will.
One sunny day in August, I was on the road with my favorite veterinarian, Dr. Miller. She's a spunky, short-tempered firecracker of a person, all neatly packaged into a slim but sturdy 5'2" frame. We pulled up to a large lesson stable to visit our patient, Bucky.
Now first, a quick word about horses. Horses are large animals, and are proportionately well endowed in the wedding tackle department. Your average horse's hose dwarfs your average man's member in the same way a Hummer dwarfs a Mini. Since it's an evolutionary disadvantage (I guess) for horses' enormous junk to be constantly swinging in the breeze, horses have the ability to retract themselves into a sheath -- how convenient!
Note: not erect.
Back to the story at hand: Bucky was a sweet, custard-colored fellow who had suffered a bad fall onto gravel. His owners had left his legs bandaged for far too long, and I could see Dr. Miller swell with anger as we led him out of the stall. She whipped out a pair of bandage scissors and sliced madly at the gauze and elastic wrap, tearing the bandage material away with vehemence.
Then she glanced at Bucky's nether regions. His sheath was swollen to epic proportions, since it hadn't been cleaned since perhaps the Clinton administration. Dr. Miller brusquely instructed me to fetch what I would need to clean him up: Bucket of warm water, cotton wool, cleaning solution, and 2 rectal sleeves.
While I was shredding tufts of sheet cotton into the bucket, Bucky stared at me warily. It was almost as though he knew that I'd shortly be messing with his dick. It retreated even farther into its swollen sheath, much like a turtle hiding in its shell. Dr. Miller administered a shot of Acepromazine, a sedative that also has the convenient side effect of getting a male horse to "relax" -- or drop his enormous penis out of its hidey-hole.
Bucky's beef whistle cautiously emerged an inch or two -- if that.
I donned my rectal sleeves -- which, incidentally, are full-arm-length plastic gloves -- and received my Johnson-cleaning instructions from Dr. Miller:
"Grab the shaft of the penis and pull. The most important thing to remember is this: Don't let go of the shaft of the penis. Then you can really clean way up in there, but if you let go of the shaft of the penis and he pulls it back in, you won't get it out again."
Then she walked away.
I picked up my first tuft of soaking cotton, grabbed Bucky's dong, and pulled. Nothing happened. I pulled harder. I glanced sideways at Bucky's face, curious to see what he thought of this stranger yanking his groin ferret. He didn't look thrilled, but he was doing his best to tolerate my, uh, actions.
"Hel-LOOOO down there!"
I shoved my other hand (the one holding the cotton) up into his sheath, and started cleaning him as best as I could. My left hand wielded the cotton tufts, while my right hand gently guided his piss weasel out of the way.
Just as Dr. Miller came by to check on my progress, I released my grip on Bucky's John Thomas to grab a little higher up. Woo, that did not fly with the boss!
"You let go of the shaft of the penis! What was the first thing I said? DON'T LET GO OF THE SHAFT OF THE PENIS!"
I jumped. Then I started to suppress a growing explosion of giggles. Part of me wondered if Dr. Miller could yell "shaft of the penis" any louder -- there might have been some lesson kids on the other side of the property who didn't hear her.
"Grab it and pull! Really pull!"
She grabbed my arm (the one attached to the hand holding Bucky's manhood [horsehood?]), and hauled away like she was trying to start a chainsaw.
"He's gonna care that you cleaned it, not that you pulled on it a little bit!"
Now guys, if someone grabbed hold of your pecker and pulled that hard, what would you do? Bucky the Gentleman merely winced and allowed me to continue.
After I finished cleaning his schlong, I patted his neck extensively and thanked him for not kicking me in the face.
I never saw Bucky again, but I'll never forget tugging on that horse's giant penis.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
15 votes
3.6
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.5
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Ali_Legend 844  7
07/04/2009 02:47 PM
So, how much did you get paid for your prostitution cleaning services?
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Funny
10 votes
3.6
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A Marinating Sash 1,353 7
07/04/2009 03:46 PM
Shut yo mouth! He's talkin' bout Shaft!
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Buck Me Running 59 3
07/04/2009 04:38 PM
Alas, I got paid a weekly set amount - I have no idea how much my pimp boss charged for the service.
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Side-splitting
3 votes
5.0
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Jeff Haynes 631 4
07/04/2009 06:11 PM
I think I can manage my own hygiene. But the pulling part could still be worthwhile.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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FunkyMunkyPunkyWunky 316 4
07/04/2009 07:32 PM
Possibly a good thing that it was a gelding or all the excessive pulling probably would have ended up in A LOT of mess and some possible mental scarring... Although I guess you could have charged the owner for some additional services.
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0 votes
0.0
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Alarm Clock the Patient Robot 6,348 4
07/05/2009 12:34 AM
After I finished cleaning his schlong, I patted his neck extensively and thanked him for not kicking me in the face. Guys, ponder this - if you were a horse, would you let a vet and her tech pull (hard) on your wing dang doodle under the noble guise of improving your personal hygiene? Hmm...
Wait a second. I could have possibly gotten a free (hard) double jerk off if I were uncircumsized? Frost!
This wouldn't have happen if the horse's name was Buckensteinberg.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Reverendhongry - Omniscrotent 303 6
07/10/2009 12:16 AM
Shut yo mouth! He's talkin' bout Shaft!
Then we can pull dig it.
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.8
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Hollis 7,284 14
07/10/2009 01:09 AM
My horse used to, uh...pull his pants down so to speak, every time I would approach him. I never really pursued the relationship.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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xentar 473 7
07/12/2009 08:34 AM
Despite the overabundance of questionable and unvaried humor, ZUG seems to be such a versatile place at times. I mean, what other site can (sometimes) be funny and accomodate the needs of equine porn connoisseurs? Although they'd probably complain about the lack of a video report...
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