Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did,it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."
"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"
"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't Frost her."
The Fritzl family where doing really well on Family Fortunes until the host asked "Name somewhere you can take your daughter for a treat."
Apparently Josefs answer of "Up the Shakespeareter." was deemed inappropriate..
That the words race car spelled backward says race car.
That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense ate.
And
Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out:
"Frost off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking Coleridgesuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat Frost-ing, smelly rag head bastards with you."
If a moron with a thing for the dirty sanchez was calling someone who has been around 3 times longer than him a n00b just to whore for a cheap clickie, would it make me funny to point it out?
Additionally, seeing as you apparently haven't been around long enough to actually know what a proper hazing was, you should probably keep your clicky whoring to subjects you know about.
That the words race car spelled backward says race car.
I thought the words "race car" spelled backward would spell "race car".
And
Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out:
"Frost off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking Coleridgesuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat Frost-ing, smelly rag head bastards with you."
How weird is that?
About as weird as you thinking any of that Shakespeare was funny.
Little Johnny was confused. His mom was Jewish and his dad was black. He goes up to his mom and asks, "Mom am I more Jewish or more black?"
"I don't know Johnny. Go ask your father." Says his mom.
"Dad, am I more Jewish or more black?" repeats Johnny.
"What the hell kind of question is that?" replies his dad.
"Well, it's like this: Tommy down the road offered to sell me his bike for fifty dollars, and I don't know if I should jew him down to twenty-five bucks or just wait 'til he goes to sleep and steal the Frost-ing thing."
Racist jokes are about the lowest form of humor. They are typically simple, simple minded, offensive, and lack value. Most people grow out of that once they grow up a social conscience.
We can do better here, even with the known douchebags who can't seem to escape their real-life racism.
Black people usually have curly hair. Mexicans usually like beans and chiles. Chinese people usually live in China. White people most recently enslaved the largest group of people based on race (with help). People as a race generally walk on two legs. Crybabies usually get offended by something because they are insecure.
Racism only has the power you give it, sissy. Do you think all these people here really masturbate to dead babies? That would seem to be a much bigger issue.
So these three guys without any particular race or ethnicity are driving around drinking on a long trip. They all stop to take a pee. The first guy takes a huge gulp of vodka, throws it in the air and shoots it. This prompts the second guy to ask why.
"Back in mother land, we have plenty of this so wasting it is not such big deal."
They drive down the road drinking a bit more, and once again stop to water the grass. The second guy throws a bottle of Tequila up in the air and shoots it. This gets the third guy, whose state they were in seperates his county from the second guy's country by a "Big River," to ask,
"Ya'll got a lot of that where ya'll are from, pardner?"
The second guy responds, "Si, amigo. Iss all over the place. No problemo to waste a little."
They all start to head back to the car when the third guy says, "Wait a minute."
Then he picks up the second guy, throws him in the air and shoots him.
When I make a racist joke, I make it in an ironic sense, so the real joke is not in the words I'm speaking, but in the subtext, which is that I am pointing out how stupid racism is.
Anyway, that's what I tell the Polacks when they get insulted. And they always fall for it.
Thank you for twisting my words Rev. I don't know or care what his race is. All races have anally sensitive members. I was just trying to solve his racism issue with more racism by saying that whatever his race was, was especially excluded.
point with eyes and mumbles under breath, "behind you dude."
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Thud 66,695 17 rolls his eyes, craps out
07/30/2009 06:58 PM
Alarm clock, got sit in the corner. There's a special hat waiting for you.
OK, so, a Guinea, a Ogden Nash and a spic are walking on the beach. They stumble upon a magic lamp.
They rub the magic lamp and out pops a genie. Genie says, "I am a genie and I will grant you three wishes."
The guys talk amongst themselves and agree to one wish each.
Ogden Nash goes first and says, "I want all my people to go back to their homeland, and live happy lives and never want to come back to America."
POOF!
The Ogden Nash disappears.
