A Pornstar, the Eye of God, Benoit Balls and Some Poor Bastard at the Pump
A comedy article
by J. Bradford  207  3
07/15/2009 07:48 AM 1992 views
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Nina? No Nena...Nina Cherry was that little known singer sister of that little known Eagle Eye guy. Nena Cherry was a little known pornstar in the winter of '96. I was living....hand out....with a guy named Bird in Alief TX. It was through Bird that I had met Fred and subsequently Fred's roommate, at the time, Craig. Craig smuggled olives. Craig was the only man outside of Europe or South America that I knew that had made the Speedo his swimsuit of choice. Fred had a pool and the smuggling of olives was a problem in Fredlandia. Craig moved out one day and got himself a townhome where olives were legal.
It was New Years of '96. '96 turning into '97. Craig was throwing a New Year's Party. I was celibate and was not looking forward to a New Years Eve where there would be no kiss at midnight save the possible charity of being "closest to" when the hour struck. But having nothing else to do and no other prospects I went to Craig's.
She looked like a porn star...the disproportionate boobs, the tiny shorts of hot pink, Coleridge sucker lipstick.......for some reason she took a shine to me.
I don't dance. Ask anyone who knows me.
Nina Cherry circa 2006 (found via Internet search)
So there I was grinding into Ms. Cherry in front of all. Was there music? I had lost myself in the idea of sex, in the idea of pornstar sex, in the idea of warmth, in the idea of the body as pleasure. Actually f*cking, f*cking is the idea I had been lost to. I'm giving it my Chippendales best girls! and she seems to be enjoying it. Her hands up my thighs as I bent inwards. Her hands on my stomach as I moved down. Her hands...ripped open my shirt - buttons flying. Now here I should mention that I had taken a picture of my eye and placed it on a shirt - my undershirt this night. It was only the pupil and it was on my chest and it was now staring like the very eye of God down onto Ms. Cherry. Her face dumbed...eyes wide and the music, if there ever was any, stopped. Grind over. Wah Wah Wah Waaaahhhhhh (cartoon loser theme)
The eye sees all.
Kiddy pools are mobile. You can place them in the backs of pick ups if you are so inclined. There was a kiddy pool in the back of a pick up truck in the FRONT (this is important) of Craig's house.
"Jon-Boy get the hose."
Jon-Boy got the hose.
I never knew what benoit balls were. When she brought them out....wait...wait a goddman minute... Those balls were thrown to her from someone coming out of the house....Jesus Christ! Craig owned benoit balls!!!Anyway, the things were brought out and when first I laid eyes on them I thought it was a clacking toy from my youth - the toy that has the balls on the string and you hold a little tab in the center and move your hand up and down to make the ballShakespeare above and below your hand you know.......they were hot pink.
"Jesus that's disgusting."
"Oh she's real classy."
"Scott you get inside here now...Craig I can't believe you would........"
Benoit Balls/Ben-Wah Balls/Geisha Balls/Love Beads/Whatever
I was instructed to put the nozzle on the hose. The pool was full now. Nena was splashing - naked...smashing naked, thrashing naked. I adjusted the water pressure to ensure safety because that's the kind of guy I am. She started to insert the benoit balls into her ass. I know because I was squirting it with water. All five inside she cooed softly and looked directly at me with over shoulder coyness and eyes devious, mischievous and sexdrawn.
I thought briefly through my thinning blood that the string, the benoit string hanging out of that ass looked like the pull strings on the back of my sisters dolls when we were children. I wondered what prerecorded saying might come out of Ms. Cherry if I gave it a good pull.
How hard could a hard man get if a hard man could get hard?
She maintained eye contact with me the entire time she pulled the balls one by one out of her. The coyness of a girl came from her lips but did nothing to disguise her nature as Aphrodite as Succubus...... "Oooooooo"....pop........."oh Daddy it's tight in there."......pop........."mmmmmmmmmm"...........pop.................."get me a little wetter for this one baby.".................Pop..........."(giggles) last one"............Pop.
Wet, young, taut, naked she stood in the bed of the pick up, in the kiddy pool. I offered her my hand for the step down from the tailgate. She accepted and returning to earth was met with the gropes of 20 anonymous hands. I tried to pull her away thinking the eye contact, the benoits, the night air, the hose, my expectations, her extremely loose sexual philosophy, my hard-on and everything that night that had conspired to send us to this moment would give me a way to finally get some off a pornstar.....a real coup when talking to single men. But she wouldn't leave with me. She wouldn't kiss me. She wouldn't suck me off in the bathroom before midnight. Nothing. What's the good of having loose morals and advertising the fact if you're not going to do anything? And so disgruntled, dejected, rejected I left the Craig party for the confines of my bed and a quick beat off to put me down to sleep.
Only....
I got to thinking while driving home...not even drunk......thinking about the length of time since last I had had someone....remembering the night still and quiet hushing through the window while lips excite and tongues trick......reminiscing in scents. These notions all the past..as in done- gone - finished - and in that moment - facing the horrible ragbones of age alone I made known to myself the depth of loneliness. It wasn't just the dark, the road passing in gray continuity it was the projection of my situation throughout my time. I foretold my own decay in those moments seeing myself as 30, 35, 40, 45, 50, 55, 60, 65, 70 ,75......and drifting solitary like a continent.
