World's Worst Case of Poison Ivy
A comedy article
by J. Bradford  207  1
07/11/2009 08:46 PM 2669 views
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I have probably grown at least 3 pounds of cannabis in my lifetime. I put seed to soil -- in an attempt to just "see what would happen" -- and then let nature take her course. It took, and I had two sprouts in a small pot (no pun intended) on my front porch. Even though these would have been indistinguishable from any other sprout to anyone but the most experienced botanist/farmer/pothead, I felt the need to go clandestine.
Pot in pot.
So I moved the sprouts to a large vessel and moved that into a space in my backyard. And there they sat. One and a half weeks. Sprouting.
I went back to see what was going on. I didn't think they had survived, and I believed I would just be going back to nothing. But they had grown! They were shooting up like ... well, weeds. Now I'm thinking, "Holy Shakespeare, this could work. I'll make them grow horizontally by training the pliable stems with twist ties and hopefully I can get something out of these." It became my pet project for five more days. Why only five?
There I was, pulling away the kudzu vine that was surrounding my precious prizes. I made sure I had gone to tend the plants around twilight so that the neighbors in the darkness would not be able to readily see me ferreting back there. I must have pulled up at least a pound of the kudzu in a couple minutes. I bundled it in my arms and ran it over to the trash can. I made a final trip back to the plants, where I took a wizz in my backyard -- in the dark, where no one could see.
The next morning...
Generally I despise mornings. Especially mornings when you wake up with countless oozing blisters all over you arms. Very disconcerting to wake up and find out BAM! You're a leper.
"What in the Frost is this?"
"Oh my God, Jon ... that's horrible looking!"
"Well, I'm not itchy ... but oh Shakespeare I think I've got poison ivy on me."
"You were Frost-ing with those plants out there weren't you?"
"No," I said sheepishly.
I got online and Googled "poison ivy." After browsing through several dozen rash pics, I determined this is what I had. But it didn't itch, and only seemed to be located on my arms. I was sure that since I've never had poison ivy before, this was just a slight bit that had gotten through my superior immune system. It was a nice thought at the time.
Poison Ivy.
At about 1:00 pm that day -- a Sunday -- I started to get a little concerned. I was becoming a superhero. A superhero that heretofore shall be named "Itchy Man," and whose superpower was his ability to make others start scratching themselves, say "ick" and leave the room.
The rash had now come on full force, and the sick awful truth of Urushiol (the active allergen in poison ivy) began to unfold. I had read that Urushiol causes its hideous rash/blisters any time between 6 and 48 hours after the initial exposure. And the further along I had gotten from my weeding of the ... well, weed ... the more rashy I was getting. And swollen. And itchy. And itchy and swollen.
My legs were now breaking out. My arms were covering in a rashiness not seen since the Great Rash of 1886 ("You'da membered that'n by cracky if'n you'da seen it with yer own eyes!"). And, uh, how can I put this delicately ... my penis was like the Grinch's heart when he heard all the Hoo's down in Hooville caroling on Christmas ... it had grown 10 times in size that day.
"You need to go to the doctor ... Jesus, Jon ... Oh, honey ... My Lord ... Oh! ... Just go to a doctor."
"Ya think!?"
"Why are you getting mad at me?"
"I'm not. Maybe my enormously swollen and engorged Coleridge is making me a little irritable!"
"You don't have to yell."
"How else are you gonna hear me over this?" (Dual hand point at the groin)
Seriously, it looked like this.
FILE THIS UNDER "CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR"
Dr. Williams is a dermatologist. Her first name is Catherine. She has a very nice nurse named Shelly. And another nurse named Deborah. They are all in their uniforms. I am in what is called a "drape." Meaning I'm wearing a tablecloth.
"You've broken out pretty heavily around your arms and legs," says Dr. Williams. "Shelly tells me you have broken out on your penis as well. May I see?"
I pulled the drape aside to reveal myself. There was a palpable gasp from either Deborah or Shelly -- I don't know which -- as I was too busy making sure that the good doctor wasn't immediately going to come at me with anything pointy or sharp or sharp and pointy. Instead she took my member in her gloved hand and began to examine it while the other nurses were staring.
"This may sound a bit odd, but..." Dr. Williams looked up at me from her examination stool. She had me in her hand and then just asked straight out -- "Would you mind if I took a picture of it?"
"Well, I don't know what to say."
"It's really the most swollen thing I've ever seen."
Shelly chimed in with, "It's as big around as a Coke can."
"Now you're just flattering me."
Laughter.
Dr. Williams let go.
"I assure you that the picture would only be for medical purposes and your anonymity would be preserved."
I declined.
Eventually the rash cleared up and my penis returned to its normal size. But I'll always have the memory of three women staring at my penis in awe, and asking to take a picture.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
22 votes
4.1
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Funny
5 votes
3.0
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BarneyBites 450  8
07/11/2009 09:54 PM
Wimp!!Everyone knows that pictures NEVER come back to haunt you!
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 5,962 9
07/11/2009 10:19 PM
Say wasn't this on NCIS last night? I call shenanaigans!
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0 votes
0.0
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J. Bradford 207 1
07/11/2009 10:30 PM
http://z11.invisionfree.com/Gang_Wars_Discussion/index.php?showtopic=2361&hl=
no. i originally wrote this in 2006. I actually think that predates NCIS.
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0 votes
0.0
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Anna Garcia 83 1
07/11/2009 10:31 PM
If "it" was as big as a coke can and I was your wife I would have took a picture and sent it to the examiner or one of thoes mags. Sh** you could have had a gold mine in your pants. That's sellable just like that wolfman guy with all the hair on his face, come to think about it you could have at your own roadside show....