The spic goes next and says, "Yeah yeah I want that too, back in my homeland and happy and Shakespeare."
POOF!!
The spic disappears.
So here sits the Guinea all alone on the beach. He asks the genie, "So my buddy, the Ogden Nash, and all the rest of the Ogden Nashes in the country, they're all gone?"
Farrah Fawcett arrived at the Pearly Gates and God asked her what he could do for her having led such an honest life. Farrah asked God to simply make sure the children of the world were safe. Five minutes later, Michael Jackson died.
Here in England they put pictures of lung cancer, tumors & other smoking related illnesses on cigarette packets to deter you from smoking *cough*.
Why don't they put pictures of Gary Glitter, Johnathan King & Michael Jackson on packets of sweets??
Crazy stubborn, spineless, Brits. When will you learn?
In the states, if they charge us to use the bathroom, we piss or Shakespeare on the outside of the stall. This is why we don't listen to ya'll anymore.
Frost paying for the toilet, 'spend a penny' is an old English phrase for taking a piss. Don't know where it came from..
If you go into a McDonalds to use the toilet with no intention of buying food, that is called a McShakespeare.
If you get stopped by the staff and tell them you're gonna buy food after you've used the toilet that is called a McShakespeare with Lies...
That's weird about "spend a penny" then. Is that all the whores charge over there to piss on them? Do you throw a penny in the urinal and make a wish? What the hell? Do ya'll even have pennies? Learn to do Shakespeare right, and learn to speak English while you're at it.
Two muffins are baking in the oven.
One turns to the other and says, "Is it hot in here, or is it just me?"
The other one screams, "HOLY Shakespeare! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
Guys chowing down on a bowl of soup and his glass eye falls in and of course he eats it. Couple days go by while he waits for the eye 'to pass' but nothing happens. So the guy goes to his doctor and explains he's having a little trouble...seems kinda plugged up. So the doctor says, 'drop your pants, bend over and I'll have a little look-see'. So the guy drops his pants and bends over the examining table. Doc says, 'well the first thing is, you gotta trust me...'
Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in.
Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Little Boy Blew
I saw a couple walking with their child in a pushchair today, the bloke was wearing a "Who's the Daddy?" T shirt.
From seeing the colour of the baby, it was a genuine plea.
Dawn French has been diagnosed with MRSA, the flesh-eating disease.
Doctor's have given her 30 years to live!
A potential buyer is drawn to this one painting at an art festival. It's a beautiful landscape of some hills at sunset with a small body of water near the bottom. There are a nude Indians making love all over the grass of the hills while several fish are leaping from the water with halos around their heads. He see's the artist approach and asks him what the painting is called.
"It's titled Custer's Last Stand."
After asking why he gave it such an odd name, the artist explains that it's the best he could do to represent Custer's last personal thoughts. The potential buyer still looks puzzled, so the artist explains:
A business man going on a trip is wary about leaving his wife home alone, unsatisfied while he's gone, so he makes a run to the local erotic store. After looking around, unsatisfied, he's about to leave until he sees a beautifully inlaid box behind the counter almost hidden from view. He questions the shopkeeper about it and is told that it's quite expensive, but worth it.
"It's a magic voodoo dildo. It's very rare, very powerful, and must be used with caution." The shopkeep opens the box and displays an ordinary straight dildo, and the business man is unimpressed.
"Just watch," expels the shopkeep. "When I tell the correct command words, it responds on it's own." He picks up a donut. "Voodoo dildo, this donut!" The dildo flies out of the box and begins to thrust rapidly in and almost out of the hole in the donut. "But always remember; voodoo dildo, your box." The dildo returns and the box closes itself. Very impressed now, the man hands over his card and rushes home to tell his wife about it.
He explains to her the instructions, but she figures he's just messing with her. She waits til he's gone a few days, then figures, "Eh, what could it hurt?" She gets it and says, "Voodoo dildo, my Poe." Of course, the toy flies up and goes at her with more gusto than she can handle. After she's completely exhausted she tries to remove it, but it won't come out. "Get back in your box!" Nothing happens. Well, it's still going at her, and she's involuntarily half-way enjoying it still, but gets worried and decides to drive to the hospital for help, even though it will be terribly embarrassing.