CHEVRON
I pulled in to get some gas and I was going to get a 6 pack as well. At the time I was completely into and only into music that was recorded before 1935. So I have Blind Lemon Jefferson on my tape player...that's right tape player......it was turned up pretty loud too. Too loud for the guy at the pump next to me as I was gassing up.
"What the Frost is that Shakespeare?"
Is he drunk? "It's Blind Lemon Jefferson."
"Turn that Shakespeare down...(a mimic of the song) Cause I ain't got nothing..blah blah....you really listen to that Shakespeare? How old are you?"
"Yeah I listen to it and I'm 26."
"And stupid...you gonna turn that Shakespeare down or what?"
"No."
"Turn it dow....." he didn't finish his word.
I had stepped through the pumps and pushed him full force into his car. I continued through the space to get totally on his side and now was with him standing beside his car...that he had just bounced off of.
"Frost you assho...."
This time he went into the pump and when he tried to take a step back to get his balance his foot was held by the pavement and he fell to the ground. I had him. I could totally beat him down.
"THE COPS HAVE BEEN CALLED. THE COPS HAVE BEEN CALLED I AM GETTING THE LICENSE PLATE OF THESE VEHICLES!!!!" (Apu style......you ever see me ask me to tell you this story with imitations). The East Indian owner/manager of the Cheveron ran into the fray waving a cordless phone.
I got in my car and went into the night, back to my raw bed, alone and stupid.
"I had a dream last night all about my gal
I had a dream last night all about my gal
You can tell that sweet papa ain't feelin' so well
I'm goin' away mama, just to wear you off my mind
I'm goin' away sweet mama, just to wear you off my mind
So if I live here in Chicago, money's gonna be my crime
This house is lonesome, my baby left me all alone
I said this house is lonesome, my sugar left me all alone
If your heart ain't rock, sugar's must be marble stone
Play that thing...
Sure is good...
Play it like you live... I got the blues so bad, it hurts my feet to walk
I got the blues so bad, it hurts my feet to walk
This house is on my brain, it hurts my tongue to talk
Lonesome house blues..." (Blind Lemon Jefferson - "Lonesome House Blues")
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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John Hargrave 128,751  73
07/15/2009 09:12 AM
Really gross, but a great story. Why do I not have any stories like this?
It's too bad you didn't keep the Benoit Balls so you could whack the guy at the gas pump over the head with them, like a really dirty ninja.
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0 votes
0.0
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
07/15/2009 10:55 AM
I like your style, sir. For the first half of the article I was wondering if one of us might be on acid. Big points for listening to Blind Lemon Jefferson, too.
And not to be critical, but those were anal beads, not ben wah balls. Not that I have any personal experience with either.
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0 votes
0.0
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UnderWhere? 101,398 77
07/15/2009 11:01 AM
Guys are gross. So are anal beads. I might take it in the butt from time to time, but no way am I sticking something with a string in my ass.
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0 votes
0.0
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Alarm Clock the Patient Robot 6,348 4
07/15/2009 11:23 AM
If there's no string it's going to be much more gross to get whatever out. I can only think of a few methods that would work. You're gross.
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0 votes
0.0
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J. Bradford 207 3
07/15/2009 11:32 AM
huh?
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Alarm Clock the Patient Robot 6,348 4
07/15/2009 12:05 PM
Whereas Nena prefered to be a doll with a pull string on the back, as you so colorfully described, I'm guessing Undies would rather be one of those Nerf cannons that shoots those little yellow balls.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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J. Bradford 207 3
07/15/2009 12:39 PM
It like you're speaking English but not quite.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Whistler P. McManus 186,130 44
07/15/2009 03:24 PM
It like you're speaking English
Pot, kettle.
We like your story, sir, but we are the kind of people who know the difference between ben wah balls and anal beads. That's all we're saying.
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0 votes
0.0
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J. Bradford 207 3
07/15/2009 03:38 PM
the 'it' was the joke my good sir.
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0 votes
0.0
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Autra - Generic Unfunny Live Member 10,560 11
07/15/2009 03:42 PM
the 'it' was the joke my good sir.
Now, I know I'm here for my looks and not my intelligence, but uhh....
What?!?
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Chix is in da house 286,617 61
07/15/2009 05:00 PM
I think I hung out with you once. Or at least you thought we were hanging out. You were sitting on the bus bench talking like that and I was kind of walking by and ignoring you. Yeah, good times.
Pretty cool story though, despite all the rambling.
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0 votes
0.0
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Thud 68,506 19
07/15/2009 05:34 PM
Sage?
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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J. Bradford 207 3
07/15/2009 06:15 PM
I think I hung out with you once. Or at least you thought we were hanging out. You were sitting on the bus bench talking like that and I was kind of walking by and ignoring you. Yeah, good times.
Pretty cool story though, despite all the rambling.
Were you pushing an Albertson's shopping cart you'd gussied up with a Bedazzler you'd found laying beside a feeder road?
If so, then no that wasn't me.
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