Hear ye hear ye.. I introduce you to the huge, the giant, the most amazing spectacle in the world Mr. CokecanColeridge he can hit baseballs he can even hold a door open with it. Men he will scare you, ladies he will amaze you so step right up and see the largest man in the world!
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Funny
6 votes
3.8
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A Marinating Sash 1,336 5
07/11/2009 10:43 PM
I don't wanna brag, but when I had gonorrhea my member was compared to a milk bottle. Not in size, but in its constant drip of creamy white and yellow fluid. I got gonorrhea from having sex. With a woman! It was okay, but expensive.
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Hilarious
7 votes
4.1
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Dogs Akimbo 158,598 11
07/12/2009 02:04 AM
What you wanted to do was to find a doctor who could take away the itching but leave the swelling.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Major Inconvenience 77 5
07/12/2009 06:35 AM
If you can find a really really nasty woman... f*** her. Give her poison ivy in her vajay-jay
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0 votes
0.0
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peoriagrace 5,962 9
07/12/2009 12:26 PM
Well NCIS started in 2004, but this has probably happened to more than just you. Guys can't seem to not touch themselves; even when they have Shakespeare on their hands. That's why I make'em clean up before I do any touching.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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John Hargrave 116,572 19
07/12/2009 02:34 PM
I found that quite amusing.
We'll feature it from the ZUG homepage next week.
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Chuckleworthy
6 votes
2.8
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UnderWhere? 72,801 16
07/12/2009 05:25 PM
My poison ivy took 5 days to appear, and it's only limited to the places that actually touched the vine. Did you take your dick and rub it directly on the leaves?
We're pretty all-inclusive here. You don't have to hide your dendrophilia by pretending you were growing pot.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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The ARRH! in Diarrhea 979 4
07/13/2009 09:39 AM
Yeah, new spots can show up even a week after you get exposed. And if the urushiol is on your hands, and you put your hands somewhere else before you wash it all off, you spread it around for all to share.
Now I may be wrong, but the fishy part of this story is that you say you peed. If that were the case, you'd expect a few spots of the stuff to show up on your wedding tackle afterward. With enough swelling to rival a recyclable receptacle, you'd need to have spread the noxious substance all the way around circumferentially in a pretty even and thorough appliBLAM!
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.7
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J. Bradford 207 1
07/13/2009 07:49 PM
It's really very flattering: the amount of perceived time you've devoted to considering my c*ck and balls. Thanks.
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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xentar 428 5
07/15/2009 07:26 PM
What an odd title. This seems like the world's best case, not the other way around.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Professor Nutbutter 150,770 13
07/15/2009 07:42 PM
I have never in my life had poison ivy. I can only assume I am immune. One of these days I'm just going to go and rub some all over my body, just to tempt Mother Nature.
You were wise to decline. That picture would have wound up on-line, passed around to the nurse's friends, shown on Somethingawful.com, and eventually becoming a caption contest on Zug.
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0 votes
0.0
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Mr Crabs 276 3
07/15/2009 09:09 PM
Thank god you at least had the benefit of some tasty pot to ease your suffering...I'm thinkin'. What did ever happen on that front anywho?
Did the "pot" turn out to be poison oak?
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Shell Belle 31,250 9
07/15/2009 09:28 PM
I'm picturing a bunch of men roaming through their backyards, searching for some poison ivy and thinking, "As big around as a Coke can? It will be worth it!"
Good article!
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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TBUZZ 88 1
07/15/2009 09:58 PM
Yeah, just ask Paris Hilton, Michael Phelps, Pamela Anderson and ...
Anyway, this is not the kind of contest you want to win, but I think I've got you beat. My wife and I went drunk fishing one night and climbed out onto on old tree that leaned out over the river. We sat in a big patch of hat I believed to be leaves. We're leaving and my wife falls in and I laugh my ass off at her. Turns out she got last laugh because we were sitting in poison ivy, and the river washed it off of her. I woke up looking like a Hiroshima victim. It was awful; my arms, legs, ass and, as hard as I tried not to scratch, eventually my face and penis, although I didn't have the enlargement benefit you got. My wife called me Oozing Swamp Thing. I went to the doctor who called it the worst he had ever seen, textbooks included. For six days I just sat and itched, itched and sat. I tried to work on my computer and soon the sores on my hands were leaking pus onto the keyboard, sick! I'd rather sandpaper a bobcat's butt in a phone booth than deal with that again.
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0 votes
0.0
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Mr Crabs 276 3
07/15/2009 11:44 PM
But, did you catch any drunks?
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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J. Bradford 207 1
07/16/2009 08:56 AM
Eventually the rash cleared up and my penis returned to its normal size. But I'll always have the memory of three women staring at my penis in awe, and asking to take a picture
this little gem was added by the mod of this site. And not me. I end the piece with "I declined." all the while assuming you'd understand that the condition I found myself in during the story was temporary.
And truth be told the original title to this was "The Use of a Coke Can to Gauge Manhood" which personally I think is a lot better than the present title. Which I find gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.............
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Shell Belle 31,250 9
07/16/2009 05:57 PM
"The Use of a Coke Can to Gauge Manhood"
Actually, seeing that title made me roll my eyes and decide not to read it. The new title made me want to read it.
So what I'm saying is, someone on this site knows a lot more about women than you do. Which means that you must know very, very little.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Alarm Clock the Patient Robot 5,980 4
07/16/2009 11:58 PM
I liked the previous title. It made me wonder, "Does he mean wide mouth can or a regular one?" Either way, I thought I was going to get to read about someone shredding their junk to pieces gettin' it on with the mouth of a can. Shredding penii usually gets a man's attention, whether good or bad.
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