As she's driving there, she can't maintain concentration well enough to drive properly and starts to swerve all over the road. Soon enough, a cop pulls her over and questions her. She explains the whole story to him and tells of her plight.
The cop looks her square in the eye and replies, "Yeah right, voodoo dildo my ass."
A man is sentenced to death after being convicted of murder. He throws himself on the mercy of the court, telling the judge "I'll do anything not to go to prison." The judge then tells him "come back in the morning and I'll have three tasks for you. If you complete these tasks completely, then you can be a free man." The man complies.
The next morning, at the courthouse he is led to a large room which has three doors. The judge instructs the man, "In the first door there are 50 gallons of cheap wine. You have to drink it all. Behind the second door is a lion with a loose tooth. You have to pull his tooth. And behind the third door, is the nastiest crack whore to ever walk the earth. You have to satisfy her with multiple orgasms. Complete all three tasks and you are a free man." The man thinks to himself that this will not be so bad.
So he goes into the first door and stays in there for a couple of hours. He emerges from the room, completely scalded drunk. He proceeds to ask the judge "where tooo yer own her..." The judge points to the second door. The man stumbles his way into the second room and shuts the door behind him. All the sudden the only thing you can hear is screaming, clawing, roaring, blood curling yells and the most horrible noises man has ever heard. Then it goes completely quiet. So quiet that you could have heard a mouse pissing on a cotton ball. Then the door opens slowly. The sentenced man comes out of the room bloody as hell, missing an eyeball, clothes shredded to pieces and can barely walk. He looks towards the judge and asks "so where's this hooker with the loose tooth."
So I went to this bar the other day, broke as hell, as usual. I explained my money situation to the bartender and asked if there was anything I could do to earn a few beers. He said the place was pretty well kept, but there was an old drunk donkey out back and if I could make it laugh, I'd earn myself three rounds. You know, just for Shakespeares and giggles.
So I decided, "What the hell." I gave it my best and returned indoors, and lo and behold, you could hear the donkey hee-hawing in laughter so loud you could hear it even after I closed the door.
"Wow, nice job!" the bartender said every time he poured me a beer. Well, three only wet my whistle, so I asked if there was anything else I could do to earn a few more. By this time, the donkey was still cracking up so loud it was getting very annoying, so he told me I could get free rounds for the rest of the night if I could make him cry and quiet down without hitting him.
I came back in and you could hear the ass's muffled sobs before I shut the door. "That's amazing!" You've earned your fill for the rest of the night, but I'll extend it for the rest of the week if you tell me how you did it.
"Well, to make him laugh, I went back and told him, dead seriously, that my dick was bigger than his. When I went back to make him cry, I showed him."
A man goes to the doctor complaining of a sore ankle. After the doctor sees him for a couple of minutes he tells him that he has to stop masturbating.
the man asks "why do i have to stop masturbating?"
the doctor replies: "because I'm trying to examine you!"
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
Two (insert racially insensitive word here) are shingling a roof, when one (racially insensitive word) looks at the other one and sees him throwing away ever other nail in his box.
"Hey, you stupid (additional or repeated racially insensitive word, depending on intelligence of re-teller), why are you throwing out half your nails?"
the other (racially insensitive word and or stereotype) replies:
"because half the nails have the head on the wrong end!"
"No, you Frost-ing retarded (racially insensitive word)", the first (racially insensitive word) says: "Those are for the other side of the roof!"
A bloke goes to the doctors in Africa complaining of being raped by an elephant.
"Let's take a look" said the doctor.
So the man dropped his trousers to reveal the most gaping, goatse-esque arsehole the doctor had ever seen.
"I don't understand," said the doctor "despite an elephants size they actually have very thin penisses. It shouldn't have done that much damage."
