Wisconsin: America's Taint
A comedy article
by Lord Biffington  181  5
07/14/2009 05:14 AM 629 views
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Against my better judgment, and the insistence of my friend who I told this story to, I present to you, the audience, Wisconsin: America's taint. Now when I say against my better judgment, I meant making my first article at ZUG one of hate and based on a series of unfortunate trips there. I invite any Wisconsinites on here to go ahead and rip into my home state of Texas.
Ever since I was a child, I've despised Wisconsin, the people, and everything about it.
Your average Wisconsinite male ranges from 2-6 inches and 60-120 pounds heavier than your average man due to a diet of Milwaukee's finest and dairy products 3 meals a day
To start off with, we have the drive. Yes, the drive from the south side of Chicago to the middle of bumFrost nowhere Wisconsin. This is usually a 4-5 hour drive depending on traffic. Normally I love road trips but traveling north through the miasma of fumes from terrible Milwaukee beer, pungent cheeses, and the biological gases resulting from the daily consumption of both by the state's inhabitants quickly eats through the paint job of your car and makes you wish you had no sense of smell.
The next problem with this state is the social isolation that comes with having a place located in the dead center of God's blind spot. As I walked through one of the supermarkets here, I was astounded at what I saw. In what I can only assume was the electronics isle (stocked with bulky low-def CRT TVs) were shelves upon shelves of unopened Nintendo 64 games along with a few playstation one and two games. I figured this must be a bargain shelf or restocks, but, alas, they were not. Perfectly sealed copies of Pokemon Battle Stadium, Goldeneye, and Zelda: Ocarina of Time line the shelves. Each with price tags that reflected their value at the time they came out. I later found out from a friend that such games go easily for double or triple their original price nowadays. I knew I should have picked some up.
There were 5 of these on that shelf! #&%@!!!
As if seeing a gaming system that was well over a decade old on sale doesn't prove the social island effect Wisconsin suffers from, then surely this next example will.
During this journey to the land of cheddar-dicked smegma eaters, I was put in charge of finding out how to get an internet connection at this little cottage someone in our extended family bought. How we got stuck maintaining it, I'll never know.
I setup an account for the family with the only internet provider that covered the area. After setting up the hardware, I sat down and read the software installation only to find myself burying my face in my hands. The CD instruction manual, printed 2006 recommends the use of Windows 98 or 2000 for the setup. Needless to say, installing software that was made for an operating system released 4 builds ago. 5 if you count windows 7, onto a machine running vista made me a bit weary.
I have one thing to say about the women there.
THEIR WOMEN ARE UGLY AS SIN!
Seriously! There is no nice way of putting it. I've seen one hot girl in this state so far. Her name was Candi, she worked at the fireworks store off the highway. She gave me a discount on roman candles, if you catch my drift. Most importantly, she was neither born nor raised anywhere near wisconsin (shes from Tennessee if you're wondering). As far as I've gathered, nearly all women, teenagers included, seem to follow fashion tips from the same place middle aged women in the early 80's got theirs. To begin, many, if not all of them, sport terrible perm jobs reminiscent of the era when The Safety Dance was a top chart song.
Next, due to their diet being based off of tubs of margarine, various cheeses, other dairy products and milwaukee's finest fermented urine, their rears, as well as other parts of their body have taken on the consistency of cottage cheese. In addition to this, many seem to forgo the daily ritual of bathing and simulate the smell of said cottage cheese as a result. As if this wasn't bad enough, if you somehow provoke one of these woolly beasts of the north to speak, you'll find the nearest sharp pointy thing and pop your eardrums. The high pitched nasally Midwestern twang combined with a Canadian accent is the worlds leading cure for priapisms.
Truly, these women are an affront to all 5 senses. Testing is still needed on taste, but I have yet to find a volunteer with the fortitude to do so. Their only true purpose in life seems to be popping out kids and fermenting wheels of Gorgonzola in their uterus between pregnancies.
I understand the need for having a bit of padding for those 20 below winters, but this is ridiculous!
To simply put it, Wisconsin is on the bottom of the list of "Places I'll Willingly Travel To". Unless you enjoy a place thats perpetually stuck somewhere in the 80's, having 17 servings of dairy automatically put on anything you order at a restaurant, or the sheer boredom that comes with even brief stays here, steer clear. The boredom especially will drive you to lengths you didn't know were possible. How far you ask? Lets put it this way, the man next door to here has been keeping a girlfriend on the side in addition to his wife for the past 15 years. It must be pretty boring if the local inhabitants up there are so bored they resort to adultery.
Thank you all for your time. Remember, if you find yourself in Wisconsin, do yourself a favor. Buy a bullet, rent a gun.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
7 votes
4.0
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Make my Ravos grow! 63,472  21
07/14/2009 07:30 AM
To begin, many, if not all of them, sport terrible perm jobs reminiscent of the era when The Safety Dance was a top chart song.
Safety Dance has been, and always will be a chart topper.