"I know," replied the patient "but the bastard fingered me first."
So there's this ventriliquist traveling America and ends up on an indian reservation. The Vent. goes up to the Chief and says" I bet you I can make your dog talk."
The Chief looks at him for a minute and says, "Dog no can talk." So the Ventriliquist looks at the dog and and asks him, "How does your master treat you, dog?"
The Dog Looks at him and says, " My master treats me good! We go for walks and everything!"
The Chief just has a dumbfounded look on his face and the Vent. says, "I bet I can make your horse talk." The Chief just looks at him and says hesitatingly, "Horse no can talk."
The Vent. looks at the horse and says, "How does your master treat you Horse?"
The horse looks at him and appears to say, "My master treats me good! We ride all over the reservation and he gives me such good brushing downs!"
The Chief is starting to look a little apprehensive and the the Ventriliquist says, " Hey Chief.. I bet you I can make your sheep talk." The Chief quickly throws his hands up and yells, "WAIT NO!!!! SHEEP LIE!! SHEEP LIE!!!!"
A missionary goes to help out with a little African village. While there, one of the tribe's women has an albino baby. Immediately, the village gets into an uproar and wants to kill the white missionary for mingling with their women. The missionary goes on a long walk with the chief and explains to him about albinism, and the chief pretends to following along and understand.
They come across a clearing with some hills in the distance. The chief says, "Okay, I'll buy your albino story, but you must use it practically from now on in all your stories."
Confused, the missionary asks what he means.
"We both know the truth." Then the chief points to a herd of sheep on the top of one of the hills and says, "See that flock of sheep up there? You see that black one? You don't say anything, and I won't say anything."
What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.
Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.
I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.
"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked.
"No," replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".
There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.
He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.
The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.
Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".
"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.
She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".
We were at the beach Everybody had matching towels Somebody went under a dock And there they saw a rock It wasn't a rock It was a rock lobstah with a bloody knife
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
A guy's just started at a chain store. At the end of the day the manager comes to him and asks
"how many sales did you have today?"
"One" replies the man.
"Only one?! Most employees have over ten in a day... How much was it for?"
"122,626 dollars" replies the man.
"Frost! What did you sell?"
"Well first I sold a guy a snorkel. After asking him where he was snorkelling we decided he'd need a boat to get there so I sold him one of our twin engine models. He then said that he didn't think his car would pull the boat, so I sold him a new 4 x 4."
"Well Frost me! You sold a guy a boat, and a four wheel drive all because he was going snorkeling?"
"No way!...
He came in to buy tampons for his girlfriend. I said well since your weekends already Frosted you might as well go snorkelling."
It's August and last year's kindergarteners are beginning first grade.
The teacher starts class: "Welcome to first grade! You might be used to baby talk, but since we are older we don't talk that way anymore. Now, can anyone tell me what they did this summer?"
Susie answers first: "I went for a ride on the choo-choo!" she says excitedly.
"Susie," says the teacher, "Choo-choo is baby talk; say 'train' instead. ...Anyone else?"
Tommy answers: "I was riding my bike and got a boo-boo."
"Tommy," says the teacher, "Boo-boo is baby talk; say 'cut' instead. ...Anyone else? What about you, Billy?"
Billy answers: "I read a book."
"Very good, Billy," says the teacher. "What book?"
A queer guy walks into a bar with a syringe filled with his blood and screams at everyone, "Alright, I'm homosexual and I have AIDS! This is my blood in this syringe and everyone is going to put all their money and jewelry on their tables or else I'll stick them with it."
Everyone does as he says except for one Pollock in the back drinking his beer.
"Didn't you hear me you dumb Frost?" the queer asks. "I'll stick you with this needle and you'll get a deadly disease."
The Pollock snatches the syringe from him, jams it into his own leg, plunges it, then goes back to drinking his beer.
"What the hell man? You know you just gave yourself AIDS, right?" the queer expresses surprised.
The Pollock responds, "No, I didn't you stupid fag. I'm wearing a condom."
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