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0 votes
0.0
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UnderWhere? 101,398 77
07/14/2009 09:37 AM
3-orbed for "fermenting wheels of Gorgonzola in their uterus."
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Chix is in da house 286,617 61
07/14/2009 10:31 AM
I spent the worst month of my life there one week.
A curse upon you Wisconson and your damn squeeky cheese.
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Funny
9 votes
3.7
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
07/14/2009 11:04 AM
I always thought Louisiana was America's taint. Not because Trixxie lives there; because Florida is obviously the penis and Texas is surely the Emerson.
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Hilarious
7 votes
4.2
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Lord Biffington 181 5
07/14/2009 12:25 PM
I always thought Louisiana was America's taint. Not because Trixxie lives there; because Florida is obviously the penis and Texas is surely the Emerson.
So by that logic, California would be the butt cheeks of the U.S. and it appears that Mexico is something being squeezed into the toilet? Then again, its been awhile since I've taken Anatomy of a Continent 101, so I could be way off.
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0 votes
0.0
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
07/14/2009 02:54 PM
I like you, Biff. You call follow my twitter feed.
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0 votes
0.0
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A Marinating Sash 1,353 7
07/14/2009 06:22 PM
Any article that bashes people based solely on where they're from is just peachy with me.
Nice work.
However, although I'm not from Wisconsin I will still say that Texas blows. Go longhorns!
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.0
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Thud 68,506 19
07/14/2009 06:34 PM
Wisconsin: Ameria's Taint
Did the author mean America or Armenia? Text you votes to your favorite radio station, where they will either be ignored or mistaken for an entry to win tickets to the Warrant reunion tour show next month.
Either way, you'd be out of luck.
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0 votes
0.0
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Unknown Duck 530 6
07/14/2009 06:53 PM
I like Wisconsin cheese.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Alarm Clock the Patient Robot 6,348 4
07/14/2009 07:04 PM
AH hahahahahaha! Nice one Thud.
I get it now. Your name is onomatopoeia for your delivery of jokes. I know that's not funny, I seriously did just now get it.
Maybe that's why you can't c it.
Also, you forgot to point out that "Wisconsin" in the middle that wasn't capitalized. I just don't feel right giving you orbs for not scavenging up such a blatantly hilarious point that would have fit in so well with yours. That would have put me on the floor rolling. I mean, there were a few other minor forgivable tpyos, but how could you miss that?
Good story about nothing in particular, Lord B., (pay attention Thud) but excellent freakin' delivery.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Thud 68,506 19
07/14/2009 07:15 PM
Alarm Clock, why are you still Skippy-ing up the joint?
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Alarm Clock the Patient Robot 6,348 4
07/14/2009 07:57 PM
Don't give someone a specific pair of pants when you don't want them to dry hump your face with them.
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0 votes
0.0
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Thud 68,506 19
07/14/2009 09:38 PM
Lord B, I wasn't trying to be critical of your post. I just took the opportunity presented by a typo to head off in a different direction.
If I was being needlessly critical it would have sounded a lot more like one of Alarm Clock's posts.
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0 votes
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Lord Biffington 181 5
07/14/2009 10:07 PM
I know Thud :). My fault, i should have added the word constructive in addition to criticism. I'll be sure to double check my submissions in the future. Sorry if I came off like a dick when I was typing that.
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0 votes
0.0
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Alarm Clock the Patient Robot 6,348 4 *squeels and happy trembles*
07/14/2009 10:31 PM
Needlessly... Okay, in the spirit of it all, I concede. I <3 grammar correction and dj style chatter. Excellent catch noticing America mispspelled in big bold letters in the title.
GROUP HUG!!!!
I may come off a certain way, but my I made an awful premature stain when we were mentioned in the same sentence, Thud. We're sentence buddies!
Seriously though, I mean it Lord B. You got clicks from me. Also, that's a great follow up and those are some wicked, bitching drawings. You'd do great to keep it up with including them.
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0 votes
0.0
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Lord Biffington 181 5
07/14/2009 10:42 PM
Thanks Alarm Clock,much appreciated.
Some of the guys in my dorm and I have been lurking around ZUG for a few months. I swear, one of them has almost all of John's articles memorized verbatim. I figured it was finally time to join in and share some of my stories.
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0 votes
0.0
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John Hargrave 128,751 73
07/15/2009 09:18 AM
Really funny, I laughed no less than five times throughout the article, starting with "Dead center of God's blind spot" and ending with the final cheese reference.
The only thing that keeps this from being a homepage article is we're ideally looking for real-life stories or experiments -- rather than comedy essays (as funny as this one is).
I also agree about the drawings, I'd love to see more articles just with the Microsoft Paint drawings!
I fixed the typo also. Keep the funny coming!
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0 votes
0.0
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Lord Biffington 181 5
07/16/2009 03:49 AM
Thanks for fixing the typo John. I'll see what I can do in the future about more of those MS paint illustrations :)
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0 votes
0.0
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Make my Ravos grow! 63,472 21
07/16/2009 10:19 AM
I like Wisconsin cheese turtles.
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